10th: Newcastle
It could be a dreadful season for the Geordie faithful. By which I mean on paper
Newcastle seems destined for mid-table mediocrity. How dull. What would satisfy fans of many other clubs would just bore the Toon army. That said, we are talking about Newcastle here, so the possibility of drama can't be that far around the corner. Keegan looks increasingly bemused [even by his standards], not to mention isolated, so the melodramatic walk-out is always a possibility. The Chairman, Mike Ashley, seems about as comfortable in the football world as Paris Hilton in a thrift store, so he could sell the club at any moment. And of course, in standard Newcastle tradition, the millions they've shelled out on a new central defender, in this case Coloccini, may turn out to have been better spent on a 51 yr old non-league player with a wooden leg. And if things get really dull there's always Joey Barton to liven things up by hitting someone [if we're lucky it might be Denis Wise].
Key player: Little Micky Owen
Player to watch: Barton [everyone likes to gawp at accidents as they drive by]
Young player to watch: LuaLua
Team Dickhead: Who else?
9th: Man City
Mark Hughes and Ronaldinho sounded like a marriage made in hell. So perhaps Ronnie's huge disappointment at missing out on his first choice, and having to settle for dreary old Milan, might be a blessing disguise. Who knows how the Citizens will do under Hughes? He's proven his ability as a manager but done so with functional players working in a functional system. Man City have far more flair players, and Man City fans demand flair from their team, so Hughes may need to change his MO. Convincing Dunne to stay means they'll have a solid defense, so Sparky has the perfect base to prove he can produce teams that entertain as well as just get results. The one big surprise is the whole Thaksin Shinawatra drama - who could have possibly seen that coming?
Key Player: Dunne
Player to watch: Shinawatra
Young player to watch: Jo
Team Dickhead: Shinawatra. Ireland is also a bit of a knob, but its hardly the Amnesty International level like his boss.
8. Everton.
You could read about Everton having won 8-0 and you still wouldn't get excited about seeing the highlights. There's not much to write about them except that they're a really solid outfit, have a really solid manager, have really solid fans and more than likely will have a really solid season. The one thing that would pep them up is a new signing, but that's the one thing they've not done. The one thing that might bring them down is the problems surrounding their new ground. But they're too solid to be upset by that.
Key Player: Cahill
Player to watch: Arteta
Young players to watch: Jack Rodwell and Joe Baxter
Team Dickhead: van der Meyde
7th: Portsmouth.
Harry could have a tough job on his hands at Pompey. After last season's success what would have been considered a good season in the past may now seem a bit disappointing. But a good run in Europe would easily be offset any dip in league form, and unlike Megson at Bolton, you'd expect Redknapp to take Portsmouth's Eufa Cup bid seriously. Hopefully any success in the Eufa, with its crazy draining format, wont over-stretch Pompey's squad. On the positive side Redknapp has done well in keeping hold of Diarra and Krankjer, and bringing in Crouch could result in an effective little and large combo with Defoe. On the negative, he's lost Muntari [though got good money for him], and still not brought in someone who offers genuine width. Sol Campbell's age would only be of slight concern were it not for the fact his back-up is Younes Kaboul, a walking disaster last season for Spurs. All told you'd have to expect Pompey to have another good season .
Key players: Diarra/James
Player to watch: Krankjar
Young player to watch: Sahar [on loan from Chelsea]
Team Dickhead: Defoe
6th: Tottenham.
At the beginning of the summer everything seemed to be moving forward swimmingly for Spurs. Okay they looked set to loose Berbatov, but they'd bought in two talented youngsters, Modric and dos Santos, and had sorted out their keeper problem. What's more they'd lined up Bentley from Blackburn. But then out of left-field Liverpool came in and snatched Keane. Now, even though the Bentley transfer has gone through, with Berba still set to leave, almost the whole front line needs rebuilding. No mean feat, even for a top manager like Ramos. He must be praying Darren Bent's fantastic pre-season form doesn't dry up. There must also be some concern at centre back. King and Woodgate are fine players but must be on first name speaking terms with half the doctors in London. It seems strange that Ramos hasn't brought in a back up. That said, it's obvious Ramos is building something of substance at Tottenham, and it could just be a question of time until Spurs start challenging the top 4.
Key Player: The Spurs physio
Player to watch: Modric
Young player to watch: Bostock
Team Dickhead: Every team requires a dickhead so Ramos has covered the chance of sulky Berba leaving by bringing in loud-mouthed Bentley
5th: Aston Villa
Watching Villa last season was great. Young, home-grown players centred around a midfield fulcrum, producing fast, attacking, entertaining soccer. When it worked it worked wonderfully and when the wheels came off the crash was a bit of a pile-up, and as a result they were almost always entertaining. Unfortunately, that fulcrum, Gareth Barry, might leave. Yes, they've brought in Steve Sidwell, but that's like bringing in Bob the friendly neighbourhood handyman to continue painting the Sistine Chapel. At the back they will also miss Mellberg, but here the replacement, Carlos Cuellar from Rangers, seems more substantial. Okay, being named Scottish player of the year has the air of a backhanded compliment, but by most accounts he's actually pretty good. Martin O'Neill has also done a great piece of business in landing Brad Friedel and understudy Guzan, meaning the Chairman will have a couple of people around who speak his own language. Players like Young, Davies and Abonglahor should continue to improve under O'Neill, but so much seems to hang on Liverpool's move for Barry.
Key Player: Gareth Barry, regardless of whether he stays
Player to watch: Young
Young player to watch: Young
Team Dickhead : Villa let the league down by having no outright dickhead, but they certainly have a wanker
4th: Arsenal.
The Gunners provide the most pleasing football on the planet but for me they have 3 main weaknesses. First: a lack of goals from midfield, once a massive strength. In this respect the loss of Hleb shouldn't be too great; he brought people into play but never scored. With luck Theo will finally come out of his shell [and keep Eboué on the bench] and Nasri will live up to his reputation. But Pires and Ljungberg they ain't. Last season I was surprised Wenger didn't buy Ribery, this season I'm surprised he's not gone for David Silva, a bit of a Pires clone. Second weakness: they still haven't replaced Vieria, more in terms of personality than anything else. Perhaps Wenger had hoped Touré and Gallas would fill this role. Instead, every time a lead was taken in crunch games last season the duo lost control of their senses like a couple of housewives at a Tom Jones concert. Third weakness: they need a back-up at central defense because Senderos certainly isn't good enough.
So why haven't these areas been strengthened? It seems like every year Arsenal fans say the same thing, and with justification: 'If we just went out and bought two really top quality players we'd beat everyone'. Either the Gunners really don't have any money and the claims of 'Arsene has £70 mil to spend' were bollocks, or simply the older Wenger gets the more utopian he becomes. Slowly it seems like he's possessed by proving to the world he can win everything with kids. And having watched a couple of pre-season games, and seen players such as Vela and Wilshere, it's easy to see why he puts such faith in them. What's more, Spain won Euro 2008 with a team of small, technically gifted players, playing with style. But the point is, they did so with two players of real experience and steal: Pujol and Senna. Exactly the type of players Arsenal lack.
I'd love Wenger to prove me wrong and win the EPL, not least because were Arsenal to have a poor season it could be Fabregas who's looking to leave next summer.
Key Player: Fabregas
Player to watch: Fabregas
Old Player to watch: Gallas
Team Dickhead: Now that Mad Jens has gone there's no out and out dickhead, though plenty of wankers on their day [van Persie, Eboué, Bendtner]
3rd: Liverpool
A five yr old Aborigine with no interest in soccer could tell you the Red's weakness last season was down the flanks. Considering this, Rafa's buying policy is a touch baffling. Getting Robbie Keane makes a degree of sense as it's easy to see he and Torres forming a good partnership. But it's still £20mil that could have been spent elsewhere. But £18 mil for Gareth Barry makes no sense at all. What's the difference between him and Alonso, other than Alonso has just won Euro 2008? There's no doubting Barry's quality, but couldn't the money be better used? At the back Benitez has brought in Dossena, but their full backs hardly match up to Arsenal's, ManU's or Chelsea's. For width up front they'll be relying on Kuyt, Babel and Pennant, who aren't going to win you the EPL. Barry can play left, but it's moving in field that's seen an increase in his value. I'm just a bit surprised that Benitez, like Wenger, hasn't gone for someone like David Silva, who has real quality and would solve Pool's lack of width in a stroke. At least he seems to have ended his policy of buying 3 or 4 mediocre players every summer, each costing around £4 mil, and each one being crap [Voronin, Pennant, etc]. Instead he seems to have gone the Arsenal route and decided to give youth a chance with the likes of Ngog and Plessis.
Liverpool will always be strong at the back [even more so with the return of Aggar], and down the middle, but something is still missing. Creativity, perhaps? No EPL then, but maybe one of the cups.
Key Player: Gerrard
Player to watch: Torres
Young players to watch: Plessis and Nemeth
Team Dickhead: Pennant
2nd: Manchester United.
If ManU had had a calm summer they'd be heavy favourites to retain the title. Okay, they've managed to keep the shackles on the slave Ronaldo, but they've lost Fergie's number two. Quieroz slowly seemed to be taking responsibility for everything, including running training, translating and the minor matter of tactics - he could well be sorely missed. Moreover, if ManU had any weaknesses last season it was their lack of a quality right back and a target man up front. Fergie seems to think Old Man Neville's return will solve the former, which is at best questionable. Berbatov seems the perfect solution up front, but insulting Daniel Levy could have scuppered that one. But they'll probably get their man. Obviously they'll remain a really strong outfit, capable of beating anyone, but they'll need to show in the opening months that they can manage without Ronaldo. If not, Chelsea could be beyond catching.
Key Player: Spartacus
Player to watch: Berbatov?
Young player to watch: Anderson
Team Dickhead: Jonny Evans
1st: Chelsea.
Last season Chelsea, despite having replaced The Special One with Mr Personality Bypass, came through to have a strong season. Unfortunately for their fans they came 2nd, at everything. Now with a manager of proven quality, some good signings [Boswinga should fix their glaring right back weakness, and Deco could be the signing of the summer], they look even stronger. Their one problem could be keeping everyone happy, especially in midfield now that Lampard is staying. Having coached Brazil, Scolari should have some experience in dealing with this problem. That said, it's not hard to imagine his most fluent sentence in English becoming 'No, really, playing in the Carling Cup is worth something, honest'. Above all, let's pray he gets his team playing more entertaining soccer; last season's main tactic appeared to be based around boring the opposition into defeat. The multiple second places of last season should provide strong motivation this time round. Champions for me.
Key Player: Terry
Player to watch: Deco
Young player to watch: Are there any young players at Chelsea?
Team Dickhead: Ashley Cole
