Everyone Is Eating Bananas, Kevin Phillips Is Retiring, Hatred in Glasgow, Bayern Munich vs. Real Madrid Play To Reach The Final, Scribes, Podcast, Arsenal Defeat Dire Newcastle, Landon Donovan Interview

Bloody hell, we've got a lot to get through today. SSN Staffers have been staggering in throughout the morning, seemingly recovered from illness but still obviously feeling some lingering fatigue. No time to rest though, there's simply too much to cover. We'll begin as usual -- with actual results. In Monday Night Football last night, Newcastle were woeful, Aaron Ramsey and Mesut Ozil were wonderful, and Arsenal are left to wonder what if?

Arsenal 3 - 0 Newcastle: Dominic Fifield at the Emirates Stadium

Amy Lawrence: Ramsey puts the oil back in Arsenal's engine

Michael Cox: Three things: Arsenal vs. Newcastle

Louise Taylor: Where has it all gone wrong for Pardew?

John Brewin: Newcastle are stuck in neutral

Yesterday we showed the video of Dani Alves eating the banana some clown threw at him during his match against Villarreal. Dani says the thrower should be publicly shamed. Sounds fine to us. Meanwhile, Alves's actions have sparked a banana-eating campaign all over The Socials. Very good. Enjoy:

Neymar & Child

Sergio & Wife-io

Oscar & David Luiz & Willian

Dembele & Chadli

Hulk & Family

Coutinho & Suarez

Sagna

Yaya

Sticking with the sad subject of hatred, thousands of Celtic and Rangers fans turned last night's Glasgow Cup final between the Celtic Under 17s and Rangers Under 17s into a complete shitshow. Way to support the kids, asshats.

Let's relax and move on to something far less important, shall we? Landon Donovan. The Man. The Myth. The Legend. Soon, 'Ol Landycakes will be putting up his boots for good. Jeff Carlisle interviewed the Galaxy Man and you can read said interview here.

This is a rather sweet goal from Roma's Miralem Pjanic. Paolo has more from Italy in the Scribe section below...

Now is the time on Sprockets when we Scribe:

Where? Spain. Who? Sid Lowe. What? Valverde's Athletic Bilbao sequel is a hit

Where? Brazil. Who? Tim Vickery. What? Argentine clubs staging Copa Libertadores comeback

Where? Germany. Who? Uli Hesse. What?  Bundesliga showing the notion of "the veteran" in football is firmly out of fashion

Where? Italy. Who? Paolo Bandini. What? Roma desperate to keep Pjanic

Where? Germany. Who? Raphael Honigstein. What? Nürnberg: love, loathing, relegation?

Major League Soccer. There are a few guys of quality playing in that league. Clint Dempsey being one. Obafemi Martins being another. And...they play on the same team! Their partnership is proving to be quite something. Here are four additional things we learned from MLS last weekend. Power Rankings? We can do that!


Podcast! What a weekend, and what a show we have in store as Football Weekly enters the final furlong. AC Jimbo, Owen Gibson, Paul MacInnes and Barry Glendenning try their darnedest to not use the words 'twist', 'turns', 'blown', 'wide' or 'open' after Chelsea put on a Mou masterclass to shut out Liverpool and thus hand Manchester City the advantage in the Premier League title race (unless there are any other twists or turns to come which blow the title race wide open again). Next, we hear from Sid Lowe about the two Madrid sides' chances in the Champions League semi-finals as well as the sad death of the former Barcelona manager Tito Vilanova. Finally, we turn our attention to the relegation scrap, where Norwich appear doomed and Sunderland continue to head onwards and upwards.

Thanks for the memories!

Kevin Phillips. He began his career as a defender at Baldock Town in the eighth tier of English football. Six years later, he notched 30 for Sunderland and finished as the continent’s top scorer. That year he scored more than Raul at Real Madird, Patrick Kluivert at Barcelona, Andriy Shevchenko at AC Milan, Gabriel Batistuta at Fiorentina, and Hernan Crespo at Parma. He is the last Englishman to win the Golden Boot and one of only three 40-year-olds to play in Premier League. He will play his final game on Saturday. Louise Taylor takes a look at the tiny striker from Hertfordshire.

Is it Tuesday? It is. Does that mean Monday Musings? It does. This week Gab is gabbing about Mou's winning gamble, great Prem race, Seedorf's Milan mess, more.

The World Cup is only 45 days away. As you should know by now, BBC Sport, with the help of European football expert Andy Brassell, is taking a weekly look at happenings from across the world of football and what impact they could have on the tournament in the summer. 

And, finally. Whew. Finally. On to the match this afternoon at 2:45pm EDT on Fox Sports 1. Bayern Munich host Real Madrid and need to overturn a 1-0 deficit. It should be a doozy.

Onward!!

-SSN