Alves Eats The Banana, Chelsea Beat Liverpool, Monday Night Football, Van Gaal In At United?

If you're wise, you'll stay away...

Oh, dear. We're going to have to be brief today as we slowly get back up to speed from whatever bug shut down SSN Headquarters on Friday. It wasn't Norovirus but the way it hit all of us we may as well have been on some sort of disgusting Carnival Cruise Line Cruise of Death. Engine dead, just floating helplessly in the sea, completely crippled with the toilets backing up on a big-ass boat shared with 3,231 other filthy humans. And Supertramp's Breakfast in America on repeat...

Those who know us know we're not big fans of Dani Alves. He can be, well, a bit rough at times. Over the weekend, though, his stock at SSN Headquarters rose considerably when he picked up the banana thrown his way and ate it. Take that, racist bitches!

Was it a Masterclass from The Special One? Of just an unwatchable slew of time-wasting techniques and child-like behavior? You'll have to make that decision on your own. Here are a few opinions:

Liverpool's Brendan Rodgers hits out at Chelsea for 'parking two buses'
Michael Cox: Rodgers learns a lesson
Chris Bevan: Jose Mourinho's tactical masterclass
Richard Jolly: Three Things: Liverpool vs. Chelsea
Barney Ronay: Not anti-football from Mourinho, but simply football

In terms of the other shit that went down in the Premier League, this should cover it. So who is going to win this thing, anyway? And who is going down?

Every picture tells a story, don't it?

We're going to try to get some rest so we can bounce back tomorrow with a mega-post that looks more closely at the weekend and also the Champions League matches to come. Arsenal host Newcastle this afternoon, and after Everton's unexpected own-goal fest yesterday, the Gunners have the opportunity to solidify their fourth-place spot. Also, there is talk that Van Gaal will soon make his way over to VanManchester to take over as United's new VanManager.

Apologies for the brevity and scattered nature...improvements to come tomorrow.

Onward!!

-SSN

Real Beat Bayern, San Lorenzo And The Pope, Crystal Palace, Chelsea To Field Weakened Team, Brazil Protests, Spain's Awful World Cup Anthem Video

Che! Padre! San Lorenzo!

Right! Not the greatest match yesterday but certainly a major improvement over Tuesday's drab draw between Chelsea and the other Madrid side. Real Madrid won at home by a goal to nil to set up what should be a juicy return leg in Munich next Tuesday. Here's your lot:

Real Madrid 1-0 Bayern Munich: Daniel Taylor at the Bernabéu
Adam Bate: Clash of styles felt like far more than just a contest between two teams
Sid Lowe: Ronaldo lays charge for explosion against Bayern
Graham Hunter: Pep's decision to move Lahm ruined Bayern's hopes
Jonathan Wilson: Real Madrid strikes, holds firm in win over Bayern
Michael Cox: Modric passes test after Bayern Munich lose their way
Miguel Delaney: Three things: Real Madrid vs. Bayern Munich
German Press: Bayern's 'predictable' tactics slammed

We all know that Pope Francis is from Argentina. Some of us know that he's a football fan. A couple of us know that he supports San Lorenzo. Jonathan Wilson takes a look at the Argentine champions chances in the Copa Libertadores.

Want to see something really, really bad? Here is Spain's World Cup Anthem Video. It's really, really bad. Cesar Azpilicueta can really rock that tambourine, though...

Crystal Palace. The South London club that was left for dead back in the fall whilst languishing at the bottom of the league has somehow been guided to safety. By Tony Pubis, of all people. After Brendan Rodgers, you'd have to rank him as Manager of the Year. Dominic Fifield has a piece on the Palace revival.

There are matches today. The Europa League. Semifinals. Juventus. Benfica. Sevilla. Valencia. Preview.

The loan system. It's a mess, right? Chelsea have 26 players out on loan. Lukaku has enjoyed a fine season at Everton. Victor Moses looks set to win a Champions medal. And yet Jose claims he doesn't have any good strikers. And he'll field a weakened team this weekend against Liverpool, by the way.

There were more protests in Brazil on Tuesday. One person died during violent protests in Rio near Copacabana beach. A dancer allegedly killed by police sparked the protests. Ugly, ugly, ugly. FIFA should get Brazil to crack down on this sort of thing. Oh. Wait.

Onward!!

-SSN

More Moyes And Man U., Atlético Madrid & Chelsea Finish Scoreless, Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid

A spot of fun in Madrid for the traveling supporters...

Welcome to another Hump Day, folks. The big item on the agenda is the second Champions League semi-final first-leg featuring the defending champions Bayern Munich and Los Blancos de Madrid. But first, we should examine yesterday's match. You want a quick summary? Chelsea parked the bus and nobody scored. You want more? Here:

Atlético Madrid 1-1 Chelsea: Daniel Taylor at the Vicente Calderón

Sid Lowe: Mourinho draws Simeone's Atlético into war of attrition

Miguel Delaney: Who benefits more from the 0-0, Chelsea or Atletico?

Ben Lyttleton: Chelsea grinds out 0-0 draw at Atletico

Barney Ronay: Costa and Torres fire only blanks

John Brewin: Three Things: Atletico Madrid vs. Chelsea

Oh, gosh. Everyone is still going nuts over the Moyes sacking. Marina Hyde claims that the sorry saga of David Moyes won't shake Sir Alex Ferguson's self-belief. Barney Ronay reckons the appointment of Moyes was a big mistake. Simon Kuper says Manchester United’s biggest problem is not selecting next manager. Russell Brand (!?) is also talking about it in his typically humorous manner. How's this for a sentence: Sir Alex Ferguson's selection of the "chosen one" now looks less like John the Baptist heralding Christ and more like what I would do if invited to select my ex's next partner; the mendacious dispatch of a castrated chump to grimly jiggle with futile pumps upon Man United's bone-dry, trophy-bare mound. ?

So, today we move across the city from the Vicente Calderón to the Santiago Bernabéu to enjoy Real Madrid vs. Bayern Munich. Sadly, Gareth Bale probably won't play. He has the flu. And we'll have to wait and see about Ronny. Check it:

Preview

Preview II

Preview III

Seated firmly in the WTF?! category is the fact that FIFA have decided to allow Barcelona to transfer players this summer. Yes, the ban is suspended pending appeal. What a joke.

"Yes, José, I'm injured. No, José, you can't have my woobie...

Leicester City and Burnley have been promoted to the Premier League. Here's the question: Can they stay there? Richard Jolly examines the two new boys.

Scott Murray: Real Madrid vs. Bayern: The night Juanito kicked Matthäus in the face. Read it. Enjoy it.

More Major League Soccer? Why not?

Sticking with the States, Jermaine Jones is getting ready for the World Cup the best way he knows how...with ink, bitches!

Sticking with the World Cup, some guy named Karl Matchett has 50 reasons why it'll be the best ever. Sorry, Karl, but it ain't gonna happen.

And finally...Vincent Kompany has opened a couple of bars in Belgium. They're called, "Good Kompany." The servers wear badges that say, "I Heart Foul Play." Good Grief.

Onward!!

-SSN

Moyes Fired, Atlético Madrid vs. Chelsea, Scribes, Burnley Promoted, City Defeat West Brom, European Relegation Battles

Uhhhh...no.

Good Day! Loads to get through, beginning with the expected news that Manchester United have decided to part ways with Moe Szyslak. Here's all the fallout:

David Moyes sacked by Man Utd and replaced by Ryan Giggs

Daniel Taylor: Ferguson's chosen one has missed every realistic target

Jonathan Wilson: Moyes unable to adapt quick enough

Phil McNulty: Ferguson 'must take share of blame' at Man Utd

Louise Taylor: Five contenders to replace David Moyes

David Bond: Glazer family must also be held accountable

John Brewin: Results, delusions, atmosphere made Moyes' firing inevitable

Adam Bate: Ten reasons why Moyes had to go

Burnley will be back amongst the big boys next season. They joined Leicester City yesterday as the second Championship side to earn automatic promotion to the Premier League. How did they do it? Strong work ethic. 4-4-2 design. Ginger Mourinho.

In yesterday's match, Manchester City made easy work of West Brom and cruised to a 3-1 win. They're back within six points of Liverpool and still have a game in hand.

The Champions! It all goes down this afternoon in Madrid at The Vicente Calderón. Fernando Torres has returned (to a warm reception, we're told) to the ground where he made his reputation as one of the greatest strikers in the world. It's the Champions League semi-final first leg between Atlético Madrid and Chelsea and it's on Fox Sports I at 2:45pm EDT. The Blues are coming off their shocking loss at home to Sunderland. How shall they respond? Here's all you need to know:

Preview

Preview II

Preview III

Barney Ronay: Mourinho aims to end run of semi-final exits at Atlético Madrid

Sid Lowe: Atlético Madrid's Tiago Mendes intent on ignoring his old Chelsea manager

Why Chelsea should fear Atlético Madrid

Uhhhh...no.

Tuesday means it's time to go in deep with some analyses of what went down over the weekend. Like Wide World of Sports, we'll span the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport... the thrill of victory... and the agony of defeat... the human drama of athletic competition...

Where? Spain. Who? Sid Lowe. What? Paulão's sorrow sums up a season of surrender for Real Betis

Where? Brazil. Who? Tim Vickery. What? Brazil stars' club troubles no concern for Scolari

Where? Germany. Who? Uli Hesse. What? Relegation battle can provide the cruellest of twists.

Where? Italy. Who? Paolo Bandini. What? Torino's Ciro Immobile quick to make impression as Italy prepare for Brazil

Where? Germany. Who? Raphael Honigstein. What? Hamburg look to higher powers while Stuttgart take huge leap to safety

Tuesday also means Monday Musings from Gab. This week it's Sore Mourinho, Messi's future, Moyes' delusions, more.

We also need to check in with Major League Soccer. A quick look at some of Jeff Carlisle's Power Rankings coupled with an MLS Best XI should do the trick.

Wow! We've got to end there, folks. Keep it tite.

Onward!!

-SSN

Chelsea Lose To Sunderland, Everton Dominate Manchester United, Moyes Set For The Sack?, Messi Saves Barcelona, Roma Win At Fiorentina, Monday Night Football, Berbatov Goal

Frightening...ly poor.

A glorious spring Monday here at SSN Headquarters where the sun is shining, the birds chirping, and the temperature ideal. Not so ideal for David Moyes, with reports of his demise making the rounds after another completely inept performance, this time at Everton. Yes, it would appear that he is going to get the sack before he can even make it through a season. Oh, dear. How did it all go so wrong? Meanwhile, it's all going right for United's rivals Liverpool. Phil McNulty says Liverpool will never forgive themselves if they fail to win title. Sunderland did Liverpool a big favor by winning at Stamford Bridge. Predictably, The Special One was having none of it. Asshat.

Weekend Premier League Action Links:

10 Talking Points

Talking Points

Best of the Weekend

Five Thoughts

Quick Six

Chelsea 1-2 Sunderland: Jacob Steinburg at Stamford Bridge

Everton 2-0 Manchester United: Jamie Jackson at Goodison Park

Richard Jolly: Three Things: Everton vs. Manchester United

Norwich City 2-3 Liverpool: Sachin Nakrani at Carrow Road

Michael Cox: Rodgers keeps opponents guessing

Team of the Weekend

Garth Crooks's Team of the Week

In Spain, Barcelona looked set for more disappointment, but Messi saved the day. Meanwhile, Atlético won and are three wins from the title. Round 'em up!

In Serie A, Juventus and Roma won, and Napoli was held by Udinese. Elsewhere, Inter saw off Parma and AC Milan beat Livorno. Here's more.

What else of note happened across Europe? Let's take a look.

We learned a lot of things in Major League Soccer this weekend. Here are Five of said things. And here's a Team of the Week.

I'm still here.

There is a match of import this evening. Manchester City will attempt to keep the title race close as they host West Brom. West Brom will attempt to remain clear of the drop zone. Check a preview, why don't ya?

USA! USA! USA! Hotlist! Hotlist! Hotlist! Who's hot (Bedoya)? Who's not (DaMarcus Beasley).

Let's conclude with everyone's favorite smoking Bulgarian...Dimitar Berbatov! He's in France now, but still up to his old tricks. This...is...classic:

Onward!!

-SSN

Spain Nuts For Bale, Football Pantomime Villains, AS Roma Spotlight, Moyes Back To Everton

And there goes another week. In Spain, they're still going ape-shit (pun intended) over Gareth Bale's amazing goal on Wednesday. Sid Lowe reports. In weekend matches of note, Everton host Manchester United, Chelsea welcome Sunderland, Parma host Inter, Liverpool go to Norwich, Barcelona host Bilbao, and Roma go to Fiorentina. We'll begin in the Premier League:

Premier League Preview

Spotlight

10 Things To Look Out For

Team News

Paul Merson's Predictions

The Joy of Six this week is Football Pantomime Villains. How do you pick just six? This list does not contain Robbie Savage, Craig Bellamy, Robbie Fowler, Kevin Davies, Emmanuel Adebayor, Teddy Sheringham, Luis Suarez, El-Hadji Diouf, Neil Ruddock, Javier Mascherano, Gary Neville, Tim Cahill, John Terry, Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer, Alan Smith, Dennis Wise, Duncan Ferguson, could go on and on. And that's just the Premier League. Suppose you've got to begin somewhere, though.

Greek Ring of Fire? Why not. It gets going around 2:26. Pretty impressive.

In Spain, all eyes will be on Barcelona as they attempt to stop the rot. It won't be easy. They have to go up to Athletic Bilbao. Here's a weekend La Liga preview.

Rudi! Rudi! Rudi! Rudi Garcia has done the job at Roma this campaign. James Horncastle takes a look at the Roma gaffer and the successful season enjoyed by i Giallorossi. Va bene. And here's a weekend preview for Serie A.

Can't really find any decent MLS weekend previews, sadly. This'll take you to a page with specific match reviews.

Tony Pubis. We've never liked him. He does deserve credit, though, for steering Palace to safety. The Eagles fans on the SSN Staff have no complaints. Jim White looks at how Palace could have a say in the Premier League title with final matches against Liverpool & Manchester City.

Speaking of the Premier League, it's been a mad, mad season. Here are 10 reasons why this campaign has been the most bizarre of them all.

Enjoy your weekend!

Onward!

-SSN

All Hail Bale As His Stunning Goal Wins Cup For Real = More Barca Misery, Palace Win At Everton, Sunderland Draw At City, Atlanta Will Be #22 In MLS

Surplus to requirements...

Quite the load of footie yesterday, right? The Copa del Rey final was great and was settled by a crazy Bale sprint-fest, Tony Pubis and his Crystal Palace side went up to Fortress Goodison and will return to South London with all three points, and title-chasers Manchester City could only draw at home (thanks to a late Nasri goal that should have been saved by Vito) against bottom-of-the-table Sunderland. Let's get to it, beginning in Valencia:

Barcelona 1-2 Real Madrid: Sid Lowe at the Mestalla

Graham Hunter: Bale proves which Spanish club got the better mega-deal

Jim White: Bale steps out of Ronaldo's shadow

Miguel Delaney: Three Things: Barcelona vs. Real Madrid

Avi Creditor: Bale worth every penny

Nicholas Rigg: Bale crowned "Prince of Wales" with stunning Copa winner

65 yards, 7.2 seconds... one stunning strike
Video Of The Goal

And in England:

Everton 2-3 Crystal Palace: Report

Joe Prince-Wright: Toffees’ top four hopes take huge hit

Manchester City 2-2 Sunderland: Jamie Jackson at the Etihad Stadium

Richard Jolly: Three Things: Manchester City vs. Sunderland

Jan Molby: Man City result proves this is the best league in the world

Current Premier League Table

Bale jumps for joy...

So Messi is out of form. He's on poor form. Jonathan Wilson reports that they are none too pleased about that down in Argentina.

Atlanta is now officially set to become Major League Soccer's 22nd club. So...OK?

Drogba. Underwear. Charity. Fine.

World Cup Watch! Edinson Cavani (poor form), Cristiano Ronaldo (hurt), Sami Khedira (back for Germany?)

Nice bus...

This has never happened before: NBC networks to broadcast all 10 EPL season finales simultaneously.

Onward!!

-SSN

Copa Del Rey Finale, Arsenal Beat West Ham, Everton vs. Palace, City vs. Sunderland, Football Album Covers, Fair Play

Hello. So, all the SSN staffers got together last night and watched Hillsborough. Brutal. Grant Wahl has a Q & A with director Daniel Gordon.

Also yesterday, Arsenal moved back up to fourth with a 3-1 win over West Ham. And Matt Jarvis didn't dive. Here are some articles:

Arsenal 3-1 West Ham: David Hytner at the Emirates Stadium

Amy Lawrence: Weary warriors finally find a way

Miguel Delaney: Three Things: Arsenal vs. West Ham

Wenger grateful Jarvis didn't go down

Today, Everton can move back into fourth as they welcome Crystal Palace to Goodison Park, and Manchester City host Sunderland.

It's Spain, it's yet another Clásico. This one is for the King's Cup. It should be interesting for a few new reasons. Primarily, Ronaldo is hurt and won't play, and Barcelona have sucked of late. Here's what you need to know. If you can get to a TV in the U.S., you can check it out on ESPN at 3:30pm EDT. Preview? OK. More? Sure. Sid Lowe? But, of course.

UEFA and Fair Play. What the hell is it? What does it mean? There are so many unknowns. Thankfully, Gab Marcotti has some answers.

Beautiful Game + Beautiful Album Covers = Bliss

Jeff Carlisle is a U.S. soccer expert. Here, he takes a look at life on the bubble for Yanks hoping to get a spot on the plane to Brazil.

Done.

Onward.

-SSN

Hillsborough, Arsenal vs. West Ham, New York City FC To Play At Yankee Stadium, Pirlo Autobiography, Bergkamp Wonder Goal, Wanda Derby

And...now she has a Derby named after her...

Hello friends! Tuesday has come and with it a closer look at the weekend activities. Also, there is a match in the Premier League between London rivals Arsenal and West Ham. And Big Sam. Here's a preview for that one.

Podcast!! It's an all-star line-up on today's Football Weekly, with AC Jimbo joined by Barry Glendenning, Amy Lawrence, Barney Ronay and just a little bit of Gregg Bakowski to look back on the highs and lows of the weekend in the Premier League and the FA Cup. The high of course was Liverpool's 3-2 win over Manchester City. Can the Reds' momentum take them all the way to the title?. Not quite as entertaining was Arsenal's plodding penalty shoot-out victory over Wigan. Still, a final's a final, as they don't say, especially in France, but the Gunners will be heading back to Wembley for real next month when they face Hull in the FA Cup final. Have some of that, purists. Finally in today's show, we hear from Sid Lowe about Barcelona's latest defeat, before discussing the saucy love triangle in Serie A.

Interesting. NYCFC will join MLS in '15. And they'll play at Yankee Stadium, at least for a little while.

He wrote a book.

Everyone's favorite slow, old, hairy, Italian midfield genius Andrea Pirlo has an autobiography out. Michael Cox has read it and has a favorable review. He gives it Four Balls. Check this out: Pirlo's penchant for slightly risqué humour is obvious throughout. He drops the F-bomb no fewer than 18 times and throws in the phrase "Monica Lewinsky under Bill Clinton's desk" where you least expect it. "Swearing's my release," he says. "It's the one weapon I have to defend myself against destiny when it elects to strike without pity." Makes us want to read it!

Raheem Sterling. Is he a rare breed? Barney Ronay thinks it's possible.

Time to Scribe!

Where? Spain. Who? Sid Lowe. What? Luckless, mismanaged and doomed: Real Betis need more than a miracle

Where? Brazil. Who? Tim Vickery. What? Messi's Argentina better for Carlos Tevez absence

Where? Germany. Who? Uli Hesse. What? Paderborn to be wild

Where? Italy. Who? Paolo Bandini. What? López loses again in Sampdoria's 'Wanda Derby'

Where? Germany. Who? Raphael Honigstein. What? Concern for Bayern's Red Machine

Right. It's Tuesday. Time for Gab to gab and muse. This week it is Gerrard's emotion, an Anfield epic, Martino's mess, more. Good.

Okeee Doughkee. We've got another installment of the Guardian's series: World Cup: 25 stunning moments. We are up to No. 10. And it is Dennis Bergkamp's wonder goal. The Editor remembers this fondly. He watched this match in Chicago on a static-filled screen thanks to rabbit ears and Univision. Suffice to say, the call of GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL is still ringing in his ears.

We need to look back at the weekend in Major League Soccer. We shall do so here. And here.

There is no other way to conclude today other than remembering the tragedy of 25 years ago. Jonathan Wilson and The BBC have it covered.

Onward.

-SSN

Liverpool Beat City, Barcelona Lose Again, Diego Costa Mooned And Misses, Arsenal Win On Penalties, USA Hotlist, Hillsborough

Whew! Another weekend of insanely entertaining action. Yesterday's mega-clash between Liverpool and Manchester City lived up to the hype with Liverpool eventually winning 3-2 and reducing Steven Gerrard to tears of joy. Elsewhere, Spurs enjoyed another comeback to snatch a draw, the Barcelona crisis deepened, Hull City will face Arsenal in the FA Cup final, John Terry asked for a red card for his opponent and got it as Chelsea won at Swansea, Clint Dempsey continues to hit the back of the net for Seattle, Bayern Munich lost again, Atlético Madrid won as Diego Costa scored, got mooned, missed a penalty, and cut his leg (looks like he'll be OK), and Fiorentina, Inter Milan, AC Milan, Roma, and Napoli all won in Italy. Let's roll with the action in England and Wales:

10 Talking Points From The Weekend

Weekend Talking Points

Five Thoughts

Andy Hunter: Five Talking Points From Anfield

Richard Jolly: Three Things: Liverpool vs. Manchester City

Barney Ronay: Liverpool thrill on sombre weekend

Michael Cox: Sterling sparkles in midfield diamond.

West Brom 3-3 Tottenham: Peter Lansley at The Hawthorns

Swansea City 0-1 Chelsea: Stuart James at the Liberty Stadium

Miguel Delaney: Three Things: Swansea vs. Chelsea

Phil McNulty: Arsenal celebrations at beating Wigan a sign of the times

Amy Lawrence: A day in the strife of Arsenal manager's torture chamber

Hull City 5-3 Sheffield United: Jacob Steinberg at Wembley

Team of the Weekend

Garth Crooks's Team of the Week

We told you it was a big weekend. The picture is now a bit clearer in terms of the relegation watch: Who's safe and who's not?

ESPN's 30 for 30 series has been intensely enjoyable and informative, and it looks like that trend is set to continue with tomorrow's premier of Hillsborough. As we noted last week, it's been 25 years since the disaster, and the search for justice continues.

The FA Cup used to be the biggest prize in English football. This is no longer the case, nor will it ever again. There are, however, ways in which it could be improved. Here are eight ways to reinvent the FA Cup.

So Barcelona lost at Grenada. According Francesc Tomas, they are a club teetering on the brink of chaos. Meanwhile, it's butt chaos as Diego Costa misses whilst being mooned:

In Italy, it was Goals! Red Cards! Goals! We cannot resist. Here's a complete European Review.

Team USA Hotlist! Hot = Clint Dempsey. Not = Omar Gonzalez.

Yaya Toure is a pretty damn fine footballer. Here, he talks about his career.

We're done talking.

Onward!!

-SSN

Champions League Draw Pits Chelsea vs. Atlético Madrid & Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid, Manchester City vs. Liverpool, The Joy of Six, Hillsborough

And there goes another week in the books...

The Champions League Semis were set this morning over in France, and the Spanish teams were kept apart. Bayern and Real will go at it and Chelsea and Atlético will clash. Juicy stuff. Sid Lowe still can't stop talking about Atlético Madrid. And why should he? They're having the time of their lives, don't you know? Meanwhile, we're not the only ones thinking about who will make the final. Michael Cox is also wondering who will emerge from two titanic battles. Gab Marcotti suggests we all just strap in and enjoy the ride. Sounds wise.

Per usual, we'll begin with a look at the weekend in England and Wales:

Premier League Preview

FA Cup Semi-Final Preview: Wigan vs. Arsenal

FA Cup Semi-Final Preview: Hull City vs. Sheffield United

Team News

10 Things To Watch This Weekend

Iain Macintosh: Arsenal angst grows ahead of Wigan test

Liverpool v Manchester City: Five steps each that set up Sunday's game

Paul Merson's Predictions

Lawro's Predictions

There is league soccer in Spain this weekend, too. Here's your La Liga preview. Serie A? Look for these Five Things. And here's a more complete preview.

Gosh. The Joy of Six this week is Goalscoring Goalkeepers. How awesome is that?!

Europa League. Valencia (?!), Juventus, Sevilla, and Benfica make up your semi-final crew.

SSN Staffers don't really get too excited about summertime friendlies here in the United States. This, however, would be pretty fun.

Lucky for us, Barney Ronay has a wonderful imagination. Today, he's putting it to use by imagining a Premier League truly made in Britain. Hmmmm...

Read: "Over the next couple of months, SI.com is profiling two valuable, but perhaps undervalued, under-the-radar players on each of the U.S. men's national team's Group G opponents at this summer's World Cup. As a result, the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Mesut Ozil and Asamoah Gyan will make way for their lesser-heralded teammates in this space. The next in the Know Your Enemy series is versatile Ghana midfielder Kwadwo Asamoah."

We're going to end on a sad note today with a look back at Hillsborough. It was 25 years ago.

Onward!!

-SSN

Atlético Madrid Oust Barcelona, Bayern Munich Defeat Manchester United, Hilarious Soccer Dives, MLS In 2020, No Acrobatic Sex For Brazil Players, Gentleman Ultra's Alternative Serie A Guide To Genoa

Pre-gaming United fans in Munich...

Good Day, friends! Barcelona are out of the Champions League thanks to yet another impressive performance from Madrid's "second" side. Manchester United are also out of the Champions League thanks to yet another normal performance by the reigning champs. Let's get down to business:

Jonathan Wilson: Stifle and Survive

Atlético Madrid 1-0 Barcelona (agg. 2-1): Report

Sid Lowe: Atlético Madrid get lift from Koke and push past Barcelona into the semis

Graham Hunter: Atlético exultant as Barca compromise their style

Miguel Delaney: Three things: Atlético Madrid vs. Barcelona

Bayern Munich 3-1 Manchester United (agg. 4-2): Report

Jamie Jackson: Rooney's all-action role fails to reward Moyes

Mark Lomas: Three Things: Bayern Munich vs. Manchester United

Michael Cox: Munich tactics clever but, boy, Pep Guardiola likes to show it

Team of the Week

The draw for the semis is tomorrow. A quick straw poll around SSN Headquarters reveals that we all want Real Madrid vs. Chelsea and Bayern Munich vs. Atlético Madrid. Jonathan Wilson tells us how the last four compare.

Ohhhh, Barcelona. You've given us such great football and so much more. Your tiki-taka, your elegant style, your panache, your whining from Dani Alves, your hair-farm from Carlos Puyol, your wife of Gerard Piqué, your boot studs from Javier Mascherano. Is this the end of it all? Is the era over?

Someone took the time to gather some gifs of dives. They're quite lovely. Enjoy.

Major League Soccer continues to expand. Atlanta looks set to get a team. Minneapolis might be in line for something. Brian Strauss gives us an update on potential changes to the U.S.'s top league.

Contrasting emotions at the Vicente Calderón...

Brazil gaffer Luiz Felipe Scolari said this: ‘Usually normal sex is done in a balanced way but some like to perform acrobatics. We will put limits and survey the players.’ We'd like to see the results of said survey...

The Gentleman Ultra is back with his Serie A Alternative Club Guide, and this time he's tackling Genoa. We can't wait to dig in.

There are matches of note (minor) today. Yes, everyone's favorite secondary European competition continues with Juventus, Benfica, FC Porto and FC Basel hoping to make the semis. Take a gander if you care.

With that, we'll see you on Friday.

Onward!!

-SSN

Chelsea & Real Madrid Advance, Bayern Munich vs. Manchester United & Atlético Madrid vs. Barcelona Are Today, Barney Ronay On United, Martin Samuel On Loans

Oops.

Right! It's Hump Day already. Chelsea were indeed able to overturn the deficit thanks to a late goal from Dembe Ba (yes, The Special One did his touchline run), and they've advanced to the semis of the Champions League. We said yesterday that there was no way Borussia Dortmund would be able to do the same against Real Madrid, but it almost happened. They won 2-0 thanks to a brace from Marco Reus, and came close to the all important third goal, but just couldn't do it. Here's your lot from yesterday's action in London.

Chelsea 2-0 PSG (3-3, Chelsea win on away goals): Daniel Taylor at Stamford Bridge

Miguel Delaney: Mourinho outwits Blanc in the end

Phil McNulty: Mourinho rolls back the years with touchline run

Nicholas Rigg: More questions than answers after Madrid's slender progression

Michael Cox: Simple football too much for PSG

Jim White: Masterful Mourinho proved he’s still the best in the business

Jonathan Johnson: Naive PSG made to pay ultimate price by Chelsea

Barney Ronay: Mourinho steals punchline from Tony Pulis to deliver Chelsea win

Jonathan Wilson: Mourinho does it again

Don't rest yet, friends. We've got two more lovelies on the ticket for this afternoon. Madrid and Barcelona clash at the Vicente Calderón Stadium, with the home side slightly ahead after last week's 1-1 draw at Camp Nou. Guillem Balague argues that the Madrid side are indeed the favorites, and, of course, Sid Lowe is on the case, don't you know? Preview? Done. Matchpack? Yes.

Over in Munich at the Allianz, Manchester United meet the defending champs in their second leg. The result at Old Trafford was also 1-1. Here's a preview. Here's another. Word on the street is that Shrek will play. We shall see. On the other side of the aisle, Raphael Honigstein argues that even though Bayern have already won the Bundesliga, this is a massive match for Pep.

Tim Vickery has a piece on Ecuador and Antonio Valencia. They'll be in Brazil this summer. Did you know that the Wright Brothers introduced soccer to Ecuador? Not Orville and Wilbur, though...

Martin Samuel wants a word. He'd like to discuss the current loan system in the Premier League. By all means, Martin.

And finally: Manchester United: how did they get into this mess? Leave it to Barney Ronay to make it clear as day.

Onward!!

-SSN

Top Five Divisions In England Without A Black Coach, Chelsea vs. PSG, Spurs Beat Sunderland, Scribes, Goals Of The Week

Sherwood Salutes

Ahoy! A lovely Tuesday to you and yours. As with most Tuesday's we've got loads to get through. We'll begin with action on the pitch. Tottenham struggled a bit early but eventually hit their stride and dispatched of Sunderland by a score of 5-1. Christian Eriksen, in particular, was fantastic for the hosts. Here's the current Premier League Table. Sunderland look to be going down...

In Italy, Juventus are now eight points clear after yesterday's win over Liverno, and Honda got revved up for Milan with a goal in their win at Genoa.

Sticking with action on the pitch, the biggie today is Chelsea vs. PSG. The Parisians lead the tie 3-1 so The Blues will have to go for at The Bridge. Check it at 2:45pm EDT on Fox Sports 1. Sadly, The Zlatan is injured so audiences won't be graced by his presence. Here are some previews to get you excited:

Chelsea vs. Paris Saint-Germain: Date, Time, Live Stream, TV Info and Preview

Chelsea vs. Paris Saint-Germain: Preview

Michael Cox: Cavani's chance to be the main man

Dominic Fifield: PSG's Brazilians can halt Chelsea

The other Champions League match today is Borussia Dortmund vs. Real Madrid. The Germans have to overturn a 0 - 3 deficit. That won't happen. No previews for you.

We noted yesterday that Norwich sacked Chris Hughton. Now that he's gone, it means there are no black coaches in the top five divisions of English football. Don't worry: we did the math. That's 116 clubs. Not much you can say about that.

Off you go, Jacko.

There were some great goals this past week! Among them, a lovely free-kick from Down Under by Alex Del Piero. Yes, folks, he's still got it.

Back Stateside, let's take a look back at the weekend in Major League Soccer. Jason Davis says Cascadia chaos, understudies step up, pivotal red cards. Good. You want Power Rankings? Jeff Carlisle's got 'em. Good. More MLS? Liviu Bird can help. Good.

So Barcelona broke the rules when they signed some kid. FIFA got angry. FIFA said Barcelona can't transfer any players for two windows. Guillem Balague takes a closer look.

Meanwhile, Marcotti continues to muse. This week, it's Martinez impresses, Bayern's priorities and Bale's brilliance. OK.

We're up to Number Nine of the Guardian's series of World Cup: 25 stunning moments. Scott Murray reminds us about Diego Maradona's Hand of God.



Good Grief. Scribes, people. Scribes!

Where? Spain. Who? Sid Lowe. What? Valencia drift towards mediocrity

Where? Brazil. Who? Tim Vickery. What? Stars and teams emerging as Copa Libertadores group stage closes

Where? Germany. Who? Uli Hesse. What? End for 'gentle giant' Hyypia

Where? Italy. Who? Paolo Bandini. What? Destro has slim chance of Italy place

Where? Germany. Who? Raphael Honigstein. What? Problems at Hannover 96 give hope to Braunschweig

The BBC has this thing going: The World Cup is only 66 days away, with the opening match between host nation Brazil and Croatia taking place in Sao Paulo on 12 June. BBC Sport, with the help of European football expert Andy Brassell, is taking a weekly look at happenings from across the world of football and what impact they could have on the tournament in the summer.

And finally...what becomes of that absurd Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage? It's going to a museum.

Onward!!

-SSN

Leicester City Promoted, Hot Weekend Premier League Action, Dempsey Hat-Trick, Monday Night Football, Norwich Sack Hughton Top Three Win In Spain

Hey! We're back. SSN Headquarters closed for a few days so we could take a much-needed company retreat. The staff headed to Florida where we had some very productive meetings, breakout sessions, group meals, and no small amount of excellent PowerPoint presentations.

SSN's La Liga Expert takes a stroll between team building exercises...

Of course, we kept our eye on the proceedings of The Beautiful Game and are eager to get back on the horse. Where else to start but with the Premier League where the title race, the race for Europe, and the race to avoid the drop are hotting up, as they say. Let us begin:

Premier League Weekend Wrap & Highlights

Quick Six

10 Talking Points

Five Thoughts

Manchester City 4 - 1 Southampton: Amy Lawrence at the Etihad Stadium

Chelsea 3 - 0 Stoke City: Sachin Nakrani at Stamford Bridge

John Brewin: Three Things: West Ham vs. Liverpool

Rodgers faces up to the brawl and Liverpool win with penalty prize

Everton 3 - 0 Arsenal: Jamie Jackson at Goodison Park

Richard Jolly: Three Things: Everton vs. Arsenal

Michael Cox: Arsenal baffled by grand tactical surprise from Martínez

Matt Stanger: Change is needed at the Emirates? Why won't Wenger opposition strengths?

Newcastle 0 - 4 Manchester United: Louise Taylor at St James' Park

Team of the Weekend

Garth Crooks's Team of the Weekend

Miguel Delany is taking a look at the tight relegation picture in the Premier League. Just who is safe? Just who is not?

What's the opposite of relegation? Why promotion, of course. Leicester City have dominated the Championship all season and have already confirmed they will re-join the Big Boys for 2014-2015. Here are ten factors behind the Foxes' success story.

Poor Chris Hugton. As you no doubt read above, he finally got the sack after Norwich lost at home to West Brom. You had to say it was coming, really.

As we noted, the Big Three in La Liga all won at the weekend. Gareth Bale had a beauty as Real Madrid won at Real Sociedad, Messi grabbed another two for Barca, and Rudi Garcia scored the important one for Atlético Madrid to stay top. This little piece will get you all up to speed prior to tomorrow's insight from The Scribes.

Mario keeps in on the DL in Milan...

There is some decent Monday Night Football to enjoy today. Struggling Sunderland travel to White Hart Lane to face Spurs. Here's your preview. In Italy, both Juventus and and Milan are in action this afternoon/evening. Here's a wrap of what already went down in Serie A, where Hellas won the Verona derby, and Bologna held Inter Milan to a 2-2 draw in one of the best games of the Serie A season. Elsewhere, Lazio defeated Sampdoria before Atalanta fell to bottom side Sassuolo, while both Roma, Fiorentina and Parma won easily.

We mentioned in the subject line that Deuce got three in his MLS match. It was the 85th meeting between the Sounders and the Timbers and it ended 4-4. That's a wrap.

Holy Christ! Bayern Munich lost again. Oh, wait. Philipp Lahm, Franck Ribery and Arjen Robben were not even in the squad? Ylli Sallahi, Mitchell Weiser and Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg started? OK, we understand now.

It's good to be back!

Onward!!

-SSN