Midweek Fallout, Gattuso Says No Place For Women In Football, Platini Wants Sin-Bin, Suarez Masterclass

What now?

We said yesterday that the most attractive Wednesday EPL fixture on paper was Manchester United vs. Everton. Moe Syzlak facing his old club for the first time. And so it proved. When managing Everton, Moe David Moyes never won at Old Trafford. Never. That was over the course of 46 league games and 11 years. New manager Roberto Martínez did it the first time he tried. Ouch. While it was a great night for the traveling supporters, there is growing unrest at United. Here's your fallout:

Phil McNulty at Old Trafford

Daniel Taylor at Old Trafford

Everton Party Like It's 1992

Five Things to do to Get David Moyes' Reign Back On Track

Elsewhere, the top five clubs all won their fixtures. That's currently Arsenal (Bendtner scored!), Chelsea (Jozy scored!), Manchester City, Liverpool (Suarez scored four times, including a super-goal!)...and...see above...Everton. Here's your lot on that front:

Premier League Roundup

10 Talking Points

Team of the Week

Three Things: Sunderland vs. Chelsea

Top 5 Goals

Amy Lawrence at the Emirates Stadium

Andy Hunter at Anfield

Are you a woman? Do you like football? Sorry, there is no place for you, according to former Italian international Gennaro Gattuso. He says there is no place for women in football. So. OK.

This is interesting. Apparently Tottenham are combatting a fan group trying to improve the atmosphere at White Hart Lane.

There is no place for women in football.

Would you like your football to be more like hockey? Go to the penalty box for a spell if you've been naughty? Former France and Juventus legend and current UEFA nutcase Michel Platini thinks a sin-bin would be a good idea. Oh, dear.

Act like you know. This shit's all real.

Onward!!

-SSN

Bad Juventus Children, Palace Win, Midweek Previews, World Cup, Ronaldo Museum

You lost.

And...a pleasant Humpday to all of you! Isn't it extra pleasant when there is a bevy of footie to enjoy? We'll get to that in a minute. Let's begin in Italy...

So this is pretty hilarious. Juventus fans were banned from gathering behind the goal where the ultras usually do their thing. Presumably they were calling the folks from Naples dirty and poor and all that good stuff. Anywho, the powers that be at The Old Lady decided it would be a good idea to let kids sit behind the goal instead. Not a good idea.

OK, back to the matter at hand. We've got a full slate (not quite -- Palace won their first home match since Pubis took over last night) of Premier League matches to enjoy. Too bad your editor will be on a plane while they are taking place. Not to worry, though. The SSN staff is well trained and will provide regular updates. The most attractive fixture on paper is Manchester United vs. Everton. Moe Syzlak faces his old club for the first time since stepping behind the big bar that is Old Trafford. Elsewhere, Chelsea travel to Sunderland, City go to West Brom, Arsenal host Hull, Spurs head down to Fulham, and Swansea welcome Newcastle. Here's your lot:

Preview I

Preview II

Paul Merson's Predictions

Lawro's Predictions

Michael Cox: Lack of Moyes' identity to be tested vs. Everton

Right. So, the World Cup draw is coming up on Friday. Everything will be set and ready to go. Hah! Here's what you need to know, according to the BBC. Grant Wahl is already down there awaiting Friday's action (ESPN2, 11:30 a.m. EST). If you're going and you want to follow the U.S., get ready to log some miles.

He scores when he wants! Which is once every few months, apparently...

The Big Interview. It's huge. Massive. It's Phil Neville! How exciting. United is hosting Everton so it's topical. We'll give it a go.

Cristiano Ronaldo is opening a museum. The Cristiano Ronaldo Museum. Good.

SSN Regulars will know that we're not terribly taken by the international game. Sure, the World Cup can provide some fun but it's just become so commercialized and corrupt and absurd thanks to the fine folks at SPECTRE FIFA. Daniel Harris thinks this World Cup will be different. Better. Stronger. Faster. Sensational? We'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

The hottest new boy band. Just wait till you see their synched dance moves.

We out. Keep it tite. Get to a TV if you can.

Onward!!

-SSN

Podcast, Euro League Review, Midweek Action, Scribes, John Terry's Dad

Oi! Bloody Hell. We've got loads to work through on this most glorious Tuesday. We'll kick things off with a look at all the best of the best of the European leagues. That means The Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, the Bundesliga, and League Uhhhhhhhhhhh. And there's a bit in here about Newcastle's fine form.

Let's maintain that momentum with Gab's Monday Musings. Today, (yesterday?), Gab gabbed about Barca's bad week, Bale, Prem spending outrage, Rooney's form, and...more.

Back to Bale for a second. We said yesterday he had a perfect hat-trick. Sid Lowe was at the Bern-a-bay-you and we do like our Sid. Read.

There is a London Derby today! Oh. It's Crystal Palace vs. West Ham. Hmmm. So, that means it's Tony Pubis' first home match in charge of Palace? Well, here's a preview regardless.

Let's talk Major League Soccer for a moment. The season is almost complete. Here are some 2013 awards, surprises, Turkeys, and more.

More fun with the English National Team!

Oozing class: John Terry's dad Ted heads to court

PODCAST!! Check it: On today's Football Weekly, the right and very reverend AC Jimbo is joined by his favourite choirboys Barry Glendenning, Gregg Bakowski and James Horncastle to look back on the winners and sinners over the weekend in the Premier League. We start with the action in the UK's 2017 city of culture, where Hull ran rampant against a sub-par Liverpool before moving on to Aaron Ramsey's spectacular return to Cardiff with table-topping Arsenal, and giving a fair bit of love to Everton who tore Stoke to shreds. Like the most thorough of proctologists, we also get up to speed with goings on at the bottom, where Martin Jol was finally given the heave-ho by Fulham, before hearing from Sid Lowe about Gareth Bale's stunning showing for Real Madrid.

Scribe Time!

Location: Italy

Headline: Milan cheered by Adriano Galliani's U-turn

Scribe: Paolo Bandini

Location: Germany

Headline: On the road

Scribe: Uli Hesse

Location: Spain

Headline: Barcelona's first league defeat raises deeper issues of football and philosophy

Scribe: Sid Lowe

Location: Germany

Headline: Would the Bundesliga really be better off without Bayern and Dortmund?

Scribe: Raphael Honigstein

Location: Brazil

Headline: How sauna-like heat could decide the World Cup

Scribe: Tim Vickery

Whew! That was a bit taxing. In a good way, of course. Let's see. Why do we hate John Terry so? Let's count the reasons. Today we'll go with his father. He has denied taking part in a racist street attack in London. Yes, Ted Terry allegedly clashed with Amarjit Talafair near Fenchurch Street station back in March. He is also said to have shouted racist abuse including the words 'f***ing Paki' and 'black c***'. Sweet!

Onward!!

-SSN

Post Holiday Gobble Post: Barca Crisis?!, Bale Hat-Trick, AVB Angry, Jol Out

Right! We hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and gave thanks and all that good stuff. Back to business. Firstly, as expected, poor Martin Jol got the sack yesterday. You know what that means.

"I don't mind 'City till we die'. They can die as soon as they want, as long as they leave the club for the majority who just want to watch good football."

Elsewhere in England, Hull City defeated Liverpool for the first time ever. Ever. Ever Ever? Ever Ever Ever? Yes. Chris Bascombe was there and filed this report. Stuart James was at Cardiff City Stadium to witness local boy Aaron Ramsey's masterclass. Alistair Magowan was at the Etihad Stadium to see Nasri notch two to lead City over Swansea. Richard Jolly was there, too. He has Three Thoughts about what went down. Meanwhile, more trouble at Spurs (they drew at home to United) where AVB is making things personal. Not really the best move, Dre. Here's the rest of your Premier League hoopla:

Weekend Review

Best of the Weekend

10 Talking Points

5 Thoughts

Garth Crooks's Team of the Week

Team of the Week

Over in Italy, Juve got a last-gasp winner from Llorente to go top after Roma could only draw with Sampdoria. Also, some guy named Kaka (Jesus owns him) scored for Milan as they won on the road. There's an interesting match this afternoon: Lazio vs. Napoli. Here's a weekend review.

The news in Spain centers on Barcelona and Real Madrid. No surprise there! The surprise lies in the face that league leaders Barcelona suffered their first league loss of the season against Athletic Bilbao at the new San Mamés. It's their second loss on the trot in all competitions. In terms of Real Madrid, Gareth Bale scored three as his side rolled over Real Valladolid. Not just three, mind you. It was the perfect hat-trick. Head, Left Foot, Right Foot. Here's a weekend review.

You will complete the stadiums as agreed...

Christ. More fun in Brazil as the locals strain to accommodate the demands of SPECTRE FIFA. A crane collapsed in Sao Paolo, killing at least two workers. Tim Vickery takes a look.

That gets us up to speed after a wonderful weekend of footie. We'll have loads tomorrow as it's another big Tuesday.

Onward!!

-SSN

Holiday Gobble

SSN Headquarters is closed for a few days so we can do family things like drink bourbon in front of the fire. We'll see you on Monday.  -Ed.

Shane Long = Dennis Bergkamp, Champions League, Scribes, Podcast, More MLS

Woop! Tuesday, Peeps. Loads to rock this week. Loads. 

Let's begin with the Podcast: James is joined by Sean Ingle, Raphael Honigstein and Gregg Bakowski to discuss an eventful weekend in the Premier League and around Europe. As Tottenham lose 6-0 to Manchester City, the pod wonder how they can pick themselves up and rescue their season. And just how good are this City side? In the high-scoring Merseyside derby, contentious refereeing decisions are given the once over, and the pod are purring over that Luis Suárez free-kick. Cardiff equalise late on against Manchester United but David Moyes is happy with a point. Is he showing a shocking lack of ambition? The pod think so. Plus there's the big Borussia Dortmund v Bayern Munich game in Germany, trouble from the Ultras in Milan and Sid Lowe has news of some high-scoring games in Spain.

Let's talk about last night. The Premier League offered up another nice one as West Brom and Villa battled to a 2-2 draw. Villa came back from two down. Well done, Villians. The match was graced with two super-sweet goals by Shane Long. One evoked memories of a certain Dennis Bergkamp from a certain match back in 1998. Glorious stuff, really. Stuart James was at The Hawthorns.

In Rome, Roma failed to return to the top of Serie A after their third draw on the trot. This one was scoreless. Here's a bit on that, plus more on the match in England and the one last night in Spain.

It's Tuesday so that means it's time for Gab's Monday Musings. When do they post this thing, Monday night at 11:59pm? Anywho, Gab's gabbing about Bayern's mole problem, Evra's outburst and why Martino's adjustments are working.

Let's be fair. Wes Brown should not have seen red this weekend. To call it harsh is stupid. It was wrong. That said, here are Ten of the Worst Red Card Decisions EVER!

Scribe Time!

Location: Italy

Headline: Chievo's genious back with derby win

Scribe: Paolo Bandini

Location: Germany

Headline: A brief history of the league that never was

Scribe: Uli Hesse

Location: Spain

Headline: Sevilla prove handful for Real Betis

Scribe: Sid Lowe

Location: Germany

Headline: Tired Dortmund need a new plan

Scribe: Raphael Honigstein

Location: Brazil

Headline: Flamengo revival a product of Menezes' exit

Scribe: Tim Vickery

Good Grief! Champions League, friends. The big one this afternoon is in Dortmund. The hosts have to get back on the horse after being knocked off by Bayern at the weekend. They face Napoli. Elsewhere in that group Arsenal host Marseille. Word on the street is the Marseille kids are ready for the match at the Emirates. The other main fixtures of the day include Celtic/AC Milan, Ajax/Barcelona, and Basel/Chelsea. Here's a preview. And here's where the groups stand at the moment:

Planning on enjoying Arsenal vs. Marseille this afternoon? Then you get to enjoy this, too.

Major League Soccer will pause for two weeks during the World Cup this summer. Wise move. The season is complete save for the final, so here are some awards: Top Rookie, Coach and Newcomer.

More? How about this: Best XIs from the Premier League, La Liga, Bundesliga, Serie A and Ligue 1, plus analysis of Manchester United's season. Not bad, eh?

More? Too bad.

Onward!!

-SSN

City Stomp Spurs, Everton & Liverpool Entertain, Bayern Dominate Dortmund, Multi Monday Night Football, MLS Playoffs

Whoa Nellie! The Merseyside Derby was great! For years this fixtures has been one of overt conservatism and often boring play. Not this time. The two Liverpool sides went at it hard and the result was a 3-3 draw (Phil McNulty was there), with Sturridge coming on late to notch the equalizer. Elsewhere in England, there was a shocker in Manchester as City ran riot on Spurs and emerged with a six-nil win (Richard Jolly was there). Damn. Their neighbors were not so lucky down in Wales and could only grab a 2-2 draw against Cardiff. Rooney should have seen red (see "Decisions" below), but likewise Gary Medel for the home side when he slapped Hairfarm across the face (Joe Lovejoy was there). Arsenal beat Southampton, Chelsea had little trouble at Upton Park against Big Sam's limp Hammers, and Sunderland fell to Stoke after Wes Brown was dubiously sent off (see "Decisions" below). Enter your EPL Funzone Here:

Premier League Review

Premier League Review II

10 Talking Points

Five Thoughts

Three Things: Cardiff vs. Manchester United

Decisions that shaped the weekend

Jamie Jackson: City's execution at pace reminds Spurs of lost Bale

Garth Crooks's Team of the Week

Team of the Week

"I know I joined your club when I was eight-years-old and and then after I got really good I left to play for your enemies at Bayern Munich and then I scored against you at your stadium, but...I'm sorry. OK? Are we good?"

Das Bundesliga had a biggie this weekend but Bayern turned it into a mellow affair by easily defeating Dortmund at Dortmund. Mario Götze came back to haunt his former club with a goal and the Munich side now enjoy a four-point lead at the top of the Bundesliga. Raphael Honigstein filed this report.

Stateside, the Major League Soccer MLS Cup Final Super Match is set. It'll be Real Salt Lake (sorry, Portlandia) against Sporting Kansas City (sorry Dynamo). The big match goes down December 7 at 4pm EST and will be televised on ESPN. The venue? Livestrong Sporting Park in Kansas City, Kansas. Wait. Jeff Carlisle has Three Thoughts about that RSL/Portland match.

Back in Europe, Juventus are top in Serie A (Roma can return to the summit today) after beating Livorno. Here's your weekend review. More domani with Paolo.

Real Madrid and Barcelona had little trouble in Spain, but Ronny picked up a thigh injury and could miss some time. Here's your weekend review. Más mañana con Phil y Sid.

Right. We mentioned Monday Night Football. There are actually a few matches of note tonight (this afternoon). In England, it's the West Midlands Derby as West Bromwich Albion host Aston Villa (3pm EST on NBCSN) with both clubs on 14 points in the table. In Italy, Roma host Cagliari (2:45pm EST on beIN Sport USA) with Roma attempting to reclaim the top spot in Serie A. In Spain, Málaga welcome Athletic Club Bilbao (4pm EST on beIN Sport en Español).

We'll conclude this Monday edition by returning to Bayern Munich. Pep says there is a mole in the organization. And he aims to find him/her. The suspense! The intrigue!

Onward!!

-SSN

Clubs Are Back, More Ronny, MLS, Merseyside Derby, Borussia Dortmund vs. Bayern Munich, Verona Derby, Lawro vs. The National

And what a week is was! The Internationals that mattered were surprisingly entertaining but everyone at SSN Headquarters is ready for club football to return. More than ready, really. OK, so we've got the shakes. Withdrawal ain't easy, folks. Before we look at what's on the docket, we'll look back one last time at the big story of the week...

We spoke at length about Ronaldo yesterday with SSN's Man in Lisbon, Pedro Santos. Pedro had this to say: "There's a lot of Portuguese people that doesn't like him. But, I never saw such communion since last night. The Blatter thing, and the hate around him, is making us supporting him. And, after so many years underachieving in the national team, he's really making the difference now. Finally we have the player that United and Madrid have." So, there you have it. A concise summary of where Ronny's countrymen & women are in terms of their relationship with their nation's biggest star. Here's the complete video of Blatter being his usual asshole self.

As we know, The Zlatan won't be going to the World Cup this year. The Joy of Six this week is Football Greats Who Never Made The World Cup.

This does not look like a boat, Qatar...

Weekend action! Not only do we celebrate the end of the international break, but we celebrate with some fine fixtures. Let's start in Germany where Borussia Dortmund host Bayern Munich. There are all sorts of juicy subplots revolving around the clash of German giants. The main talking point is Mario Götze's return to his old ground. Marcus Christenson brings us up to speed. Not to be outdone, Raphael Honigstein has a piece.

Back in England, the Merseyside Derby takes center stage (this will be the 221st time Everton and Liverpool have met) at Goodison Park tomorrow morning (7:45am EST on NBCSN). Here are some stats about the rivalry. There are some solid matches elsewhere in the realm as Manchester City host Tottenham, Arsenal host Southampton (1st vs. 3rd), and West Ham welcome Chelsea. Here's your lot for all the Premier League fun:

Premier League Preview

Premier League Spotlight

10 Things To Look Out For

Lawro & The National's Predictions

Paul Merson's Predictions

You notice we posted Merson's predictions even though he said this prior to United's match against Arsenal: I can't see Arsenal losing this game and if you ask even the staunchest Manchester United fan then I think they would say they'd be worried. If you've watched Arsenal and Man United this season then you'd have to say that...If Stoke can rip through Man United for 45 minutes then what can Arsenal do? I'm tipping a 3-1 away win and I honestly think that's the easiest call I'm making this week. Ouch!!

In Serie A, it's been eleven years since the last Verona Derby. That's one of five things to watch in Italy this week. And here's a more complete preview.

In Spain, Atlético Madrid and Real Madrid looking to pounce on wounded Barcelona. Lionel Messi, Dani Alves, Victor Valdés, Cesc Fàbregas, Xavi and Jordi Alba are all out of Saturday's game against Granada (or questionable).

USA! The second legs of the MLS Conference finals go down tomorrow and Sunday. In the West, you've got Real Salt Lake leading Portland 4-2. In the East, it's all even between Sporting KC and Dynamo at 0-0.

Back to Southampton. Here's your headline: From absurd to third: The rise of Southampton

More on The Class of '92: Nobody felt safe peeing at the training ground because Scholes would hit them with a ball from miles away!

On Wednesday we noted that a French TV presenter promised to do the weather in the nude if France managed to overturn their deficit against Ukraine. She made good on her promise. Technically. Booooo!

We'll finish today in Qatar where working are being treated like shit and people think one of the stadiums for the World Cup looks like an enormous vagina.

Onward!!

-SSN

The Class of '92, World Cup 2014 Set, Stoke No Go For Agudelo

Beckham. Scholes. Giggs. Butt. Neville. Neville. Love them or hate them, they were one hell of a group. The Class of 92 is about to be released, and Barry Glendenning says it's quite good. We're looking forward to checking it out. Barry's article includes the trailer.

Finally, finally, finally. All of the nations are set for Brazil this summer. Not surprisingly, Uruguay finished the job last night. What is surprising is that even playing at home, they were unable to score against Jordan. They scored five against Jordan in Jordan. Tim Vickery is in South America and takes a gander at Uruguay's sitch.

So. Down to 32. Tactical experts Michael Cox and Jonathan Wilson rate all 32 nations here. Number One? Spain and Brazil (tied). Number 32? Algeria.

Yank Juan Agudelo had high hopes of being Yank Abroad Juan Agudelo. Sadly, his hopes were dashed yesterday after his work permit request was denied. His move to Stoke is dead. Too bad, lad.

Orlando. The news broke yesterday that the fine central Floridian city will have the newest MLS team. Some dude named Alex Labidou wrote an article about the dangers of expansion.

That'll do for today. We're busy preparing for tomorrow when we'll have previews for loads of biggies including Everton/Liverpool, Dortmund/Bayern, Man City/Tottenham, Arsenal/Southampton, and Sevilla/Betis.

Onward!!

-SSN

Ronaldo Masterclass, France Revival, Mexico Cruise, Croatian Pro-Nazi Chants, Orlando City SC, The World Cup Is Nothing Without The Zlatan

What an afternoon, eh? Goodness gracious. We've got to begin with the Ronaldo hat-trick that sent Portugal to Brazil and left the Swedes sulking. SSN's man in Lisbon, Pedro Santos, is over the moon and faxed this lovely piece over the interwebs to SSN Headquarters this morning. Obviously, the finishing is top-notch. But, the passes. Oh, the passes! As you might expect, The Zlatan has taken the defeat quite well. He and Kanye should hang out. This link has his comments along with highlights, thoughts, etc.

Yup

Don't fret, France. You're on the plane. A highly dubious no-call allowed Benzema to score from an offside position but Les Bleus deserved their victory and the restored confidence that is the result of their impressive comeback. Amy Lawrence is talking about some sort of "new dawn" for the French. We must admit. We were rooting for France.

Croatia will travel this summer, as well. They ended the Icelandic dream with a 2-0 win at home. And then they celebrated with pro-Nazi chants. Good times. Check out the video below.

In the fourth UEFA match, the Greeks kept the formula the same and grabbed a draw in Romania to win 4-2 on aggregate. Here's a report. And here are some UEFA Playoff Thoughts to think about. Whoa! And here are ten things we learned from the internationals.

Down in Africa, Bob Bradley's Egypt won at home but Ghana advanced, and Algeria will hit the caipirinhas after their win over Burkina Faso.

Major League Soccer announced its 21st franchise. It'll be in Orlando. Florida. Central Florida. Congrats, Orlandoans. Orlandos? Orlandites? Anyway, look for the purple team to hit the pitch in 2015.

Croatian defender Joe Simunic gets the party started in Zagreb. Dick.

Right. No surprise that Mexico have made the big dance. Otra vez: De Nada, Chicos! Sorry. Yes, they won 4-2 down in Kiwi-land and Mexicans everywhere breathed a big sigh of relief. Andrea Canales takes a look.

You probably know that England lost to Germany at Wembley. And...we've got nothing.

The Zlatan is certainly not the only big name who won't be in Brazil this summer. Check out this Best European XI of players who will also miss out.

Finally, The United States were in action in Vienna. And they lost. They played, however, better than they did against Scotland. Here are three thoughts.

We are now up to speed.

Onward!!

-SSN

Who Goes To Brazil?, England vs. Germany, Austria vs. USA

No playing today, homies. Check it:

Who: Croatia vs. Iceland

Where: Maksimir Stadium, Zagreb

When: 2:15pm EST

U.S. TV: Stream = ESPN3

Current Scoreline: Croatia 0 - 0 Iceland

Preview

Who: Sweden vs. Portugal

Where: Friends Arena, Stockholm

When: 2:45pm EST

U.S. TV: ESPN2

Current Scoreline: Sweden 0 - 1 Portugal

Preview

Who: France vs. Ukraine

Where: Stade de France, St. Denis (Paris)

When: 3pm EST

U.S. TV: Stream = ESPN3

Current Scoreline: France 0 - 2 Ukraine

Preview

Who: Romania vs. Greece

Where: National Arena, Bucharest

When: 3pm EST

U.S. TV: Stream = ESPN3

Current Scoreline: Romania 1 - 3 Greece

Preview

EXTRAS!!

Four Things To Watch
France Fight History And Despondency 

10 Things To Look Out For

Larsson Warns Of Portugal Tricks

Westpac Stadium, Wellington, New Zealand

New Zealand and Mexico? Well, that's technically not today. You'll have to stay up until 1am (EST) in the morning to catch the action in Wellington. It's on ESPN. The Kiwis (or All Whites) have their work cut out for them. Here's a preview. Uhhhhh, de nada, Mexico.

In Africa, the Egypt/Ghana match is pretty much moot, but Burkina Faso and Algeria remain tight. Burkina Faso won the first leg at home (3-2) and it'll be tough to see things out in Blida in order to make their first ever World Cup. You can see that one at 1:15pm EST on beIN Sport USA. The stadium? Stade Mustapha Tchaker.

Stade Mustapha Tchaker, Blida, Algeria

OK, so it's just a friendly, but England vs. Germany is always a big match. Even when England stink. And they stink. Here's a preview. Maybe Lallana can provide some spark for the Three Lions. Things kick off at 3pm EST. U.S. TV is Fox Sports 1. And while we're at it, let's take a closer look at this German squad. One thing we know, they travel very wisely when in London.

In other friendly news, the United States is in action today. Yes, our boys are in Austria. Vienna, specifically. Ernst-Happel-Stadion, more specifically. Here's a preview. Things kick off at 2:45pm EST. U.S. TV is NBCSN. Thankfully, Gus Poyet understands why Yank Abroad Jozy Altidore isn't scoring goals for Sunderland. They'll come...

There are a lot of Brazilians playing in England. Is that good for the national team? Is that bad for the national team? Do you care? If so, read.

Low takes his lads to Wembley for training via the Tube

We'd like to finish today by introducing you to a league of gentlemen. They are extraordinary, but not in a good way. Far from it. They are the £150m flop squad. Come on and meet the Premier League summer signings who have failed to match the hype (and one who's already left)!

Enjoy the matches.

Onward!!

-SSN

Ivory Coast, Nigeria & Cameroon Go To Brazil, European Action, Podcast, Chile, USA

You saw it right there. Three more nations booked their tickets to Brazil over the weekend. Ivory Coast, Nigeria, and Cameroon will join the fun across the Atlantic. We'll have to wait until tomorrow to see who will fill the other two African spots (Spoiler Alert: Ghana gets one).

Meanwhile, tomorrow's matches in Europe will let us know if France will be drowning their sorrows in pâté, wine, bouillabaisse, and butter, or if they can make a resounding comeback in Paris and send Ukraine home to cry in their banosh with brynza. You see, France lost 2-0 on Friday. They were toothless. They were insipid. They were so poor that most of their countrymen and countrywomen have already given up hope.

Cameroon qualify and it's time to party

Who won the Battle of The Zlatan and CR9? Why, it was CR9! Yup. Ronny scored the only goal as Portugal downed the Swedes. Now back to Stockholm to see if they can handle the Swedish Team at home. More on that tomorrow.

In the other two games, Iceland held on with 10 men to salvage a nil-nil draw with Croatia, and Greece can almost smell the sands of Copacabana after their 3-1 win over Romania.

As you might expect, the Podcast folks are ready to discuss everything that happened in the world of international football. Go: Welcome to another one of Football Weekly's infamous international round-ups! On today's ultra-informed show, AC Jimbo is joined by Barry Glendenning, Jacob Steinberg and Gregg Bakowski to look back on all the World Cup play-offs and friendlies. Fortunately, our gang has a bit of help. Philippe Auclair ponders France's precarious predicament as they stare at the precipice following defeat to Ukraine, Marcus Christenson pops in to tell us why there's still hope for Sweden despite losing in Portugal, and Rafa Honigstein explains why England may yet beat a weakened Germany after the horror show against Chile.

And Martin Samuel has a column that outlines his confusion over the fact that Ronaldo, Ribery and Ibrahimovic might not go to the World Cup...but Panama will.

Chile beat England at Wembley and Tim Vickery takes a look at the South American side managed by Argentine Marcelo Bielsa.

The United States? Yes, they played Scotland. It was about as dreary as a, well, Friday evening in November in Glasgow. 0-0. Three Thoughts? Fine. Sacha Kljestan? Fine.

Fans in Addis Ababa watch as their side fall to Nigeria

So! The European matches are tomorrow, New Zealand host Mexico tomorrow, Egypt and Ghana clash tomorrow, Algeria and Burkina Faso finish tomorrow, and Uruguay host Jordan on Wednesday. And then we're done. Thank The Lord.

Onward!!

-SSN

World Cup Playoffs, The Zlatan vs. CR9, Steven Taylor Racism, The Joy of Six, Robert Plant To Hit The Pitch, USA vs. Scotland

Stick me out on the wing, mate.

It's the end of the week as we know it. And it's a big Friday of football. We don't get to say that very often. Iceland vs. Croatia, Greece vs. Romania, Portugal vs. Sweden, and Ukraine vs. France are all today in an attempt to determine who will make The Big Dance. First legs, people. The African action is tomorrow and Sunday. Second legs, people. There are also a bunch of friendlies if you care about that sort of thing. Here's your prep work:

Fifa 2014 World Cup: Who is there & who is in the play-offs?

Ten To Look Out For

International Storylines

Previews

Michael Cox: Four potential UEFA playoff difference-makers

Amy Lawrence: France unite for Ukraine task

Barney Ronay: Ibrahimovic and Ronaldo on play-off collision course

Phil McNulty: England's World Cup auditions start against Chile

Ronaldo vs. The Zlatan: The Goals, The Girls, The Dodgy Haircuts

Nobody has ever accused Newcastle's Steven Taylor of being the sharpest knife in the drawer. Based on his tweet from yesterday, the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor with this clown. A burger short of a combo meal, he is. With an intellect rivaled only by garden tools. Obviously forgot to pay his brain bill.

Right! It's Friday and thus there is this: The Joy of Six. Scott Murray is prepared to provide us with World Cup Qualifying Misses. Spoiler: There will be six.

The U.S.? Those fools call it soccer. Hah!

The United States will get all cozy and friendly with Scotland this afternoon at Hampden Park. Here are Three Key Storylines ahead of the match (3pm EST on ESPN2).

Gab Marcotti is wondering if The Zlatan is an anti-hero for whom we should root. Tough question, Gab.

Robert Plant is rich. And his wealth is well deserved. So we're pleased that he's bid £900 to play in Jody Craddock's testimonial with Wolves next year. Let's hope he doesn't over-exert himself and turn the match into his time of dying. Oh!

Spain: the inside story of La Roja's historic treble. In an extract from his new book, Graham Hunter looks at the world champions' long-term winning national strategy.

Take a Podcast. Do it. Listen. Learn. Laugh.

Onward!!

-SSN

Mexico & Uruguay Cruise, Idiot of the Week, Clint on Loan, Death of Pride Park

It's all rather quiet out there. Not surprisingly, Uruguay had no trouble in Amman, and Mexico duly dispatched with the Kiwis at home. This whole play-off system featuring countries across the globe is stupid. But FIFA is stupid, so...

Before we leave that stuff behind, Tim Vickery wants to discuss Uruguay so we'll oblige.

Idiot of the Week? This guy: Arsenal fan with three wives loses his house after betting on Manchester United clash.

You scored against New Zealand. What do you want? A cookie?

You can expect to see Clint Dempsey playing for someone other than Seattle now that his work there is done for the season. A loan spell is in the cards for Deuce, apparently, with the EPL his likely destination. Fulham? Spurs? Everton? Wait and see.

We'll conclude today's brief post with some sad news. Thinking of catching Derby at Pride Park? Think again.

Onward!!

-SSN

First Leg World Cup Qualifiers, Carrick Hurt, Brighton For A Pound, Jozy's Column

Hump Day, Fools. The big action today takes place down in Mexico City where New Zealand and Mexico will get their World Cup 2014 Playoff battle underway. The pressure is on El Tri after a poor qualifying campaign and the loss of El Azteca's invincibility. No European-based players will show for Mexico as they opt to go with guys already acclimated on home soil. Here's a preview. ESPN will carry the match live this afternoon at 3:15 p.m. EST.

Ready for Uruguay

The other match is currently underway over in Jordan. Uruguay are the opponents in Amman as Luis Suárez, Edison Cavani & Co. face off against Saeed Al-Murjan, Mus'ab Al-Laham & Co at King Abdullah International Stadium. So...we'll see how that one turns out. Cough. Jonathan Wilson is an expert in affairs such as this and he takes a gander at the Jordanian situation. It's the biggest match in the history of football in Jordan, suffice to say.

Since we're talking World Cup, let's examine The Diving German's U.S. squad for the upcoming friendlies while we have a moment. And since we're talking the U.S., did you know that Seattle, New York and Los Angeles are all out of the MLS playoffs? Here's what went wrong, according to resident expert Jeff Carlisle.

Just when Manchester United appeared ready to ditch the shackles and catch fire, news comes that Michael Carrick will miss around six weeks due to an achilles tendon injury.

Do you want to own a piece of Brighton? Amy Lawrence explains how to get it done.

Back in the Premier League, Richard Jolly assesses the chances of all the main contenders, who are separated by just six points, to determine who has the best chance of title glory come May.

We're going to keep things a bit brief today, but before we go, let's check in with Yank Abroad Jozy Altidore. His Sunderland side upset Manchester City at the weekend, and the win coincided with Jozy's 24th birthday. Well done, son!

Onward!!

-SSN

Americans Abroad, Zlatan Stamp, Podcast, Scribes, Kiwis & El Tri

Tuesday! The best day of the week as far as SSN is concerned. It's a chance to take a moment and look back at the weekend now that the dust has settled. We'll start with the Podcast, of course. Here's your schtuff: It's Football Weekly! It's James Richardson! It's Barry Glendenning! It's James Horncastle and Michael Cox! It's Manchester United beating Arsenal and the rest of the Premier League what-not-and-what-have-you! It's a bumper Serie A round-up! It's the international break! It's the reason we need you to vote for us in the Football Supporters' Federation Awards (specifically, in the best podcast category)!

Let's hit the hot list of Yanks Abroad. Who's tearing shit up, who's not. Boom.

Here's a question we know you clowns have been pondering: What has gone wrong with Manchester City, Chelsea and Tottenham? These clubs spent a gazzillion dollars/euros/pounds/cedi/daler/gineih/kip on players but it hasn't quite gone off.

As with most Tuesdays, it's time for Gab Marcotti's Monday Musings! Gab's gabbing about why Arsenal shouldn't panic, Juve win big, don't rush Messi, and...more.

A Tale of Two Cities...

Paolo Bandini says this: Juventus rediscover their swagger as bargains steal show against Napoli -- Serie A's old man Javier Zanetti returned for Inter but it was the Old Lady of Turin's return to form that stole the headlines.

Phil Ball says this: Basement blues. Need he say more?

Raphael Honigstein says this: Bayer Leverkusen find that beating Hamburg 5-3 is 'not so nice' -- An incredibly cavalier exhibition of 'kindergarten football' ended with even the victorious manager complaining.

Tim Vickery says this: Serious depth tests ahead for Uruguay, Colombia.

Sid Lowe says this: Bruno, battered but brilliant, keeps the Yellow Submarine on course -- Villarreal are the first side to have Atlético Madrid on the ropes this season and their captain was at the heart of it.

Holy Cristo. Mexico host New Zealand on Wednesday. How did that creep up on us? The pressure is on El Tri. Deal with it, bitches! Wait. Barry Glendenning is interested in the Kiwis? By all means, Barry.

And finally. As if his ego wasn't big enough already, The Zlatan has his own stamp. Here it is:

Onward!!

-SSN

Messi Hurt, United Beat Arsenal, City Lose, Chelsea Should Have Lost, Spurs Lose, Old Man Zanetti Returns For Inter, Another Ronaldo Hat-Trick, MLS

Quite the weekend, eh?

Check this shit out:

In England, Manchester United defeated a nervous Arsenal thanks to the head of Robin van Persie and an exemplary performance by Wayne Rooney, Chelsea needed a completely bogus injury-time penalty to salvage a draw at home to West Brom, Manchester City couldn't score and lost on the road to Sunderland, Southampton won again, and Tottenham couldn't score and lost at home to Newcastle. Let's go to the table!

In Italy, Juventus crushed Napoli 3-0, 40-year-old Javier Zanetti returned for Inter as they won 2-0, leaders Roma could only draw 1-1 at home to Sassuolo, and Milan's struggles continued after they could only manage a draw against bottom-side Chievo. Let's go to the table!

In Spain, Messi tore his hammy and will be gone for a while, Atlético Madrid could only draw at Villarreal, and Ronaldo scored the 19th hat-trick of his Real Madrid career (!!). Let's go to the table!

In the United States, Houston and Kansas City's first leg finished scoreless, but Real Salt Lake crushed Portland 4-2. Let's go to the table!

Alright. Let's go back to the top and engage in some fallout:

Weekend Review

Garth Crook's Team of the Week

10 Talking Points

Manchester United 1 - 0 Arsenal 

Daniel Taylor at Old Trafford

Barney Ronay: Rooney gives Arsenal's Mesut Özil the run-around

Phil McNulty: Title rivals will be nervous as momentum builds

Amy Lawrence: Five Talking Points

John Brewin: Three Things

Sunderland 1 - 0 Manchester City: Louise Taylor at the Stadium of Light

Tottenham 0 - 1 Newcastle: David Hytner at White Hart Lane

Chelsea 2 - 2 West Brom: Jason Burt at Stamford Bridge

Italy. Serie A. Review? Reports? Yes. More? Fine. Spain. La Liga. Review? Reports? Yes. More? Fine.

Back in Salt Lake City, Utah (er...Sandy), the home team had little trouble with the Portlandians. Grant Wahl has Three Thoughts.

As you know, Atlético Madrid lost this weekend. But Andy West thinks they could still challenge for the Champions League.

That's it for today. Tell your Monday to go shove it.

Onward!!

-SSN