Sir Alex on Charlie Rose, Wilshere Up In Smoke, Europa League, Weekend Previews, Messi's House

Jack!

We might as well begin our Friday with the Europa League. Everyone's favorite second-tier competition provided Wigan with their first ever win in Europe. Spurs won, Swansea won. There really were not many surprises. Here's a round-up.

On to something much more fun. England's latest hope, Jack Wilshere, was seen smoking. He says it was a prank. He tweeted about it. His gaffer is non too pleased.

Right. Might as well stay in England (and Wales) and look at the weekend ahead. Here are 10 Things To Look Forward To. Sadly, there are no real lovelies on offer, at least on paper. You've got a London Derby with West Ham going up to Tottenham, but Spurs should be able to handle that. Manchester United's trip to Sunderland could be interesting. Everton at Manchester City might be the best on offer. It will be interesting to see how City respond in front of the home crowd after being stomped by the Germans. Arsenal at West Brom should be pretty tight as well. Although, according to Michael Palin (he's hanging with Lawro this week -- see below), it'll be 8-1 to the Brommies. Here's a preview of all that stuff. And some Team News. As we said, some people want to predict what will happen. In addition to Palin, that would be Lawro and Paul Merson.

On to Italy, where we've got a real clash on our hands! Unlike the rather uninspired fixture list in the Premier League (and La Liga -- see below), Serie A gives us Inter vs. Roma domani. And Domenica? How about Juventus vs. Milan and Lazio vs. Fiorentina. Sensazionale!

And in Spain, Real Madrid are under pressure as they head down to Valencia to face Levante. Here's a preview of all the La Liga weekend acción.

Messi's house looks like a soccer ball from above. That's all.

La casa futura de Messi?

The Big Interview today is Steve Bruce. The Hull manager speaks on redemption in East Yorkshire, the task ahead of David Moyes, looking like Mrs. Doubtfire, and that club name change.

For some reason there hasn't been any MLS Friday Forecast lately. We miss it. Here are the latest Power Rankings from a few days ago.

We'll conclude today with Sir Alex Ferguson and Charlie Rose. If you've got an hour to spare, here's the whole bloody thing:


Have a great one!

-SSN

Bayern Dominate City, United Draw, Tube Map, Americans Abroad

Ja! Manchester City were blown off their own pitch by reigning Champions League Champions Bayern Munich. That Joe Hart sucked made little difference. The gap in class was striking. Guess who made the trip up to the Etihad? Why, Barney Ronay, of course. And John Brewin has Three Things on his mind following the Bayern masterclass.

The other side of Manchester were in action as well. They were out in Ukraine to face Shak. It ended 1-1. Jonathan Wilson has a nice piece comparing the situations of the two Manchester clubs. United = Improved. City = Not Improved.

Other matches included Yank Abroad Sacha Kljestan and his Anderlecht side getting pummeled at home by Olympiakos, Ronaldo and Di Maria bracing themselves in Real's rout of Copenhagan, Juve and Gala drawing, and The Zlatan grabbing two of his own in PSG's victory at home over Benfica. Here's a nice summation of all of yesterday's action. And here's a Podcast in case you're interested. Since Matchday Two is now complete, let's look at Five Things We Learned.

In other "news," The Football Association and London Underground have teamed up to create a reworked Tube map to mark their joint 150th anniversaries. All 367 Tube, Docklands Light Railway and Overground stations have been named after footballers and officials. Here's a link to the whole thing. Enjoy standing in the dark in a packed car for 23 minutes between Teddy Sheringham and Wayne Rooney stations.

That other European tournament takes place today. Here are Five Things to Know about the Europa League. Here are some previews. Spurs, Swansea, and Wigan are all in action.

Let's take a moment to check in on Americans Abroad with the latest installment of Americans Abroad.

Phil McNulty was at the Emirates yesterday. He's a good writer. Let's read.

Let's conclude,

SSN

Arsenal Bring Sexy Back & Napoli Fans Riot, Chelsea Win & Greenpeace Drops a Banner, Balotelli Crap Penalty, U.S. Open Cup

Napoli fans show their class at the Emirates

Come on. What's wrong with Gazprom?

There's not really any place else to begin this morning other than at Arsenal. The Gunners turned what was supposed to be the clash of the day into a one-sided affair with a display of sublime skill that effectively killed off the match before many of us could got settled in prime viewing mode. Barney Ronay was at the Emirates and Michael Cox has five reasons why Mesut Özil is such a special talent. Prior to the match, some traveling Neapolitans showed their class by attacking Piebury Corner. That ain't right.

Elsewhere, Chelsea won their must win match in Romania with ease (but Torres was hurt), Fabregas scored the goal that allowed Barcelona to beat 10-man Celtic, controversy in Amsterdam as Ajax and Milan drew 1-1 (Balotelli Bullshit Penalty), and Atletico Madrid continued their fine form with a win at Porto. Here's a wrap. And another. And one more. Hah!

In case yesterday wasn't enough for you football-loving fools, today we've got David Moyes and his very hot seat in Ukraine to face Shakhtar Donetsk (Jonathan Wilson says watch out!), San Pellegrino vs. Pep in Manchester, and Copenhagen in Madrid to face a Gareth Bale-Less Real. Here is today's preview.

Did you know that the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup Final was last night? The 100th final? Neither did we. D.C. United won the thing by upsetting Real Salt Lake at Rio Tinto. Here are some thoughts on the matter.

Let's stay Stateside and take a look at the USMNT's Hot List. Hot? Aron Johannsson. Not? Michael Bradley.


balo by 11MYM

The fix was in,

-SSN

Champions League, Podcast, Scribes, Zlatan's Burger

Even Chuck Norris couldn't fit it in his mouth? Uh, that's what she said?

Whew! Let's get this party started, right? So much to tackle today. Where to start? The Podcast would make the most sense, right? Here we go: AC Jimbo has Iain Macintosh, James Horncastle and proper journalist Owen Gibson in the Football Weekly pod to pontificate on a weekend of Manchester-flavoured misery, with both United and City losing in pretty ropey fashion. Can the Red Devils and the Citizens bounce back in the Champions League, with tricky ties away at Shakhtar and at home to Bayern Munich respectively? Shirely not. Elsewhere in the Premier League, Arsenal continued their impressive start, Luis Suárez scored a brace for Liverpool - which is appropriate considering he was suspended for etc etc - and Fernando Torres showed his nasty side as Chelsea drew with Spurs. Sid Lowe and Rafa Honigstein help us muddle through the rest of the European fixtures, and we get mighty excited by Steve McClaren's imminent appointment by Derby County.

There five goals at Goodison Park last night. Newcastle were atrociously poor (Tim Howard got an assist!) but somehow managed to only lose 3-2. Saj Chowdhury was in Liverpool.

Marcotti has been musing again. His thoughts are thus: Carlo Ancelotti prepared for Real Madrid hot seat, Moyes' media mix-up, Zlatan vs. everyone.

Sticking with The Zlatan for a moment, he now has his own Burger. Yes, it's called "Le Zlatan" and it's massive. And it costs €29.90 ($40.50). Yikes! Kind of breaks the stereotype of Parisian cuisine, no?

OK. Back to the matters at hand. The Champions League returns today. Steaua Bucuresti host Chelsea. Arsenal host Napoli. Ajax host Milan. Celtic host Barcelona. Here are myriad preparatory offerings:

Tuesday Preview

Miguel Delaney: Methods key for Wenger and Benitez in UCL

Steaua Bucharest vs. Chelsea: Odds, Preview and Prediction

Arsenal vs. Napoli: Date, Time, Live Stream, TV Info and Preview

Matchday Two Preview

Major League Soccer is designed for parity. Which can be good. But it can also suck. Ives looks back at the weekend in the U.S. league.

Scribes! Your Tuesday opportunity to take a look back at what went down of note around the world over the weekend. We've had a chance to digest everything, so let's dig in again:

Sid Lowe in Spain: Atlético Madrid have truly arrived after conquering Real Madrid again

Phil Ball in Spain: Atlético celebrate a record-breaking start to the season as Real's problems continue.

Tim Vickery in Brazil: Cluttered club calendar causing conflict.

Raphael Honigstein in Germany: Schalke staggering towards another shambles after Hoffenheim draw.

Paolo Bandini in Italy: Torino make their mark on Carlos Tevez, but Juventus take the points.

We mentioned yesterday that Gervinho is playing well at Roma. Just how did he get his groove back?

Let's terminate today's post with something from Amy Lawrence. Amy's talking some Higuaín. Gonzalo is thriving at Napoli on the back of the Maradona factor. You see, the Argentine opted for Napoli, the club synonymous with his hero, and is already regarded as one of Serie A's best.

Do it,

-SSN

EPL Upheaval, Atlético Beat Real, Monday Night Football

¡Dame la cara, Jan!

A Happy Monday to you! Sky is calling it "Shock Saturday" and rightly so. Why? Manchester United lost at Old Trafford to West Brom. Did you see that coming? Neither did we. Manchester City lost at Aston Villa. A bit easier to digest, surely, but still a surprise. That's the first time both Manchester squads have lost on the same day since 2008. Wow. Could this be the most exciting Premier League season ever?! Ahem.

Elsewhere, it was honors even at White Hart Lane as Spurs and Chelsea drew 1-1 and Torres saw red. The Spanish striker had his best match in years, but let things get a bit over the top when he unveiled his newest move on Jan Vertonghen. It's called The Claw. Torres could be out for a while.

Here's a review of all the weekend action, followed by the usual (and critical) reports & features:

Phil McNulty at White Hart Lane
Jamie Jackson at Old Trafford
Oliver Brown at Old Trafford
Paul Wilson at Villa Park

Joe Lovejoy at Liberty Stadium

Five Thoughts

10 Talking Points

Team of the Weekend

Garth Crook's Team of the Week

Tactics

Jamie Jackson: David Moyes at Manchester United: where is it all going wrong?

Good match, Steve. I'm going to go barf now...

It's Monday and there is football at night. Tonight. Hence, Monday Night Football. This week's offering is unbeaten Everton at home against Newcastle. It all begins at 3pm EDT and you can catch it on NBCSN.

The Madrid Derby was on Saturday and Atlético Beat Real, 0-1 at the Bernabéu.
Guillem Balague offers his take on the match, along with a word on Messi's injury. Here's a review of the key action in La Liga.

Over in Italy, Roma stayed perfect by demolishing Bologna 5-0 (Gervinho keeps scoring) Juve edged Torino in their derby ("ouch," says Tevez), and Inter drew at Cagliari. Here's a wrap.

We'll finish back in the USA with MLS: Five things we learned in Week 31.

Boo. Yaa.

-SSN

Weekend Previews, The Joy of Six, AVB vs. The Special One, Isco, Big Interview

It's Friday so let's bust out a Joy of Six. Today's a bit of an odd one. It's matches to remember from days when West Brom beating United was not a shock – from Denis Law to Cyrille Regis and an eight-goal Old Trafford thriller. Boom.

Thierry Henry has a meme. Really.

Previews? Yes. The biggie in England is Tottenham vs. Chelsea. AVB and Jose used to be buds, you see. And now they're not. And Spurs look good this year. And Chelsea look a bit suspect. Elsewhere, Manchester United host West Brom (see above), Manchester City go to Villa, Swansea host Arsenal, and Sunderland welcome Liverpool. Here's all you need:

Preview

10 Things To Look Forward To

Lawro's Predictions

Paul Merson's Predictions
José Mourinho and André Villas-Boas: how the inseparable duo grew apart

The man making waves at Real Madrid is not Ronaldo. It's Isco. He's being compared with Zidane. Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! Andy West takes a look at the Golden Boy award winner.

We mentioned the appalling refereeing in Madrid's match earlier in the week. Graham Hunter digs deeper. Madrid? Yes, The Derby is on Saturday.

The Big Interview is Sol Campbell. Sol says racism may force him out of England to be a manager.

Hey, there was a match in Serie A yesterday and it was a good one. Inter came from behind to defeat Fiorentina and remain unbeaten. Here's a report.

We'll finish today by returning to Tottenham. They signed Christian Eriksen. Amy Lawrence filed this piece on the Denmark Number 10.

-SSN

Sid Lowe's Book, What's In Your Wallet?, Serie A, Deaths for Qatar 2022, Podcast

You all know we love Sid Lowe. Hopefully you do too. He's got a book coming out, apparently. His employers, The Guardian, have graced us with an extract that accounts the night Figo returned to Barcelona after bailing on the Blaugrana for Real Madrid. The fans were not too pleased with the Portuguese winger, and threw a pigs head on the pitch. Several SSN Staff watched that match together and it's fun to reminisce on what was an incredible night over ten years ago.



Meanwhile, all eyes were on Luis Suarez at Old Trafford yesterday, but it was Manchester United who took the spoils in their League Cup clash against Liverpool as Chicharito finished nicely for the only goal of the match. Alistair Magowan was there and filed this report. In the other biggie of the night, West Brom and Arsenal went all the way to penalties before the London side headed home with the win thanks to Nacho netting the final spot-kick. John Percy was at The Hawthorns where a certain Nick Bendtner played a game!!?? Here's the draw for Round Four. Certainly, Chelsea's trip to Arsenal stands out amongst the fixtures.

There's a Podcast today -- James Richardson is joined in the pod by Paul MacInnes, Barry Glendenning and Jacob Steinberg to review the midweek action, as Luis Suarez returned for Liverpool, and Nicklas Bendtner for Arsenal. Juan Mata, David Luiz and Fernando Torres returned for Chelsea against Swindon, ahead of the weekend's big clash with Spurs. Sid Lowe joins us to discuss all matters Madrid, while speculations continue about the potential formation of the Glendenning/Wilson managerial axis at Sunderland.

It was a wacky Wednesday in Italy as leaders Napoli lost the top spot to Roma following their shock home draw to Sassuolo. Here's a review of all the action. And Paolo Bandini filed a special midweek report. Check it here.

Spain saw some action as well. Terrible defending and a dodgy penalty helped Real Madrid win. Here's a wrap.

More on Mata? Here. Jermaine Defoe? We've never been much of a fan. He embodies a lot of what is wrong with professional footballers. Turns out, he's doing some good! Well done, son.

Bloody hell. As if Qatar 2022 were not a complete wreck already, we've now got a report from The Guardian that claims Qatar World Cup construction 'will leave 4,000 migrant workers dead'. Apparently they are being forced to work in slave-like conditions. FIFA, FIFA, FIFA. Fucking Inept Football Association filled with criminals.

We'll finish with a tad more on Paolo Di Canio. Henry Winter sums up our feelings quite well: "Goodbye and Good Riddance."

-SSN

Italy Racism Ruling, More League Cup, Midweek Serie A & La Liga, Red Bull, Michael Jackson Comes Down

No longer...

No upsets in yesterday's Capital One Cup action. Chelsea, Spurs, Sunderland, Man City, and West Ham all won. Here's a review. Today's fare is far more tasty, with Liverpool's trip to Old Trafford the main event. Luis Alberto Suárez Díaz was on the bus for the Reds and he's ready to take a bite out of Manchester United. Sorry. So, it's a big comeback for the feisty Uruguayan. Let's take a moment to look back at how Cantona, Di Canio, Ferguson and Ferdinand fared on their returns. In the other match of note, expect to see loads of new faces as Arsenal go to West Brom. And an old one, too.

There's also midweek action in Spain. Neymar notched his first for Barcelona as they cruised past Real Sociedad 4-1 and remained perfect for the campaign. Oh, and Messi scored. Here's a wrap of yesterday's stuff in Spain.

There's also midweek action in Italy. Although there were matches yesterday and today, the main event arrived in the form of a decision by the Italian FA. AC Milan's supporters were charged with racial abuse in the match against Napoli, but it's not all cut and dry. Gabby Marcotti explains.

Marina Hyde is a great scribe. Today she's talking about absurd football award ceremonies. Take a look.

We've got a focus on New York Red Bull (click that at your own risk). They are currently tops in MLS. Mike Petke is their coach. Can they finally succeed?

There are tears flowing around SSN Headquarters today. This is why: The controversial Michael Jackson statue that has stood outside Fulham's Craven Cottage ground for more than two years was removed on Wednesday morning. It's all quite tragic, really, but The Editor, TSB, and Bobby BS were fortunate enough to experience the elegance and beauty of the statue in person, and they are going to have to rely on those memories moving forward. Sniff.

-SSN

Being Paul Gascoigne, Americans Abroad, Podcast, What's In Your Wallet?, Top Scribes

Americans Abroad returns! See below...

Loads to get through today. We'll start on a sad note. Barney Ronay has seen the documentary set to air tonight about Paul Gascoigne. It's not really about him, though. And it's not about football. It's about alcoholism.

El Sid is in Spain and he'd like to discuss Valencia, among other things.

Phil Ball is in Spain and he'd like to discuss the La Liga schedule, among other things.

Raphael Honigstein is in Germany and he'd like to discuss Bayern Munich, among other things.

Tim Vickery is in Brazil and he'd like to discuss why so many South American managers struggle in Europe, among other things.

Paolo Bandini is in Italy and he'd like to discuss Napoli, among other things.

Avi's got your look back at MLS with his Power Rankings and Team of the Week here. According to him, Seattle is still top Dogg.

Let's stick with Yanks for a moment and see how those based oversees are doing. For example: Tim Ream started for Bolton but they lost to Brighton and are now bottom of the Championship.

Right. There are some matches this afternoon. It's the What's In Your Wallet? Cup. The big one is tomorrow (Manchester United vs. Liverpool) but there are some interesting ties on offer today. Chelsea at Swindon, Spurs at Villa, and Everton at Fulham could all be fun.

It IS Tuesday so let's get on with The Podcast: James Richardson is joined in the pod by Barry Glendenning, Sean Ingle, Philippe Auclair and Simon Burnton to cast an eye over the weekend's finest action, including Manchester City's 4-1 thrashing of arch-rivals United, the demise of Paolo Di Canio and Mikel Jon Obi's big breakthrough for Mata-less Chelsea. Barry reveals his plans for Sunderland, as he and Jonathan Wilson are talked about for the club's vacant managerial position. Sid Lowe is on hand to discuss Swansea's splendid 2-0 win at Valencia last week and Gareth Bale's injury troubles, there's the latest from Italy where Mario Balotelli has finally missed a penalty, and we consider the prospects for a summer World Cup in Qatar. All this and much more. 

Finally, since we began on a sad note this morning, let's conclude with a laugh. This is a good one...

-SSN

City Crush United, Super Mario Misses, Roma Beat Lazio, Istanbul Derby Abandoned, Di Canio Sacked

Besiktas and Galatasary fans get the party started in Istanbul...

Whew. What a weekend, eh? Let's begin with everyone's Favorite Fascist: Paolo Di Canio. As if the Sunderland directors needed any extra reason to let Paolo go, things apparently came to a head at the training ground yesterday. It was enough to say, "Arrivederci, " and...You're Fired. Gus Poyet and Roberto Di Matteo are names being bounced about as possible replacements. Either of them would be a massive improvement to Di Canio.

On to the matches at hand. Or that were at hand. Manchester! Mancunians of the Red and Blue persuasion and the rest of us around the world were focused on the Etihad Stadium yesterday for the Manchester Derby. RVP had a thigh issue so he didn't play. Chris Smalling took the pitch, but he didn't really play much either. Four - One to Manchester City was the result. Ouch. Henry Winter was there, don't you know? As was Phil McNulty. And Michael Cox talks Nasri, Kolarov, and the tactics that won it for City.

We might as well stick with the BPL. Spurs saved it for late to break down a resilient Cardiff side, Ozil notched three assists as Arsenal downed Stoke, Liverpool lost at Anfield, Chelsea swept aside Fulham, and Yank Abroad Brad Guzan and Villa kept a clean sheet! Here's some shit:

10 Talking Points
Five Thoughts

7 Truths
Garth Crook's Team of the Week
Team of the Week

Over in Italy, Napoli and Roma remained perfect atop Serie A with key wins, Inter Milan thrashed Sassuolo 7-0, and two-time defending champion Juventus struggled at times before edging Hellas Verona 2-1. Napoli came away from the San Siro with a 2-1 victory over AC Milan with goals from Miguel Britos and Gonzalo Higuain, while Mario Balotelli failed to convert a penalty kick for the first time in his career. He also scored. He also got a red card. Sounds like Balotelli, right? Never a dull moment. Here's your Serie A Wrap.

Federico Balzaretti scores for Roma against Lazio. And promptly loses it.

Politics and football mixed once again in Turkey, where a red card for Galatasaray's Felipe Melo in the 92nd minute was the catalyst for the scenes of havoc after Ivorian striker Didier Drogba had scored twice to give the visitors a 2-1 lead over Besiktas. Apparently, Melo raised his jersey at the Besiktas fans as he was leaving the pitch. They were none too pleased and entered the field of play chanting songs in reference to this summer's anti-government protests across Turkey. Sweet.

Down in Spain, Barcelona and Real Madrid cruised but Bale got hurt warming up. In Germany, Bayern Munich still look brutally good. In France, PSG and Monaco drew as Falcao and The Zlatan both scored. Here's a complete Euro Review.

Back in the USA, they're plying their trade in Major League Soccer. Ives has a wrap and says the race for the playoffs is a full blown free-for-all.

Act like you know,
SSN

Manchester Derby, Rome Derby, Day Off

That's all you get today. Office = Closed.

Chelsea Lose, Ask Keown, Europa League

All eyes on He Who Is Special.

Lionel Messi. Remember that guy? Turns out he's still got it. Another three for the little Argentine last night as Barcelona dispatched of Ajax. That wasn't really unexpected. What was unexpected was Basel beating Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. Ouch. The Special One and his benefactor Roman were dealt a tough blow by the Swiss side. Henry Winter was there. 

Out in Milan, Celtic made a real go of it but came up short, and down in Marseille, Arsenal came away with a win. Stuart James made the trip to Stade Vélodrome. And here are Three Things that we learned.

In the day's most attractive match (at least on paper), Rafa Benitez's Napoli defeated Borussia Dortmund.  It was all too much for Dortmund's gaffer Klopp who was sent off after this meltdown. Here's a wee wrap of all of yesterday's fun.

Right. If the Champions League was yesteryday, that must mean the Europa League is today. Not terribly exciting, is it? Here's a Five-Step Plan to improve that.

Ask Martin Keown. Go ahead, ask him.

And that's about it on this rather quiet Thursday. Take it easy.

-SSN

Mark Halsey, Champions League, Yid Chants, Ronny's Teeth

Wanker.

How many times have we called Mark Halsey a wanker over the years? Well over 600 times, we're guessing. The guy is a wanker. That's the deal. Anyway, he wrote a book, apparently, and it confirms what we've said all along. He's a wanker. Marina Hyde takes a look.

Right, so the Champions Group stage got off and running yesterday. Bayern Munich win? Check. Manchester United win? Check. Real Madrid win? Check. Manchester City win? Check. PSG win? Check. Juventus win? No. They drew in Copenhagen. Here's a wrap of yesterday's action. Of note: In United's win last night, Wayne Rooney scored his 200th goal. Here's a look back at 10 of his best. Mr. Fake Hair is also the top English goal scorer in Champions League history. Who are the other nine?

David Moyes is already doing things differently than Fergie. Take a look.

Today's matches include Chelsea/Basel, Marseille/Arsenal, Barcelona/Ajax, and Milan/Celtic. A quick poll taken amongst SSN Staff revealed that the match of the day will probably be Napoli/Dortmund.

We're gonna miss you, old friend.

Oh, no. The Prime Minister has gotten involved. David Cameron said yesterday that it is acceptable for Tottenham fans to use the term "Yid" in their chants.

The Buck-Toothed Jheri-Curled One is now just The Jheri-Curled One. Yes, Ronaldinho got his teeth fixed. It's sad, really. We'll miss the old Ronny.

We'll finish up today with an excellent piece by our friend Laurent Dubois. Professor Dubois writes on the World Cup and how it exhibits the best and the worst.



Ta,
SSN

Champions League, Podcast, Weekend Action, Africa Playoffs Set

Tuesday, friends. Tuesday. This Tuesday is a tad more special than most super-boring Tuesdays because the Champions League Group Stage gets underway. More on that later.

Let's blast off with Jimbo and Co. and his Podcast. It's the best in the business as far as we're concerned. Here's his intro: On today's Football Weekly, AC Jimbo and Barry Glendenning are joined by Barney Ronay and Michael Cox to cogitate and regurgitate all the bits and bobs from the weekend in the Premier League, including a sparkling debut for Mesut Özil for table-topping Arsenal, Everton's defeat of Chelsea, and more points dropped by Manchester City. Next, we gaze ahead to opening fixtures in the Champions League proper. Will David Moyes be found out in his first European night in charge of Manchester United as they welcome Bayer Leverkusen? Maybe ust go and hide in the bushes to watch them train, like this chap at Genoa. Finally, we hear from Sid Lowe about Gareth Bale's first goal for Real Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo's eye-watering new contract, and why our exiled friend has no love for Status Quo.

We love Marcotti's Monday Musings. They're nice for Mondays. Trouble is, we don't see them until Tuesday. Regardless, this week he's musing on: Ronaldo's deal, Halsey breaks trust, Young's dive, more. OK, muse on, Marcotti.

Monday Night Football lived up to expectations as John Joe Billy Bob Shelvey had a hand in all four goals of the 2-2 draw between Swansea and Liverpool. It was a fun match, that's for sure. Henry Winter was at the Liberty Stadium. The Reds now top The Table!

O.K. It is Tuesday, after all, and that means the top scribes have filed their reports. Let's begin in Germany, Ja? Raphael Honigstein is over there and he's all over Der Bundesliga. Turns out, although Borussia Dortmund have sold some guys recently, they're still quite good. Quite good. 

They're still blessing the rains down in Africa for some reason. The draw took place to see who would play whom for the right to party in Brazil. Check it.

Dude. Gareth Bale. Real Madrid. Villarreal. You know the gents in Spain are all over it. Phil Ball says this: Bale himself, who continues to look like a vaguely polite schoolboy who has grown inexplicably large overnight, wandered timidly around the pitch looking like he'd lost his satnav. Did you really wonder why we love Phil Ball so? Sticking with Spain, Sid Lowe wants to talk Bilbao. They left the legendary San Mamés last year, but according to Sid, their intoxicating spirit remains despite move next door. 

Over in Italy, Paolo Bandini is on the Serie A scene. He discusses the hilarious story that we posted yesterday regarding Rambo and looks in on all the other weekend action, including the sudden resurgence of Inter Milan.

OK, time to hit the Champions League. It's all kicking off this afternoon, with heavyweights such as defending champs Bayern Munich, Manchester United, Manchester City, Real Madrid, PSG, and Juventus in action. The media are going gaga over it so we'll just toss out some links:

Preview

The Contenders: Why they will (or won't) win

10 things we are looking forward to

The changing face of the Champions League

Hey! Don't forget Major League Soccer! Here are some Power Rankings and a Team of the Week. Don't say we don't love you.

We'll finish with some insane-o attacking football from RB Leipzig. Now that's what we call a kick-off!!

Peace,
SSN

Bale Scores, Genoa's Spying Coach, Monday Night Football

We'll begin our week with The World's Most Expensive Footballer. Señor Bale didn't waste much time getting his first Madrid goal. Yes, he scored on his debut. But did he play well? Dominic Fifield made the trip to Villarreal and submitted this report.

So suave...

Back in England, there were no real surprises as Ashley Young took another dive, Fulham were frustrating, DiCanio screamed bloody murder and was sent to the stands, and Torres was worthless in Chelsea's loss to Everton. Here's a review. Best of the Weekend? OK. Speaking of the Everton/Chelsea match, what a great game. The last 30 minutes were enthralling. Phil McNulty was at Goodison Park.

Of course, there are loads of things to discuss. Here are 10 to get you off and running. Oh, and five...thoughts.

Meanwhile, with the Champions League on the horizon, Louise Taylor penned a piece for The Observer on Saturday and said, "Rafael Benítez feels new club Napoli embracing the spirit of Liverpool." It would appear that Rafa is enjoying his new lease on life over in Italy. Hard to fathom it being more difficult than his terrible time at Stamford Bridge.

Did you know that Ricardo Clark plays in Houston? Neither did we. Here's a look back at the weekend's action in Major League Soccer.

"What? Me? Just chillin'..."

A press release from Sampdoria after they nabbed a Genoa coach (above) spying on a training session. Hilarious:

That the derby is a question of nerve, tactics and strategy we already knew, but frankly we could never expect that it could turn into an scene of espionage.

Like Rambo hidden among the branches on the hill, Luca De Pra, Genoa goalkeeping coach and man of noble footballing ancestry, failed to overcome Sampdoria’s intelligence and counter intelligence operations.

However, no prisoners were taken, and no blood was shed. Once tracked down and caught red-handed, the opposing side’s soldier was let free to return to base. You should always forgive your enemies, as nothing annoys them more.

You really can't make this shit up. Perhaps Genoa gained some vital information from the commando mission because they defeated their neighbors with ease. Elsewhere, Inter and Juventus drew, a Balotelli penalty in injury time got a draw for Milan at Torino, and Fiorentina drew. Here's another wrap. 

In Spain, Madrid drew (see way above) and Barcelona won a thriller against Sevilla. Grab some popcorn: Here's your slideshow.

There is Monday Night Football. Tonight. Monday. Night. It will take place in Wales. Swansea, to be specific. Liverpool will be there. You can check out all the drama at 3pm EDT on NBCSN.

Right. Keep it Tite.

-SSN

Real Football Returns, Bale to Play, The Art of the Foul, More Sir Alex at Harvard, Derby d'Italia

Happy Friday,

Now that the dust has settled from the World Cup qualifiers earlier in the week (did Clint miss on purpose?!), we can finally return to normal service. Club football gets back underway for the first time since the Transfer Window thankfully slammed its annoyingly leaky frame shut.

Before we get into all of that, however, let's take joy in The Joy of Six. Today we are graced with The Art of the Foul.

Off to Italy with you! Serie A is back and it's time for the Derby d'Italia and the Derby della Lanterna. d'Italia gets top billing here simply because Inter vs. Juventus interests us more than Sampdoria vs. Genoa. Perhaps if we lived in Genoa it would be different. But, we do not live in Genoa.

Ahhh, Genoa.

We do not live in Spain, either. That is where La Liga gets fired up once again and word on the street is Gareth Bale will play for Real Madrid when they go to Villarreal! Elsewhere, Barca host Sevilla and Atlético Madrid host Almeria. Here's your preview.

Let's now head back across the Channel and investigate the slew of fixtures on deck in the Premier League. Things get rolling early tomorrow as Manchester United and new boy Marouane Fellaini host Palace at Old Trafford. Elsewhere, Everton host Chelsea at Goodison Park, Tottenham's new signings try to settle at home against Norwich, Arsenal go to Sunderland, Swansea host League Leaders Liverpool, and Stoke host Manchester City. Here are all the essentials:

Weekend Preview

10 Things To Look Out For

Paul Merson's Predictions

Lawro's Predictions

Michael Cox: How Will the New Signings Fit In?

You guys remember the case study done on Alex Ferguson at the Harvard Business School? No? It doesn't matter. Here's the info: In 2012 Harvard Business School professor Anita Elberse had a unique opportunity to examine Ferguson’s management approach and developed an HBS case study around it. Now she and Ferguson have collaborated on an analysis of his enormously successful methods. Be warned. It's long. And there's a lot of what, as football fans, we'd say is quite obvious. That said (hah), it's an interesting read.

Which new Premier League player are you most interested in checking this weekend?

Who knew Cardiff City would be so welcoming? Lovely.

You want some more of the U.S. and Brazil 2014? Fine. Time for The Diving German to figure out who will be on the plane. Here are Martin Rogers' picks for the 23 lucky lads.

From our family to yours,

SSN

USA Advance to Brazil 2014, Argentina, Italy, Dutch In, Martina Hyde on Blatter, The Kagawa Conundrum

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, then who the hell else are you talking- You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh?

Out in O-H-I-O last night the United States defeated Mexico to earn a spot at next summer's World Cup in Brazil. It was bloody fantastic. Mexico were ass, the crowd was amazing, Deuce missed a penalty, Donovan had pink eye, Timmy Howard looked like Isaac Hayes, and just like in Columbus in 2001, 2005, and 2009, it finished Dos a Cero a los Gringos.

Report

Ives was there

Grant was there

And he has Three Thoughts
U.S. Player Grades
Mexico Player Grades

Andrea Canales: Same Old Mexico

Meanwhile, down in Asunción, two Messi penalties helped Argentina thump Paraguay and book their ticket north to Brazil. Colombia could not do the same as they lost in Uruguay. Here's a wrap of yesterday's CONMEBOL acción.

In UEFA, England were bleh yet again in their scoreless draw with Ukraine. Elsewhere, the Italians and the Dutch clinched berths in Brazil, and France overcame a couple of Lloris errors to beat Belarus. That's a wrap. And Trap got the sack.

Let's just bounce to this: World Cup qualifiers: who's in, out and who has their fingers crossed. Thank you, Jonathan Wilson.

We had a piece about Sepp Blatter and Qatar yesterday. Martina Hyde lends a hand with a column on the same subject today. She says: And so once more to the rolling auto-satire that is Qatar 2022, which Blatter is endeavouring to style as a post-imperial blow for human fairness, when everybody knows the tournament is meant to function as a reputation-laundering facility for a non-democratic regime whose record is deplored by any number of respected rights organisations. Yup. Couldn't have said it better ourselves.

You again?

Manchester United hope a fanzone can improve Old Trafford's dismal atmosphere, the Kagawa Conundrum, and this goal from Panama's Gabriel Torres will complete our Hump Day.

-SSN

USA vs. Mexico, England vs. Ukraine, Blatter Idiotic, Vickery on Chile & Maicon, 100 Years of Highbury

Hey folks. Yes, it's that time of year again. The time of year when we actually give a shit about Columbus, Ohio. Why, you ask? Why would we care about such a boring town in the middle of such a boring state? Because the United States will play an important match against their enemies in said city this evening. It's USA vs. Mexico on The Road to Brazil. Mexico is in turmoil, but the U.S. are suffering from injuries and suspensions. The Bleacher Report has a look at Five Great USA vs. Mexico matches here. Grant Wahl chats with Timmy Howard here. Jeff Carlisle says there's not much between the two sides here. And The Shin Guardian has a preview here. The match can be viewed in the United States this evening on ESPN at 8pm EDT. It should be fun.

OK. What else is going on? Well, other nations are trying to get to Brazil, as well. England, for instance. The lads are in Kiev (pronounced: KEEEEEEEV) and according to Daniel Taylor, Woy is feeling the pressure.

Uhh, sorry Little Pea, but you'd get your ass kicked. Just saying....

Here are some other matches of note taking place across Europe this afternoon.

Gianluigi Buffon. SSN's favorite Alice Cooper look-a-like. He'll equal Fabio Cannavaro's appearance record for Italy tonight but apparently there was a time when he did not want to get out of his car at the training ground. By the way, Italy could qualify for Brazil tonight. As well as... 

Let's not forget about South America. Here's the current situation down there where the big match sees Colombia travel to Montevideo to face Uruguay.

On to our favorite buffoon, Sepp Blatter! Sepp is an idiot. But, you knew that.

Back to Brazil for a second. Maicon was good in Serie A. Maicon was shit for City. Maicon returned to Serie A. Maicon is good again. Maicon can play for Brazil again. Tim Vickery reports. Tim Vickery is busy! He's busy with Chile. They're entertaining, so says he.

The majority of SSN staff happen to be Arsenal supporters. That's fine. We try to keep things relatively neutral -- there are plenty of Arsenal blogs out there to enjoy, after all. Occasionally, however, something comes along that we need to spotlight. Highbury is 100 Years Old. 442 put together a fabulous collection of photographs in honor of the Centenary. Enjoy.

SSN's Editor was lucky enough to be in the stands the day this photo was taken: March 31, 2001. Goals from Pires and Henry won the North London Derby on the day Spurs introduced Glenn Hoddle as their new manager. A wonderful tribute to David Rocastle who had passed away that morning made the match one for the ages.

-SSN

USA Lose, Mexico Lose, Armenia Win, Agbonlahor Makes One Direction Clown Puke, Kyle Walker Does Nitrous

Ok, let's start with the main story, at least in our view. SSN Employees were forced to stay up far too late Friday night to watch a poor performance by the U.S. National Team. After Michael Bradley turned his ankle (badly) whilst warming up, the Americans lost their cool and never recovered, eventually losing 3-1. With Bradley's injury and suspensions to key players, the depth of the squad will be tested. Grant Wahl takes a look and it looks like Jurgen has already called in four dudes to help out.

Meanwhile, at Estadio Azteca, the U.S.'s main rivals Mexico lost to Honduras. Uh oh. You know what that meant for El Tri coach Jose Manuel "Chepo" De la Torre early Saturday morning, about three hours after the embarrassing home loss. Yes, this.

Yeah, we think that's twisted. Beer to Kevin Finn for the photo.

Andrea Canales takes a closer look at the Mexican struggle.

Over in Europe, England beat Moldova (yawn), Armenia beat the Czechs (WTF?!), France drew with Georgia (?), Spain cruised, and The Dutch drew in Estonia. Here's a full review.

In South America, Argentina and Colombia are closing in on tickets to Brazil. And Tim Vickery says that even as Luis Suarez is diving again, Uruguay are rising to the challenge.

Blessing the rains down in Africa are Cameroon, Ivory Coast and Ethiopia after each of those nations advanced in African qualifiers and will grace the playoffs.

Ten Talking Points? Boom.

Here is a complete rundown on The Race to Brazil that includes every region.

This is priceless. Louis Tomlinson is a member of the Band of Shit One Direction. He played in a charity match for Stiliyan Petrov. He got tackled nicely by Gabriel Agbonlahor. Then he puked. Then Agbonlahor got death threats. Good Grief.

Oh, yeah...that's the stuff...

Sticking with priceless, we give you this: Walker apologizes after England defender is pictured inhaling 'hippy crack' from balloon in Sheffield nightclub. Since when did they start calling nitrous "hippie crack?" And...of course...that leads into England's Hall of Shame. Did someone say, "Gazza?!"

Major League Soccer: Chicago gifts Seattle a win, while the Galaxy falls at home. Read all about it.

That's your Monday.

-SSN