Champions League Draw, Podcast, Super Cup, Weekend Clashes, Friday MLS Forecast

Right! Happy Friday. Let's get right into it.
Here are the groups:

2013 - 2014 UEFA Champions League draw

Group A
Manchester United	Shakhtar Donetsk
Bayer Leverkusen	Real Sociedad
Group B
Real Madrid	Juventus
Galatasaray	FC Copenhagen
Group C
Benfica	Paris Saint-Germain
Olympiacos	Anderlecht
Group D
Bayern Munich	CSKA Moscow
Manchester City	Viktoria Plzen
Group E
Chelsea	Schalke
Basel	Steaua Bucharest
Group F
Arsenal	Marseille
Borussia Dortmund	Napoli
Group G
Porto	Atletico Madrid
Zenit St. Petersburg	Austria Vienna
Group H
Barcelona	AC Milan
Ajax	Celtic

Let's break it down, shall we? And we'll go ahead and christen Group G "The Group of Yawn."

Kaka. Remember him? 2007 World Player of the Year? Well, although he belongs to Jesus, he says he'd like to leave Real Madrid. They bought him four years ago for £56 million. Check these stats from his time with Real. Yikes.

Appearances: 120

Cost per game: £466,666

Goals: 29

Cost per goal: £1,931,034

Games to goals ratio: 4.14

Honours: La Liga (2011-12), Copa del Rey (2010-11), Spanish Supercup (2012)

Jimbo returned with a Podcast yesterday and it's quite enjoyable. He and the lads (Sid Lowe, Barry Glendenning, Raphael Honigstein) are talking Celtic, Arsenal/Tottenham, Liverpool/Manchester United, and more.

What else? Oh, yes. Samuel Eto'o'o'o'o'o'o will ply his trade this season at Stamford Bridge. Let's see...Makhachkala, Dagestan or London, England? We'll take London, thank you very much. Sticking with transfers that have actually happened, perhaps a segue to The Joy of Six is in order? Today it's Record Transfers.

Why the sad face? Oh, because you cost Betis a world-record £21.5million and you sucked? OK.

There is a match of note today. It's called the Euro Super Cup and it pits the winner of the Europa League (Chelsea) against the winner of the Champions League (Bayern Munich). It's really only interesting because of Jose and Pep, the new gaffers. Former allies now enemies. Of something like that. Anyway, here's a preview.

Shit. The Mill. Plus One. The Latest. Phew.

On to the weekend! Super Sunday will have all of us feeling like this because of the fixtures on the calendar. First up is Liverpool vs. Manchester United. After that is the North London Derby between Arsenal and Tottenham. Here's all the crap you'll need to know about everything tomorrow and Sunday:

Weekend Watch

Ten Things

Merson's Predictions

Lawro's Predictions

North London Derby: Tactical Battle

The Forecast is back! Sweet! Looks a bit hot, though.

In Italy this weekend, Lazio's trip to Juventus appears to be the most interesting match. Genoa vs. Fiorentina could also entertain. Here's a preview.

In Spain this weekend, Barcelona's trip to Valencia appears to be the most interesting match. Real Sociedad vs. Atletico Madrid could also entertain. Here's a preview.

OK, that'll have to do. Have a great holiday weekend. Try not to Labor too hard...

-SSN

Wahl & Drogba, Celtic Drama, Champions League Draw, Arsenal Sign Player, Paolo Bandini on Spurs' Lamela

Ahoy!! Celtic pulled off one hell of a comeback last night at Celtic Park to secure a spot in the Champions League proper. Neil Lennon's lads needed an extra time strike to do it, but their three goals and clean sheet ensured passage to the Group Stage. Milan and Real Sociedad also advanced. The big draw is later this afternoon. Here's a complete breakdown of how it could go down when it goes down.

Meanwhile, in London, Tottenham have moved to replace Gareth Bale with Erik Lamela. Not content to be The Next Totti, Lamela will now be The Next Bale. Paolo Bandini takes a look at Spurs' new €30 Million Man.

And, not to be outdone by their neighbors, Arsenal have finally splashed the cash, and are certain to make their supporters overjoyed with a new mega super-exciting signing of their own. Errrr...oh. Free? Oh.

Grant Wahl interviewed Didier Drogba. Instead of saying, "No fucking way in hell would I play in that crap American league MLS," Drogba said he's open to the possibility. Wow.

Tim Vickery is talking Brazil. And how they play. And history. And things of that nature.

The What's In Your Wallet? Cup draw was drawn yesterday and it provided a lovely fixture in the form of Manchester United vs. Liverpool. Evra vs. Suarez. You can feel the tension in the room.

Here's a good one. Messi is actually a dick. Seriously. Read.

Let's finish with Sid Lowe. How will Bale handle the Real Madrid dressing room? Will he shower with a towel? Go Full Monty? Drop the soap? It's all about building relationships, says Sid.

Catch you later,

-SSN

Champions League, Kasey Keller, What's In Your Wallet?

So, the Champions League qualifying stage is almost complete. One more round of matches today and then the draw for the group stage is tomorrow. Arsenal had little trouble with Fenerbahce as Aaron Ramsey scored twice in the 2 - 0 win. A torn hamstring for Podolski and some knocks to Ramsey and Jack Wilshire took the shine off the victory, however. Meanwhile, Fenerbahce have been banned from Europe for two years for match fixing and it has nothing to do with how bad Dirk Kuyt and Raul Meireles suck. Back to that draw, though. How exactly does it work?

Sexo es vida...

Grant Wahl was in Seattle last weekend to check out the newest craze sweeping The Emerald City. Clint Dempsey Mania!

The League Cup is back in England. Liverpool needed extra time to defeat Knots Landing. Andy Hunter was at Anfield. There was controversy in Birmingham after Yeovil scored in bizarre circumstances. Here's a brief review of all the action.

The Mill. Plus One.

Kasey Keller used to live in a castle. With a moat. He was the first American to play in La Liga. He used to have hair. He talks here.

Sticking with Yanks, Landon Donovan signed a Big Deal with L.A. No surprise there.

Sale. Rail. Bale!

Over and out.

-SSN

Paolo, Rafael, Phil, Sid, Tim Times Two, Scrappy Old Trafford

Let's begin with Brazil 2014. Those of us at SSN Headquarters will not be attending. You'd have to be mad to deal with that mayhem and give money to the FIFA World Governing Body. Tim Vickery outlines just how expensive a trip to Brazil would be. Tim also bounces south to examine El Superclasico between Boca and River in BA. Well played, luv.

Hey! Pay attention. Right. Phil Ball. One of the best writers you'll ever be able to enjoy when it comes to the world of El Foot. It's Tuesday, so that means we get his column. This week he's talking about, well, who the fuck cares, he's writing and we're reading. Do it. Do it! Meanwhile, his partner in crime Sid Lowe is writing about El Che. Sorry, Elche.

Over in Italy, we've got more Serie A to check out. And here's Paolo Bandini with even more. Love it. He's talking Luca, of course.

Manchester United vs. Chelsea turned out to be a bit of a slop fest. There wasn't much cohesion to the proceedings and it finished scoreless. And Fernando Torres is still awful, in case you were wondering. They actually talked about it. The Media, we mean. They had five points. Daniel Taylor was at Old Trafford, as well. Who was Man of the Match? Why, it was Shrek himself. Phil McNulty looks at the situation with Wayne Rooney. And here's a review of all the weekend action now that it's officially complete.

We missed Gabriele Marcotti's Monday Musings yesterday. Sorry. Here you go. He's talking Real/Barca, Napoli, and more.

Did you learn anything from this weekend in MLS. Anything? Bloody useless. Here are Five Things We Learned.

Raphael Honigstein. Hello! Bundesliga Expect Extraordinaire. Let's rock it.

The Transfer Window remains ajar. Here's what The Mill is churning out. Here's your Plus One.

That's going to have to do it. There's some Champions League action this afternoon but you already knew that.

-SSN

Michael Bradley to Sunderland?, Monday Night Football, Verona Beat Milan, Chelsea Get Black Eyed Pea

36 & Still Alive and Kicking

Happy Monday! Let's begin in the United Kingdom. Soldado scored from the spot again as Spurs beat Swansea, Liverpool and Mr. Sturridge won at Villa, and Arsenal won at Fulham. The shocker of the weekend went down down in Wales where Cardiff City knocked off Manchester City 3-2. Crisis for San Pellegrino already? Here are some facts. And here's all the action from Saturday.

Best of the Weekend

You want some points? How many? Ten? Done.

Monday Night Football! Manchester United vs. Chelsea. David Moyes vs. Jose Mourinho. Wayne Rooney vs. Wayne Rooney. Here we go, people! Catch it if you can. It's early season insanity. Turn your tube to NBCSN at 3pm EDT to catch the action.

Serie A. Italy. Luca Toni. Who? How old is that guy? 36 years of age, actually. Why do we care? He scored twice for Verona as they shocked Milan. Elsewhere, Inter won, a Carlos Tevez goal secured a road win for Juve, and Roma also won away from home. Here's a link to all the reports. Here are Five Things We Learned from Week One.

Monday MLS Breakdown is back! The big news was Clint Dempsey's home opener in Seattle. How did that go? Find out here.

The Mill is almost done. One more week and we can all chill the fuck out. Here's your Plus One.

La Liga was also in action over the weekend. No real surprises. Hit the slideshow if you wish.

Finally, this is what a Seattle record attendance of 67,385 for Clint Dempsey’s home debut looks like.

Done!

-SSN

Sheep Sacrifice, Serie A Returns, Transfer Madness, Anelka Walks, Podolski to Schalke?

It's Friday, peeps! Get ready for a slew of fine footie this weekend. Before we get into the previews, how's this for jumping the gun? Real Madrid were allowing supporters to buy Bale jerseys on the official site. For a few minutes, anyway. Looks like he's going to be Number 11. Oops. Speaking of Spurs, they had little trouble in Georgia last night. Swansea also won in Europa League action, and Mario Gomez got his Fiorentina career underway with a strike in La Viola's victory over Grasshopper in Zurich. Here's a little wrap to let you know what went down in UEFA's secondary club competition.

The big news this weekend is the return of Calcio. There is nobody better than Paolo Bandini to give us a Season Preview. Grazie mille, Paolo!

Dude, Hellas Verona are back in Serie A! They host Milan tomorrow and Verona's mayor has already told Super Mario to behave. Hah!

And, for the first time ever, Unione Sportiva Sassuolo Calcio will play in Serie A. Welcome.

Elsewhere, Juventus and Carlos Tevez head to Sampdoria, Inter host Genoa, and Michael Bradley and Roma will be in Livorno.  Here's a preview of the weekend fixtures.

They'll play in Spain, as well. No real biggies this weekend, however. Here's a preview.

Back in the UK, the biggest clash isn't until Monday when Manchester United and Chelsea square off. We'll tackle that then. Meanwhile, we've got a London Derby at Craven Cottage with Arsenal making the trip down to Fulham, City are in Wales to face Cardiff, Tottenham host Swansea, and Liverpool go to Villa. Here's a complete preview. And here are some key stories to keep you busy. You want predictions? Check it: Lawro's Predictions. More? Fine: Paul Merson's Predictions

"Huh? I thought it was William, not Willian. I want my shitty rapper!"

The transfer madness continues. Word is Roman has gotten involved and the Black Eyed Pea will now go to Chelsea instead of Spurs. Bale? Benzema? Suarez? Ozil? The Mill and your Plus One break it all down. Wait, did Arsenal sign someone? Nope, they're just going to get rid of someone else.

Oh, and Anelka bailed on West Brom. Shocking. Le Sulk played for 12 clubs. Is he done? Not sure.

Hey! Yank Abroad Jozy Altidore has a column. Let's check it out.

We'll conclude with this. Remember that Celtic lost their Europa League match to Kazakh opposition, right? Turns out it's all because their opponents killed some sheep. Duh. Look: "The animal was sacrificed in the corner of the stadium by Shakhter before they commenced a training session on Monday, a day ahead of their 2-0 victory in the first leg at the Astana Arena." Oh, dear...

That's it. We out. Enjoy your weekend.

Onward!!

-SSN

Balotelli, Chelsea Feel the Love, Arsenal Win, Bale Finally Ready to Bail?

Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Have you got some spare cash? Current odds for the London outfit to win the league sit around two to one. Not bad when you consider what went down at The Bridge yesterday. Amy Lawrence was there. The conspiracy theorists among us think that the refs gather ahead of the season, determine who shall win, and jog out onto the pitch to make it happen between August and May. Crazy thoughts, to be sure, but you never know. Even the esteemed Henry Winter agrees that a few winks from Lady Luck were necessary to claim all three points. Before we depart, here are Five Talking Points.

Across the continent in Istanbul, Arsenal benefited from a surprisingly anemic Fenerbahce side to triumph in their first leg Champions League qualifier 0 - 3. What a difference a few days make. Jeremy Wilson took in the action on the Bosphorus. There were other matches, but nobody really cares, do they?

If so, here's a wee wrap.

Bam! Gareth Motherfucking Bale! Bam! The greatest player since...since...anyway. It looks like he's finally ready to make the big move to Madrid. Los Blancos will have to shell out a pretty peso (euro) to do the deed, though. And they might have to add a Coentrao. £94million??!! Sheesh. It all makes for some prime entertainment, though.

Once Bale gets to Real, he and Ronaldo can have a "Dive-Off" competition.

Entry One: Gareth Bale 

Entry Two: Cristiano Ronaldo

Sorry, we don't mean to hate. Don't want to be haters. But, you know...

Right! Tottenham actually have a match to worry about this evening. They're currently with The Devil down in Georgia to take on Macon FC. Wait, what's that? Sorry -- it's actually Dynamo Tbilisi. Here's a preview. If you want to take in the action from Georgia, find a stream.

Is Mario Balotelli the Most Interesting Man in the World? Sports Illustrated and Grant Wahl would like you to think as much. Or that he can walk on water at the very least.

Sticking with Italy and Serie A, here are Five Questions ahead of the new season that kicks off this weekend.

The Mill? Check. Plus One? Check.

And let's end on this one: Chamakh blames his ass-form on a blackmail case. Hmmmm.

That's your lot. Bug off.

Onward!!

-SSN

Bayern Munich Lederhosen, Champions League Action, Midweek EPL

Pep questions his move away from Spain...

All eyes on Istanbul today as crisis club Arsenal attempt to steady the ship with a Champions League qualifying result in Turkey. The pressure is on the Gunners, but the pressure is also on their opponents. They've been accused of cheating. Suffice to say, they could win, but Fenerbahce could be ousted anyway. Mob ties, you see. Match fixing. You know the drill. David Hytner looks at the possible ramifications for Arsenal. Here's a preview. Direct your television to Fox Sports 1 at 2:45pm EDT if you care to take in the action in the United States.

There were matches in the same competition yesterday. Milan scored in Holland to take an advantage back to the San Siro. And if people actually still care about Scottish Football, we're terribly sorry. Celtic lost in Kazakhstan. Enough said. Here's a little wrap of yesterday's action.

Pep thinks, "maybe this isn't so bad."

Back in the EPL, Aston Villa obviously enjoyed their trip to the Emirates last weekend but they're back in London tonight to face a much more difficult opponent. Jose's Chelsea lie in wait at Stamford Bridge. This one is also at 2:45pm EDT and it's on NBCSN. Preview? Of course.

The biggest story currently coming out of The Mill is Willian's upcoming move to Spurs. Eastern Euro expert Jonathan Wilson weighs in. And here's your Plus One.

Sadly, that's really all there is.

Onward!!

-SSN

Pep is scared shitless as Ribery talks about his romp with an underage prostitute...

City Off the Mark, Tuesday Scribes, Lazio Racism, FSC Is Dead

Geez. Sergio played, Silva played, Yaya played, Na$ri played, and Steven Taylor let fly. Monday Night Football was a bit of a bust if you were a neutral. Daniel Taylor was at The Etihad as the San Pellegrino era got underway.

Why is Tuesday such a great day? It's when the top scribes all come out to play. Let's begin in Spain. Who would win in a cage match between English dudes living in Spain writing about La Liga? Who cares? Sid and Phil complement each other so well we can only imagine the two of them as best mates. Today, Sid chooses to focus on Real Madrid's almost-loss, whilst Phil makes us wish we lived in San Sebastian and could hop on a motorbike with our son and cruise down to the ground to take in Real Sociedad's opener.

The Lazio faithful get in the spirit!

Over in Germany, Raphael Honigstein is talking about the Hamburg Horror Show, and Paolo Bandini...err...well...he's still on vacation because Serie A has yet to begin. Don't fret, though. Although Lazio got drubbed by Juve in the Super Cup, their supporters won the prize for first out of the gate in the racism competition as they subjected Juventus players to racist chants and monkey noises. Good times!

Sticking with scribes, Tim Vickery is down in Latin America. Today, he'd like to talk about Javier Mascherano and Argentina. Fine.

Major League Soccer. Footie on home soil. Looks like Portland have put a bird on it and lead the Power Rankings. Avi Creditor has said rankings, plus a look back at the weekend's action and a Team of the Week. Hit it.

Right! The Mill! Plus One! Glad that's over.

And finally, let's shed a tear for Fox Soccer Channel. It's dead.

Onward!!

-SSN

Don't Call It A Comeback. Seriously.

Holy Christ. We're back. Listen. Pimpin' ain't easy, and something had to give. That something was SSN Headquarters. We shut the shit down. Closed up shop and took to the hills. Now, we're back.

As it turns out, we didn't miss much. Freddy Adu moved to Brazil, The Big Red-Faced One relinquished the reins of The Reds to Moe Sizlak, Sprockets danced their way to Champions League domination, and Arsenal finished above Spurs. Again.

The Special One is back at Stamford Bridge and John Terry is still a slug sucking the asshole of Jiminy Glick. The Diving German guided The Yanks to a Gold Cup win and a lovely result over Boz and Hertz thanks to a rejuvenated Jozy.

England still suck, and Brazil knocked Spain off their pedestal. Some other crap happened but that's basically the gist of it all.

So, what's new? The EPL is now on NBC in the USA. It's not bad, either. So far, so good, we think. Solid commentators via the UK feeds, no crazy Gus Johnson hyperbole, no Eric Wynalda and Warren "When I Played For England" Barton (crap wanker), and best of all, it is a new campaign. Without skipping a beat, defending champs Manchester United went to Wales and made a difficult fixture look easy, Chelsea turned on the style to welcome Jose back to London, Spurs won in South London, and Arsenal shat the bed. Liverpool? They won. Richard Jolly was at Anfield.

Talking Points? But, of course. Here are TEN.

Monday Night Football is also back as City's San Pellegrino Era kicks off this afternoon with the blue side of Manchester hosting Newcastle. 3pm EDT on NBCSN. City have over a gazillion pounds worth of new signings, don't you know?

Barcelona won 7-0 (yawn), Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund still look strong, and Yank Not Abroad Juan Agudelo scored this cheeky little number to help NE defeat Chicago.

That's it for now. We're going to need to ease back into this thing. Some of the SSN staff remain on sabbatical and the office is quiet. Too quiet. Give us some time to reacclimatize. Of course we can't leave without The Mill. And here's your Plus One. Ummmm, you're welcome!

Onward!!

-SSN

Indefinite Hiatus

Tevez to Jail?, Europa League, MLS, FA Cup

We'll start with everyone's favorite Quasimodo look-a-like Carlos Tevez. He's not allowed to drive. He drove anyway. He could go to jail. Apparently, Tevez was banned for six months on January 16 after pleading guilty to two counts of failing to furnish information relating to incidents in which his Hummer vehicle was clocked speeding. He also admitted not having a proper UK driving licence. Really? Really? Do you have to drive? Can't you get a driver with all your gazillions? And why isn't Man City making sure he isn't acting like an idiot? Really?

Really, Carlos Tevez?

In other news, Inter Milan shat the bed nicely at White Hart Lane yesterday. The Editor took in the match with SSN Italian Expert AGT with a nice little spread of fresh local oysters, prosecco, and chicken mole. Suffice to say, AGT was appalled by the ineptitude of the Italian side. Bale was good again (although he picked up a yellow for a dive that rules him out of the San Siro return leg) but really, Inter were terribly poor. David Hytner was at White Hart Lane. 

Elsewhere, Chelsea couldn't handle the Romanian laser beams and lost in Bucharest, Newcastle drew in Moscow, and Lazio won in Stuttgart. Here's a wrap of all of last night's action.

It's Friday, friends. That means it's time for The Forecast. Or not. It's not yet posted. Fine. Here are some previews instead.

Let's bounce to England. There are a few EPL matches (Liverpool vs. Tottenham, anyone?) this weekend. There are also a few FA Cup (Manchester United vs. Chelsea, anyone?) matches. Here are some links to get you up and running:

Premier League Preview
Premier League Spotlight
Paul Merson's Predictions
Lawro's Predictions
Ten Things to Watch Out For

Shit ain't right in Brazil. Three incidents since the turn of the year -- one of which resulted in the death of a young fan -- have provided renewed cause for concern over fan behaviour and the stadium-going experience in Brazil.

The Joy of Six is Football Trips Gone Wrong. Leicester City's trip to La Manga in 2000 makes the cut. Enjoy.

Right. We'd better wrap it up. Here's your Serie A preview. Here's your La Liga Preview.

David Lacey wants to look back at the United/Real match. He thinks Manchester United should have responded better after Nani's red card. Not only that, the reaction to going down to 10 men against Real Madrid raises questions about the true qualities of Alex Ferguson's side. Or so he says. You be the judge.

We'll finish with this from the Daily Mail: Leave the FA Cup alone, stop hijacking the best ties with glitzy Premier League games on other channels... Another victory for the dunderheads who run English football.

Onward!!

-SSN

Leagues Such As Europa And Champions, Football Weekly Extra, Marina Hyde on Chelsea, Tim Vickery on Venezuela

No Start For You!

Let's start with Chelsea today. Marina Hyde has an interesting piece. Here's her catch: Rafa Benítez: the real story of Roman Abramovich's Chelsea master plan. The absolutely vital thing to remember when considering Chelsea is that there is always more to it.

Champions League. PSG advanced (more Zlatan!) and Juventus advanced (no surprise there). 

Europa League. Things are starting to get interesting. Tottenham Hotspur vs. Internazionale Milan, for example. Two young managers battling it out. AVB against one of his own clubs. Spurs on a high after their defeat of Arsenal. 

Chelsea, meanwhile, have to go all the way over to Bucharest. Newcastle have the pleasure of facing that dictator's plaything FC Anzhi Makhachkala. You know, the ones based in Makhachkala. Yes, that Makhachkala. Yes, the capital of the Republic of Dagestan. Guus Hiddink is their manager. Samuel Eto'o plays for them. For some reason the match will be on the artificial pitch of Moscow's Luzhniki Stadium. Gross. Here's a preview for all of today's action. For some reason it includes a weird picture of Patrick Kluivert.

Tim Vickery is in Brazil but he's eager to talk about Venezuela. Their football culture, not Hugo Chavez.

Chelsea Get Goofy In Romania.

Sticking with Brazil, remember Bruno Fernandes? The goalkeeper who was about to move to Milan but was accused of murdering his girlfriend? Well, he now admits he knew his ex-girlfriend was murdered, dismembered and fed to his pet rottweilers. Nice.

Podcast! On today's Football Weekly Extra, James Richardson has stir-fry tofu munching Sean Ingle, Tom Lutz and Iain Macintosh in the pod to look back on all the drama of Manchester United's defeat to Real Madrid, featuring as it did a rather dodgy red card for Nani, a goalscoring-but-non-celebrating return to Old Trafford for Cristiano Ronaldo, and the latest beginning-of-the-end of Wayne Rooney's United career. Anyway, never mind the Champions League – which also saw success for PSG, Borussia Dortmund and Juventus, about which there's plenty more in Jimbo's European paper review on Friday – Sid Lowe wants to talk to us about cornflakes and his favourite breakfast cereals. Finally, we look forward to the weekend, with those FA Cup quarter-finals including Blackburn's tussle with Millwall, and Reading v Aston Villa and Tottenham's trip to Liverpool in the Premier League, and get up to speed with Justin Bieber's love for Aston Villa.

That's it. We out.

Onward!!

-SSN

Real Madrid and Manchester United Fallout, Messi's Golden Foot, Americans Abroad

Well, that was interesting. Call us conspiracy theorists, but we think the fix was in. There is no way that was a red card for Nani. He was looking at the ball the whole time. Not surprisingly, UEFA backs the ref's decision. The Special One said that the best team lost. Gabriele Marcotti is not so sure.

As you might expect, there were a fair amount of scribes at Old Trafford to keep tabs on things. Here are are four of our favorites, along with their headlines:

Phil McNulty: Sir Alex Ferguson's silence speaks volumes
Henry Winter: Manchester United red with rage after referee wrecks Champions League dream with Nani red card against Real
Richard Jolly: United rocked by Nani red
Daniel Taylor: Nani's red card opens door and Real Madrid defeat Manchester United

Jonathan Wilson has some additional analysis, as if you really need it. But wait! What of Wayne Rooney? The fake-haired one was left on the bench. Does the bell toll? Mark Ogden thinks it signals the end for him at Old Trafford.




Yes, there was another match yesterday. Dortmund eased past Shakhtar 3-0. Do you want a report? Nah. Really? Fine.

Today we've got Juventus vs. Celtic. This one is pretty much over after Juve's 3-0 win in Glasgow. The other match today is PSG vs. Valencia. Now, this one is still up for grabs. PSG won the first leg down in Valencia 2-1, but Idiot Ibrahimovic got sent off and they've not been playing well of late. Can Golden Balls help?

Americans Abroad. Banging the drum of freedom in scary places like England, Denmark, Mexico, and Portugal. Herculez Gomez is doing quite well, we're told. Sticking with Americans, The Big Interview features a dude who used to be an American Abroad, but is no longer. Yes, everyone's favorite metal-loving keeper Marcus Hahnemann talks curry, cider, snowboarding and Seattle Sounders. Yes, we're listening.

Messi's foot is made of gold. Seriously. Here.

We'll clean things up this humpday with Sid Lowe. Understandably, El Sid wants to talk Real Madrid and what a difference eight days make.

Onward!!

-SSN

MANCHESTER UNITED VS. REAL MADRID and some other stuff

Holy Mega Match! 

Will the world stop?!

The Special One and his crew are at Old Trafford this afternoon for the second leg of their Champions League Round of 16 tie with Fergie and his boys. You won't want to miss it. Sadly, Gus Johnson is calling the match here in the States along with Super Prick Orange Spray Tan Man Warren Barton. Dick. Anyway, prepare yourself for loud outbursts of "Cristiano Ronaldo"!!

Let's get to the hype!

Sid Lowe wants us to know about Raphaël Varane – Real Madrid's teenage 'natural' tipped for greatness.



When you think tactics, do you think Michael Cox? We do. Here's his tactical preview.

More Tactical Conundrums.

Daniel Taylor reckon Real Madrid present Manchester United with a formidable challenge. Well, duh. I mean, that's the point, right?

Sticking with that theme, Phil McNulty goes out on a limb and claims that the match has the potential to be a classic.  Er. Yeah.

Here, take this preview. And this one, too.

Christ. There is another game today. It's Shakhtar Donetsk and Borussia Dortmund down in Dortmund. Jonathan Wilson knows his Eastern Europe so we'll let him handle the preview responsibilities.

Gabriele Marcotti's Monday Musings: United and Real prepare for battle, the North London gap, praise for Francesco Totti. Do it.

Like we said yesterday, MLS has begun. Here's a look back at what happened.

MNF. Manchester City edged Villa (who played quite well, really) thanks to a Tevez goal. Henry Winter made it up to Birmingham for the match and filed this report.

My word, there's a lot going on. Phil Ball remains in Spain. He's got what you'd expect in terms of Madrid and Barca, but he's also got a little Betis on his mind. Raphael Honigstein is in Germany where the race for fourth is extreme, yah. Meanwhile, Paolo Bandini reports on the fireworks and fury in Italy.

And if you're fat, you can buy a special seat at the World Cup. Just so you know.

Don't worry. They have a special seat waiting for you in Brazil.

We'll terminate today's edition with The Podcast. It's this: And here we are again. Playing Chaz to Philippe Auclair's Dave is Amy Lawrence, who joins Barry Glendenning in the pod with James Richardson to dissect the north London derby, which was a rum defeat for sorry Arsenal and another triumph for Tottenham and Gareth Bale. After getting up to speed with the rest of the action in the Premier League - including QPR's win at Southampton and Liverpool's highly impressive demolition of Wigan - we then turn our attention to the Champions League. Will Barcelona overturn their 2-0 deficit against Milan? Will Manchester United be able to out-score Real Madrid? Sid Lowe gives us his thoughts, and an intimate glimpse into his innermost sanctum. Oo and, indeed, er. Finally, we preview some absolute humdingers in the Europa League, get updates on Serie A and Ligue 1, and discuss the merits or otherwise of employing a manager who needs an interpreter.

Onward!!

-SSN

Tottenham Defeat Arsenal, Real Madrid Beat Barcelona Again, MLS, Altidore Scores

We've got to begin in North London at White Hart Lane. Spurs capitalized on some dreadful defending by Arsenal to take the spoils in the North London Derby 2-1. Nothing really surprising here. Arsenal were woeful in front of each goal, in fact. It was actually a close match, mainly because neither side played particularly well. Henry Winter was there. John Bewin was there. Daniel Taylor was there. Here are the Player Ratings. 

Right. Elsewhere, Kagawa scored three as United cruised past Norwich, Suarez scored three as Liverpool cruised past Wigan, Everton won, Chelsea edged West Brom, West Ham won at Stoke, and Swansea beat Newcastle. Chris Kamara looks back at the weekend here, and here's a complete review of Saturday's matches. Here's your Team of the Week. Here are Ten Talking Points. Here are Five Thoughts. Enough, already.

Looks like Jozy Altidore doesn't plan on stopping his fine season anytime soon. Dude knocked in another in AZ Alkmaar's loss at RKC Waalwijk. That's 24 goals for the Yank. Clint Dempsey scored 23 last year. So, that means Jozy has scored the most goals by an American in a European club season. Propers.

In yet another clásico, Real Madrid beat Barcelona. There was a clear penalty right at the death but the ref didn't have the balls to call it. Sid Lowe breaks it down like this. And here's a wrap of all the La Liga acción.

Over in Italy, Napoli and Juve drew on Friday, both Milan teams won (Inter dealing with another Cassano tantrum), and Totti made history with Roma. Rock it here.

Monday Night Football! Aston Villa vs. Manchester City.

We'll finish in the United States of America. MLS kicked off this weekend but we can't find any decent summation of the action yesterday and Saturday. We know Portland and NY drew. We know the Galaxy crushed the Fire. Done.

Onward!!

-SSN

North London Derby, MLS Returns, Altidore Heroics, Giggs Gives Us Another Year

Well, February is gone. We hardly knew you. And that means Major League Soccer is back, bitches! We got a lot of stories to check out prior to kick-off. Freddie Adu in Philly? Landon Donovan in Cambodia? Carlos Ruiz in D.C.? No Montero in Seattle? Ryan Nelson in Toronto? Yes, these are but a few of the stories that deserve some attention. Commish Don Garber claims MLS is the Seventh Best-Supported League...in the entire World. That's some heavy shit, Don. Click on that link and you'll see some previews for each conference. And here are some power rankings.

Wait! It's Friday? And MLS is back? FRIDAY MLS FORECAST!!

Forecast!

There's a rather large match looming on the horizon over in London. North London, to be precise. Yes, it's only 4.1 miles (that's 6.1302654501 kilometres) from the Emirates to White Hart Lane, and that proximity breeds some contempt, you could say. Tottenham host Arsenal in a very critical North London Derby at 11am EST on Fox Soccer Channel. Here, former players such as Ian Wright, Gary Mabbutt, Alan Smith, and Martin Chivers share some memories. Speaking of Alan Smith, he's got a nice piece on how the teams compare ahead of the big match. 

And here's all you need for the weekend (and beyond) in the EPL:

Preview

Lawro's and Piers Morgan's (wanker) Predictions

Paul Merson's Predictions

Ten Things To Look Out For

Michael Cox has 11 Points with 11 Rounds to Go

Let's check in with some other top leagues. Spain. Oh, how about that? Real Madrid and Barcelona play yet again! Shocking. It's tomorrow at 10am EST on beIN Sport USA.

Italy. There are some good ones. Juventus at Napoli (this afternoon at 2:45pm EST on beIN Sport USA) and AC Milan vs. Lazio, for example. 

Ryan Giggs is 39 years old. He just signed a one-year deal. Very, very impressive. Hats off. He is indeed older, greyer, but ever excellent.

Emirates to White Hart Lane

Hats off as well to Jozy Altidore. The young American continues to kick-ass in Holland. He scored twice in Alkmaar's 3-0 win over Ajax. With said goals he has tied Clint Dempsey's record for goals scored by an American in a foreign league. One of his goals was pretty tite. Check it.

We'll finish with Karim Benzema. He was caught driving his car at 134 miles per hour. That's fast.

Right. Enjoy that weekend.

Onward!!

-SSN