USA Lose, Mexico Lose, Armenia Win, Agbonlahor Makes One Direction Clown Puke, Kyle Walker Does Nitrous

Ok, let's start with the main story, at least in our view. SSN Employees were forced to stay up far too late Friday night to watch a poor performance by the U.S. National Team. After Michael Bradley turned his ankle (badly) whilst warming up, the Americans lost their cool and never recovered, eventually losing 3-1. With Bradley's injury and suspensions to key players, the depth of the squad will be tested. Grant Wahl takes a look and it looks like Jurgen has already called in four dudes to help out.

Meanwhile, at Estadio Azteca, the U.S.'s main rivals Mexico lost to Honduras. Uh oh. You know what that meant for El Tri coach Jose Manuel "Chepo" De la Torre early Saturday morning, about three hours after the embarrassing home loss. Yes, this.

Yeah, we think that's twisted. Beer to Kevin Finn for the photo.

Andrea Canales takes a closer look at the Mexican struggle.

Over in Europe, England beat Moldova (yawn), Armenia beat the Czechs (WTF?!), France drew with Georgia (?), Spain cruised, and The Dutch drew in Estonia. Here's a full review.

In South America, Argentina and Colombia are closing in on tickets to Brazil. And Tim Vickery says that even as Luis Suarez is diving again, Uruguay are rising to the challenge.

Blessing the rains down in Africa are Cameroon, Ivory Coast and Ethiopia after each of those nations advanced in African qualifiers and will grace the playoffs.

Ten Talking Points? Boom.

Here is a complete rundown on The Race to Brazil that includes every region.

This is priceless. Louis Tomlinson is a member of the Band of Shit One Direction. He played in a charity match for Stiliyan Petrov. He got tackled nicely by Gabriel Agbonlahor. Then he puked. Then Agbonlahor got death threats. Good Grief.

Oh, yeah...that's the stuff...

Sticking with priceless, we give you this: Walker apologizes after England defender is pictured inhaling 'hippy crack' from balloon in Sheffield nightclub. Since when did they start calling nitrous "hippie crack?" And...of course...that leads into England's Hall of Shame. Did someone say, "Gazza?!"

Major League Soccer: Chicago gifts Seattle a win, while the Galaxy falls at home. Read all about it.

That's your Monday.

-SSN

Qatar Foci, Costa Rica vs. USA, Other Qualifiers, Pompey Rises (that photo), Friday Forecast

Friday! Let's do this.

Tonight's the Night for the U.S. Men. They're down in The Rica in rather unwelcoming environs to take on The Ticos, who are still pissed about the SnowClasico. Shit goes both ways, bitches. Here are some keys to victory for The Yanks. And here's your full preview. Grant Wahl is looking at Icelandic-American forward Aron Jóhannsson. Jeff Carlisle filed a report as well. Check the match at 10pm EDT on BeIN Sport.

It's not just the Costa Ricans and the Americans in action today. Over in CAF, there are seven spots in Brazil up for grabs. Jonathan Wilson blesses the rains down in Africa here. In UEFA, matches of note include Serbia/Croatia, Scotland/Belgium, Ireland/Sweden, and Italy/Bulgaria. And Liechtenstein/Greece. (cough). Down in CONMEBOL we're looking at Chile/Venezuela and Colombia/Ecuador. Tim Vickery is down there and takes a gander. Back in CONCACAF, Mexico will be mighty nervous at home against Honduras.

Here are 10 Things to Look Out For

We'll use any excuse to bring this old favorite back...

David Conn is one of The Guardian's top scribes. He's got a piece today on Portsmouth and how they managed to stay alive and are now owned by supporters: Pompey became the only club to collapse into administration while still in the Premier League when, in 2009, the Russian-Israeli owner, Sacha Gaydamak, pulled the funding which had won Harry Redknapp's star-stocked team the 2008 FA Cup on a wave of borrowed money.

It IS Friday, after all, and that means we've got an MLS Forecast. Yes, although pretty much every other domestic league takes a break for the Internationals, ours does not. Quite pleasant in the Northeast, though...

Sorry, we digress.

To more serious matters. France Football's Philippe Auclair has a three-part special report into Qatar's controversial hosting of the 2022 World Cup. In part one, he looks at how FIFA found itself in such a mess, and how Sepp Blatter has potentially opened up a huge rupture in the global game. In part two, he looks at the huge logistical and structural problems that moving the World Cup will pose, and questions why no serious attempts have been made to explore these issues by those who control the game. In the final part, he focuses on concerns over the conditions imposed on the migrant workers who will help build the stadia and infrastructure required for the FIFA tournament.

Menawhile, in France, Olympique Marseille's director's son was shot dead in a suspected gangland killing. Yikes.

Have a great weekend.

-SSN

Gedion Zelalem, Messi Fraud, World Cup 2014, Nani For Five, Bristol Invasion

Hello! It's all a bit quiet today, which is a relief. We've been able to do some cleaning at SSN Headquarters. We've filed stacks of papers, watered the plants, cleaned the coffee pot, and hosed down the bathroom.

Let us begin with a special Podcast from Jimbo and Co. Here's what's on deck: Well, it's the start of the international break, and AC Jimbo has Barry Glendenning, Jacob Steinberg and James Horncastle in the pod to jazz up as best they can a week of World Cup qualifiers, including a patched-up England's tie with Moldova (the nation with the third-fastest internet speed in the world, it says here). Plus, we discuss Greg Dyke's bold claim that England should win the World Cup at some point in the future, and Sid Lowe gives his take on those three amigos who were reportedly involved in that failed bid for Ander Hererra. And, er, that's about it.

Ethiopia/Germany/United States

You guys know this dude Gedion Zelalem? He's the German-born son of Ethiopian immigrants who moved to the United States when he was nine. He's currently 16 and was on the bench for Arsenal during the North London Derby. It would be nice if he chose to play for the United States, but that seems unlikely. Too bad.

Sticking with the USA, the Yank Men resume qualifying tomorrow night (10 p.m. EDT on BeIN Sport) San Jose, Costa Rica. Grant Wahl is there. The Mexico clash is next Tuesday at 8pm EDT. Apparently, Landon Donovan wants to "Smell the Blood."

Meanwhile, Messi and his padre just paid five million euros in a tax fraud case. Hmmm.

For some reason we know a lot of Manchester United fans who do not like Nani. No like Nani. They will not like this, then.

No, no. The blood, not the glove.

Mesut Ozil is still garnering headlines and articles. For example. 

So, Bristol City and Bristol Rovers played for the first time in six years last night. Everything was going swimmingly until the final whistle. The horses arrive at 3:10.

That'll have to do. Cheerio.

-SSN

Transfer Fallout, USA Women Dominate, England to Win in 2022, Sam Kelly in Argentina, Rooney Horror Scar

Wow. Our long summer of transfer nauseation is over. We can finally go back to our families and resume normal service. Before we do that, however, there is the fallout to discuss. Manchester United wanted Ander Herrera from Bilbao. They didn't get him. Sid Lowe tells us what made the deal collapse. And Phil McNulty is simply mystified at United's actions.

Meanwhile, even though they've got Gareth, they're none too pleased down in Madrid. Ronaldo is angry! Arbeloa thought it was a joke! Sergio Ramos and Sami Khedira are sad. Joachim Low has described Real Madrid's decision to sell Mesut Ozil to Arsenal as "incomprehensible." Yes, there's a brewing storm over Ozil!

Meanwhile, up in The District of Columbia last night, the United States Women opened a big 'ol can of whup ass on Mexico to the tune of 7 - 0. Seven to zero. Sydney Leroux grabbed four goals on the night. This team is good, folks. Really good. The depth of talent is incredible. That's 73 matches unbeaten on home soil, by the way.

Erika Tymrak lets fly for the Yanks.

Sticking on home soil, Eddie Johnson is jealous of his buddy Clint. Johnson makes a teeny tiny fraction of what Deuce is clearing these days. And he's pissed.

Power Rankings. Power Rankings?! Power Rankings.

Dear, Lord. Pay me. Your friend, Eddie Johnson.

Hah! Hah! Hah!

Sorry, lost it there for a second. Raphael Honigstein is back in Germany. He says this: Henrikh Mkhitaryan shows value of keeping your transfer window clean. The Armenian is excelling at Dortmund who, like most Bundesliga clubs, did their business early and then watched the mayhem in England with open-mouthed bemusement.

Meanwhile, in the Southern Hemisphere, it's been an unpredictable start to the Argentine season, and nowhere more so than in the Greater Buenos Aires suburb of Avellaneda, where two giants of the local game are undergoing major changes. Sam Kelly reports.

But, enough of The Now. Let's return to the 80s for just a minute, yeah? Specifically, let's remember the ups and downs of Arsenal's 1980s deadline day deals.

And today we'll finish with our old buddy Wayne Rooney. He's got a "horror scar." Enjoy.

-SSN

TSB's Deadline Day Winners and Losers

Monday was transfer deadline day. The day Sky TV's innate love of all things gaudy runs riot. Even flashier graphics, more screaming reporters and Jim White at his giddiest. All to tell us that Hull have taken a player on loan. Like watching Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke [nominative determinism, anyone?] at an awards show, but for the whole day.

Over the past few years EPL clubs have bought players the way my wife buys clothes: buying the same thing over and over again, with the emphasis on quantity rather than quality. She stockpiles mid-priced 'small tops' in the way Chelsea stockpiles attacking midfielders. But thankfully this window has seen a slight shift towards more intelligent spending. So, who did well and who didn't?

Man City seem to have learnt from the past. Last year Mancini begged for Javi Martinez but got the much cheaper and much craper Javi Garcia [maybe they thought the name would fool everyone]. This year however they've brought in some real quality with Navas and Fernandinho. That said, they still shied away from getting the absolute best. Negredo and Jovetic are good, but I'd have spent the cash on Falcao.

Liverpool have gone under the radar, but done ok. Suarez was kept, a good new keeper was brought in and Moses offers something different to their collection of midfield munchkins. However, there were some missed targets. And £18m for a defender, good though Sakho might turn out to be, in the last year of his contract, doesn't seem very moneyball.

Only time will tell if Spurs have done well. But surely the odd fan must be thinking, great, we got a fortune for Bale, but that meant Real ended up selling Özil to Arsenal. On the one hand AVB and Baldini seem to have been running around like lottery-winning Scousers, on the other, they have done some good business, especially only paying £17m for Paulinho. But where's the class? Lamela needs to live up to expectations.

Abramovich could have replaced Benitez with a chimp at Chelsea and still had a good season. All he had to do was buy either Falcao or Cavani and change nothing. Instead they've spent millions on attacking mids. They're all pretty good but are they needed? No doubt Mou will mould them into an effective team good enough to bore their way to the title. And in fairness they did bring in one world class striker in Eto'o. Unfortunately he doesn't come with a time machine.

Amateurish seems to be the word most used to describe ManU's dealings. That'll happen when imposter lawyers are involved and you pay £27.5m for a player available at £23m. Ed Woodward, their new chief exec, is hardly the new Equalizer. In a way this has only served to hide the real problem: that debts keep on crippling the club. They claim to be the world's biggest but they couldn't afford Ozil, who, according to Graham Hunter wanted to go to Manchester and would have been a perfect match.

Somehow the German is just what Arsenal needed and the one thing they didn't. The club have made a statement and they've done so with a fantastic player, perfect for their style of play. But attacking midfield is the only area that didn't really need strengthening. As at the end of last season, they're still short a top quality striker and a defender. At least a lot of dead wood has been removed [except Bendtner].

Other teams: Everton have done well, keeping Baines while bringing in Lukaku, McCarthy and Deulofeu. And they got someone to pay £6m for Anichebe. Norwich only paid £2.5m for Nathan Redmond, which is a steal. Likewise, Sessegnong seems good value at £6m for WBA [though they were the ones paying Everton for Anichebe]. Villa's dealings are irrelevant as they managed to keep Benteke. Joe Kinnear claimed he 'has the ear of every manager in the world" but they obviously decided not to listen to him. While Mark Hughes, realising that his own playing style is pretty drab and therefore fulfilling his promise to brighten things at Stoke would be difficult, has brought in the mad Marko Arnautovic.

Mega Insanity Super Post

Wow! How do we get our head around all the madness? And that's just the madness off the pitch. We're going to have to begin, of course, with the TRANSFER WINDOW! Let's all slowly inhale, arms up, hold...and slowly exhale. Good. That's better. The window is shut and we can all move on.

Thumbs up for Gareth!

You know what? There's a podcast today. Let's begin there and see what the guys think of everything. Jimbo and Co. are into all of this: On today's controversial Tuesday edition of Football Weekly, James Richardson is joined by Gregg Bakowski, Paul MacInnes and Jacob Steinberg to look back on all the last minute madness as the transfer window slammed shut. We discuss the winners and losers - and breathe a big sigh of relief that it's all over (yes, we're looking at you, Gareth Bale). Plus, we look back on some actual football, including Arsenal's pre-Ozil north London derby win, Liverpool's victory over the distinctly un-champion champions, and loads and loads of goals in Serie A. Rafa Honigstein joins us to analyse Chelsea's Super Cup defeat to Bayern Munich, and Sid Lowe is so hot on the scent of the imposters involved in the failed attempts to take Ander Herrera from Bilbao to Manchester United that, er, we don't speak to him.

So, the hacks consider Arsenal's capture of Ozil to be the biggest move of the day (considering Bale's move wasn't really "of the day." The always astute Amy Lawrence has a level-headed look at the new addition to North London.

Elsewhere, Manchester United finally got Fellaini, Everton brought in Gareth Barry and Lukaku, and Liverpool landed centre-backs Mamadou Sakho and Tiago Ilori. Here's a closer look. And here are 10 things we're betting you didn't know about the BPL new boys. For instance, Craig Noone, the winger Cardiff bought from Brighton, has made it to the Premier League barely five years after tiling Steven Gerrard's roof as he combined the day job with part-time football at Southport. Gerrard's wife, Alex Curran, would provide him with a soft drink and a sausage roll to help fuel his labours. Yummmmm...sausage roll...

The Dirty Tackle has chosen to focus on United's summer transfer window bumblings.

Meanwhile, Sky gives us their Top Ten Summer Deals.

Back on the continent, after dropping £56 million for Kaka four year ago, Real Madrid let him go back to Milan. For free. And you wonder why we're banging heads on walls at SSN Headquarters.

OK, enough transfer crapola. We're done with it for now, thank God. There were actual matches over the weekend. Played on fields of green. We'll break it down quickly:

Spain: Phil Ball is there, and he's talking Atletico Madrid's attempts to break the Barca/Real monopoly. Duopoly? Sid Lowe is also over there. He's talking about the steak fighting back, whatever that means. Whatever it does mean, there was some incredible football played in La Liga, we're told.

Italy: Paolo Bandini is there and he's talking about Jersey boy Giuseppe Rossi's resurgence.

Germany: Raphael Honigstein was not there so we'll have to settle for this review.

Right! On to the big matches in England over the weekend. Liverpool beat Manchester United. David Moyes still cannot seem to get one over on his former neighbors. Richard Jolly was at Anfield.

Meanwhile, in the North London Derby, Arsenal prevailed thanks to an Olivier Giroud goal. David Hytner was at the Emirates. And here are some player ratings.

Let's hit the numbers from the weekend in the Premier League, shall we? Five Thoughts. Ten Talking Points. Good. Here's your bloody Team of the Week. And a wee review.

Meanwhile, 23 fans were arrested following the Port Vale/Wolves derby. Nice.

OK, that's about all we can handle today. Sit down, take a load off, relax...

-SSN

Just because.

Champions League Draw, Podcast, Super Cup, Weekend Clashes, Friday MLS Forecast

Right! Happy Friday. Let's get right into it.
Here are the groups:

2013 - 2014 UEFA Champions League draw

Group A
Manchester United	Shakhtar Donetsk
Bayer Leverkusen	Real Sociedad
Group B
Real Madrid	Juventus
Galatasaray	FC Copenhagen
Group C
Benfica	Paris Saint-Germain
Olympiacos	Anderlecht
Group D
Bayern Munich	CSKA Moscow
Manchester City	Viktoria Plzen
Group E
Chelsea	Schalke
Basel	Steaua Bucharest
Group F
Arsenal	Marseille
Borussia Dortmund	Napoli
Group G
Porto	Atletico Madrid
Zenit St. Petersburg	Austria Vienna
Group H
Barcelona	AC Milan
Ajax	Celtic

Let's break it down, shall we? And we'll go ahead and christen Group G "The Group of Yawn."

Kaka. Remember him? 2007 World Player of the Year? Well, although he belongs to Jesus, he says he'd like to leave Real Madrid. They bought him four years ago for £56 million. Check these stats from his time with Real. Yikes.

Appearances: 120

Cost per game: £466,666

Goals: 29

Cost per goal: £1,931,034

Games to goals ratio: 4.14

Honours: La Liga (2011-12), Copa del Rey (2010-11), Spanish Supercup (2012)

Jimbo returned with a Podcast yesterday and it's quite enjoyable. He and the lads (Sid Lowe, Barry Glendenning, Raphael Honigstein) are talking Celtic, Arsenal/Tottenham, Liverpool/Manchester United, and more.

What else? Oh, yes. Samuel Eto'o'o'o'o'o'o will ply his trade this season at Stamford Bridge. Let's see...Makhachkala, Dagestan or London, England? We'll take London, thank you very much. Sticking with transfers that have actually happened, perhaps a segue to The Joy of Six is in order? Today it's Record Transfers.

Why the sad face? Oh, because you cost Betis a world-record £21.5million and you sucked? OK.

There is a match of note today. It's called the Euro Super Cup and it pits the winner of the Europa League (Chelsea) against the winner of the Champions League (Bayern Munich). It's really only interesting because of Jose and Pep, the new gaffers. Former allies now enemies. Of something like that. Anyway, here's a preview.

Shit. The Mill. Plus One. The Latest. Phew.

On to the weekend! Super Sunday will have all of us feeling like this because of the fixtures on the calendar. First up is Liverpool vs. Manchester United. After that is the North London Derby between Arsenal and Tottenham. Here's all the crap you'll need to know about everything tomorrow and Sunday:

Weekend Watch

Ten Things

Merson's Predictions

Lawro's Predictions

North London Derby: Tactical Battle

The Forecast is back! Sweet! Looks a bit hot, though.

In Italy this weekend, Lazio's trip to Juventus appears to be the most interesting match. Genoa vs. Fiorentina could also entertain. Here's a preview.

In Spain this weekend, Barcelona's trip to Valencia appears to be the most interesting match. Real Sociedad vs. Atletico Madrid could also entertain. Here's a preview.

OK, that'll have to do. Have a great holiday weekend. Try not to Labor too hard...

-SSN

Wahl & Drogba, Celtic Drama, Champions League Draw, Arsenal Sign Player, Paolo Bandini on Spurs' Lamela

Ahoy!! Celtic pulled off one hell of a comeback last night at Celtic Park to secure a spot in the Champions League proper. Neil Lennon's lads needed an extra time strike to do it, but their three goals and clean sheet ensured passage to the Group Stage. Milan and Real Sociedad also advanced. The big draw is later this afternoon. Here's a complete breakdown of how it could go down when it goes down.

Meanwhile, in London, Tottenham have moved to replace Gareth Bale with Erik Lamela. Not content to be The Next Totti, Lamela will now be The Next Bale. Paolo Bandini takes a look at Spurs' new €30 Million Man.

And, not to be outdone by their neighbors, Arsenal have finally splashed the cash, and are certain to make their supporters overjoyed with a new mega super-exciting signing of their own. Errrr...oh. Free? Oh.

Grant Wahl interviewed Didier Drogba. Instead of saying, "No fucking way in hell would I play in that crap American league MLS," Drogba said he's open to the possibility. Wow.

Tim Vickery is talking Brazil. And how they play. And history. And things of that nature.

The What's In Your Wallet? Cup draw was drawn yesterday and it provided a lovely fixture in the form of Manchester United vs. Liverpool. Evra vs. Suarez. You can feel the tension in the room.

Here's a good one. Messi is actually a dick. Seriously. Read.

Let's finish with Sid Lowe. How will Bale handle the Real Madrid dressing room? Will he shower with a towel? Go Full Monty? Drop the soap? It's all about building relationships, says Sid.

Catch you later,

-SSN

Champions League, Kasey Keller, What's In Your Wallet?

So, the Champions League qualifying stage is almost complete. One more round of matches today and then the draw for the group stage is tomorrow. Arsenal had little trouble with Fenerbahce as Aaron Ramsey scored twice in the 2 - 0 win. A torn hamstring for Podolski and some knocks to Ramsey and Jack Wilshire took the shine off the victory, however. Meanwhile, Fenerbahce have been banned from Europe for two years for match fixing and it has nothing to do with how bad Dirk Kuyt and Raul Meireles suck. Back to that draw, though. How exactly does it work?

Sexo es vida...

Grant Wahl was in Seattle last weekend to check out the newest craze sweeping The Emerald City. Clint Dempsey Mania!

The League Cup is back in England. Liverpool needed extra time to defeat Knots Landing. Andy Hunter was at Anfield. There was controversy in Birmingham after Yeovil scored in bizarre circumstances. Here's a brief review of all the action.

The Mill. Plus One.

Kasey Keller used to live in a castle. With a moat. He was the first American to play in La Liga. He used to have hair. He talks here.

Sticking with Yanks, Landon Donovan signed a Big Deal with L.A. No surprise there.

Sale. Rail. Bale!

Over and out.

-SSN

Paolo, Rafael, Phil, Sid, Tim Times Two, Scrappy Old Trafford

Let's begin with Brazil 2014. Those of us at SSN Headquarters will not be attending. You'd have to be mad to deal with that mayhem and give money to the FIFA World Governing Body. Tim Vickery outlines just how expensive a trip to Brazil would be. Tim also bounces south to examine El Superclasico between Boca and River in BA. Well played, luv.

Hey! Pay attention. Right. Phil Ball. One of the best writers you'll ever be able to enjoy when it comes to the world of El Foot. It's Tuesday, so that means we get his column. This week he's talking about, well, who the fuck cares, he's writing and we're reading. Do it. Do it! Meanwhile, his partner in crime Sid Lowe is writing about El Che. Sorry, Elche.

Over in Italy, we've got more Serie A to check out. And here's Paolo Bandini with even more. Love it. He's talking Luca, of course.

Manchester United vs. Chelsea turned out to be a bit of a slop fest. There wasn't much cohesion to the proceedings and it finished scoreless. And Fernando Torres is still awful, in case you were wondering. They actually talked about it. The Media, we mean. They had five points. Daniel Taylor was at Old Trafford, as well. Who was Man of the Match? Why, it was Shrek himself. Phil McNulty looks at the situation with Wayne Rooney. And here's a review of all the weekend action now that it's officially complete.

We missed Gabriele Marcotti's Monday Musings yesterday. Sorry. Here you go. He's talking Real/Barca, Napoli, and more.

Did you learn anything from this weekend in MLS. Anything? Bloody useless. Here are Five Things We Learned.

Raphael Honigstein. Hello! Bundesliga Expect Extraordinaire. Let's rock it.

The Transfer Window remains ajar. Here's what The Mill is churning out. Here's your Plus One.

That's going to have to do it. There's some Champions League action this afternoon but you already knew that.

-SSN

Michael Bradley to Sunderland?, Monday Night Football, Verona Beat Milan, Chelsea Get Black Eyed Pea

36 & Still Alive and Kicking

Happy Monday! Let's begin in the United Kingdom. Soldado scored from the spot again as Spurs beat Swansea, Liverpool and Mr. Sturridge won at Villa, and Arsenal won at Fulham. The shocker of the weekend went down down in Wales where Cardiff City knocked off Manchester City 3-2. Crisis for San Pellegrino already? Here are some facts. And here's all the action from Saturday.

Best of the Weekend

You want some points? How many? Ten? Done.

Monday Night Football! Manchester United vs. Chelsea. David Moyes vs. Jose Mourinho. Wayne Rooney vs. Wayne Rooney. Here we go, people! Catch it if you can. It's early season insanity. Turn your tube to NBCSN at 3pm EDT to catch the action.

Serie A. Italy. Luca Toni. Who? How old is that guy? 36 years of age, actually. Why do we care? He scored twice for Verona as they shocked Milan. Elsewhere, Inter won, a Carlos Tevez goal secured a road win for Juve, and Roma also won away from home. Here's a link to all the reports. Here are Five Things We Learned from Week One.

Monday MLS Breakdown is back! The big news was Clint Dempsey's home opener in Seattle. How did that go? Find out here.

The Mill is almost done. One more week and we can all chill the fuck out. Here's your Plus One.

La Liga was also in action over the weekend. No real surprises. Hit the slideshow if you wish.

Finally, this is what a Seattle record attendance of 67,385 for Clint Dempsey’s home debut looks like.

Done!

-SSN

Sheep Sacrifice, Serie A Returns, Transfer Madness, Anelka Walks, Podolski to Schalke?

It's Friday, peeps! Get ready for a slew of fine footie this weekend. Before we get into the previews, how's this for jumping the gun? Real Madrid were allowing supporters to buy Bale jerseys on the official site. For a few minutes, anyway. Looks like he's going to be Number 11. Oops. Speaking of Spurs, they had little trouble in Georgia last night. Swansea also won in Europa League action, and Mario Gomez got his Fiorentina career underway with a strike in La Viola's victory over Grasshopper in Zurich. Here's a little wrap to let you know what went down in UEFA's secondary club competition.

The big news this weekend is the return of Calcio. There is nobody better than Paolo Bandini to give us a Season Preview. Grazie mille, Paolo!

Dude, Hellas Verona are back in Serie A! They host Milan tomorrow and Verona's mayor has already told Super Mario to behave. Hah!

And, for the first time ever, Unione Sportiva Sassuolo Calcio will play in Serie A. Welcome.

Elsewhere, Juventus and Carlos Tevez head to Sampdoria, Inter host Genoa, and Michael Bradley and Roma will be in Livorno.  Here's a preview of the weekend fixtures.

They'll play in Spain, as well. No real biggies this weekend, however. Here's a preview.

Back in the UK, the biggest clash isn't until Monday when Manchester United and Chelsea square off. We'll tackle that then. Meanwhile, we've got a London Derby at Craven Cottage with Arsenal making the trip down to Fulham, City are in Wales to face Cardiff, Tottenham host Swansea, and Liverpool go to Villa. Here's a complete preview. And here are some key stories to keep you busy. You want predictions? Check it: Lawro's Predictions. More? Fine: Paul Merson's Predictions

"Huh? I thought it was William, not Willian. I want my shitty rapper!"

The transfer madness continues. Word is Roman has gotten involved and the Black Eyed Pea will now go to Chelsea instead of Spurs. Bale? Benzema? Suarez? Ozil? The Mill and your Plus One break it all down. Wait, did Arsenal sign someone? Nope, they're just going to get rid of someone else.

Oh, and Anelka bailed on West Brom. Shocking. Le Sulk played for 12 clubs. Is he done? Not sure.

Hey! Yank Abroad Jozy Altidore has a column. Let's check it out.

We'll conclude with this. Remember that Celtic lost their Europa League match to Kazakh opposition, right? Turns out it's all because their opponents killed some sheep. Duh. Look: "The animal was sacrificed in the corner of the stadium by Shakhter before they commenced a training session on Monday, a day ahead of their 2-0 victory in the first leg at the Astana Arena." Oh, dear...

That's it. We out. Enjoy your weekend.

Onward!!

-SSN

Balotelli, Chelsea Feel the Love, Arsenal Win, Bale Finally Ready to Bail?

Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Have you got some spare cash? Current odds for the London outfit to win the league sit around two to one. Not bad when you consider what went down at The Bridge yesterday. Amy Lawrence was there. The conspiracy theorists among us think that the refs gather ahead of the season, determine who shall win, and jog out onto the pitch to make it happen between August and May. Crazy thoughts, to be sure, but you never know. Even the esteemed Henry Winter agrees that a few winks from Lady Luck were necessary to claim all three points. Before we depart, here are Five Talking Points.

Across the continent in Istanbul, Arsenal benefited from a surprisingly anemic Fenerbahce side to triumph in their first leg Champions League qualifier 0 - 3. What a difference a few days make. Jeremy Wilson took in the action on the Bosphorus. There were other matches, but nobody really cares, do they?

If so, here's a wee wrap.

Bam! Gareth Motherfucking Bale! Bam! The greatest player since...since...anyway. It looks like he's finally ready to make the big move to Madrid. Los Blancos will have to shell out a pretty peso (euro) to do the deed, though. And they might have to add a Coentrao. £94million??!! Sheesh. It all makes for some prime entertainment, though.

Once Bale gets to Real, he and Ronaldo can have a "Dive-Off" competition.

Entry One: Gareth Bale 

Entry Two: Cristiano Ronaldo

Sorry, we don't mean to hate. Don't want to be haters. But, you know...

Right! Tottenham actually have a match to worry about this evening. They're currently with The Devil down in Georgia to take on Macon FC. Wait, what's that? Sorry -- it's actually Dynamo Tbilisi. Here's a preview. If you want to take in the action from Georgia, find a stream.

Is Mario Balotelli the Most Interesting Man in the World? Sports Illustrated and Grant Wahl would like you to think as much. Or that he can walk on water at the very least.

Sticking with Italy and Serie A, here are Five Questions ahead of the new season that kicks off this weekend.

The Mill? Check. Plus One? Check.

And let's end on this one: Chamakh blames his ass-form on a blackmail case. Hmmmm.

That's your lot. Bug off.

Onward!!

-SSN

Bayern Munich Lederhosen, Champions League Action, Midweek EPL

Pep questions his move away from Spain...

All eyes on Istanbul today as crisis club Arsenal attempt to steady the ship with a Champions League qualifying result in Turkey. The pressure is on the Gunners, but the pressure is also on their opponents. They've been accused of cheating. Suffice to say, they could win, but Fenerbahce could be ousted anyway. Mob ties, you see. Match fixing. You know the drill. David Hytner looks at the possible ramifications for Arsenal. Here's a preview. Direct your television to Fox Sports 1 at 2:45pm EDT if you care to take in the action in the United States.

There were matches in the same competition yesterday. Milan scored in Holland to take an advantage back to the San Siro. And if people actually still care about Scottish Football, we're terribly sorry. Celtic lost in Kazakhstan. Enough said. Here's a little wrap of yesterday's action.

Pep thinks, "maybe this isn't so bad."

Back in the EPL, Aston Villa obviously enjoyed their trip to the Emirates last weekend but they're back in London tonight to face a much more difficult opponent. Jose's Chelsea lie in wait at Stamford Bridge. This one is also at 2:45pm EDT and it's on NBCSN. Preview? Of course.

The biggest story currently coming out of The Mill is Willian's upcoming move to Spurs. Eastern Euro expert Jonathan Wilson weighs in. And here's your Plus One.

Sadly, that's really all there is.

Onward!!

-SSN

Pep is scared shitless as Ribery talks about his romp with an underage prostitute...

City Off the Mark, Tuesday Scribes, Lazio Racism, FSC Is Dead

Geez. Sergio played, Silva played, Yaya played, Na$ri played, and Steven Taylor let fly. Monday Night Football was a bit of a bust if you were a neutral. Daniel Taylor was at The Etihad as the San Pellegrino era got underway.

Why is Tuesday such a great day? It's when the top scribes all come out to play. Let's begin in Spain. Who would win in a cage match between English dudes living in Spain writing about La Liga? Who cares? Sid and Phil complement each other so well we can only imagine the two of them as best mates. Today, Sid chooses to focus on Real Madrid's almost-loss, whilst Phil makes us wish we lived in San Sebastian and could hop on a motorbike with our son and cruise down to the ground to take in Real Sociedad's opener.

The Lazio faithful get in the spirit!

Over in Germany, Raphael Honigstein is talking about the Hamburg Horror Show, and Paolo Bandini...err...well...he's still on vacation because Serie A has yet to begin. Don't fret, though. Although Lazio got drubbed by Juve in the Super Cup, their supporters won the prize for first out of the gate in the racism competition as they subjected Juventus players to racist chants and monkey noises. Good times!

Sticking with scribes, Tim Vickery is down in Latin America. Today, he'd like to talk about Javier Mascherano and Argentina. Fine.

Major League Soccer. Footie on home soil. Looks like Portland have put a bird on it and lead the Power Rankings. Avi Creditor has said rankings, plus a look back at the weekend's action and a Team of the Week. Hit it.

Right! The Mill! Plus One! Glad that's over.

And finally, let's shed a tear for Fox Soccer Channel. It's dead.

Onward!!

-SSN

Don't Call It A Comeback. Seriously.

Holy Christ. We're back. Listen. Pimpin' ain't easy, and something had to give. That something was SSN Headquarters. We shut the shit down. Closed up shop and took to the hills. Now, we're back.

As it turns out, we didn't miss much. Freddy Adu moved to Brazil, The Big Red-Faced One relinquished the reins of The Reds to Moe Sizlak, Sprockets danced their way to Champions League domination, and Arsenal finished above Spurs. Again.

The Special One is back at Stamford Bridge and John Terry is still a slug sucking the asshole of Jiminy Glick. The Diving German guided The Yanks to a Gold Cup win and a lovely result over Boz and Hertz thanks to a rejuvenated Jozy.

England still suck, and Brazil knocked Spain off their pedestal. Some other crap happened but that's basically the gist of it all.

So, what's new? The EPL is now on NBC in the USA. It's not bad, either. So far, so good, we think. Solid commentators via the UK feeds, no crazy Gus Johnson hyperbole, no Eric Wynalda and Warren "When I Played For England" Barton (crap wanker), and best of all, it is a new campaign. Without skipping a beat, defending champs Manchester United went to Wales and made a difficult fixture look easy, Chelsea turned on the style to welcome Jose back to London, Spurs won in South London, and Arsenal shat the bed. Liverpool? They won. Richard Jolly was at Anfield.

Talking Points? But, of course. Here are TEN.

Monday Night Football is also back as City's San Pellegrino Era kicks off this afternoon with the blue side of Manchester hosting Newcastle. 3pm EDT on NBCSN. City have over a gazillion pounds worth of new signings, don't you know?

Barcelona won 7-0 (yawn), Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund still look strong, and Yank Not Abroad Juan Agudelo scored this cheeky little number to help NE defeat Chicago.

That's it for now. We're going to need to ease back into this thing. Some of the SSN staff remain on sabbatical and the office is quiet. Too quiet. Give us some time to reacclimatize. Of course we can't leave without The Mill. And here's your Plus One. Ummmm, you're welcome!

Onward!!

-SSN

Indefinite Hiatus