Bobbie's Quickie MLS Preview!

It's true, Major League Soccer season is due to open this weekend. What, you didn't notice that last season had ended? While most Americans are easily distracted by such noble passtimes as the NFL, NBA, NHL, NCAA football and basketball post seasons, ultimate fighting and of course PBR (professional bull riding), world soccer's longest off-season seems comparable to Moses' 40 years in the desert to those who follow MLS. While MLS CentCom makes an honest effort to keep fans engaged, for the most part they are starved for information due to most clubs non-existent relationship with their local news media. A Chicago Fire fan such as myself had a fair amount of off-field developments to follow over the course of the season but the most we got from the soccer writer at the Chicago Tribune were variations on a theme: "I'm here to write about the team but nobody there will return my phone calls. Why does the Fire hate publicity?" Don Garber, please take note. However the waiting is nearly over and I'll do my best to give a little update. If one were to ask your typical MLS fan about any other team in the league, (aside from Alexi Lalas' Jewel of MLS, because they're always on 60 Minutes) the most you'd get would be, "I hate them." We are an entirely self-interested lot. So with that in mind, here's a Chicago Fire fan's MLS season preview:

Eastern Conference

DC United: DC got the biggest makeover in the league this off season. After twice posting the best record in the league and then failing in the first round of the playoffs Tommy Soehn decided to remake his roster. Gone are glamor boy Bobby Boswell and former league MVP Christian Gomez and arriving is a host of affordable South American talent led by DP Marcello Gallardo. There are questions about how quickly they can gel as a team, but perhaps coming out of the gates a bit cooler will see them through to a stronger finish. But I doubt it.

New England Revolution: New England are hoping that addition by subtraction isn't a pipe dream. They lost Pat Noonan and Andy Dorman, brought in Chris "Asswipe" Albight and managed to alienate their main scoring threat by denying Taylor Twellman his dream move to Preston North End. Let me repeat that: Taylor Twellman, Dream Move, Preston North End. Can they find motivation in their repeated championship game losses or will they again fall short? I'll answer, it's the latter.

New York Red Jokebullshitofafranchise: Another year, another coach. The Bruce answered a long standing question when he fell in a forest and there were plenty of people around to hear but none of them seemed to give a crap. The Austrian Energydrink brain trust decided that it was too much work to scout their own coaching candidates so they just stole ours. It's unclear what exactly happened but it certainly involved secret phone calls and offers of sacks of cash, followed by Coach Osorio's wife going public with the fact that she hated Chicago, the weather, the people, the organization, her condo, the Cubs, Italian Beef, you name it. Thus suitably neutered by his wife before all, Coach Ososio was able to slink off to the swamps of New Jersey. It was not long before he was back, tapping up defensive stalwart Wilman Conde. Conde made a critical mistake by doing his own complaining to the press rather than having Mrs Conde do it, and he's thus far failed to break free. Osorio cleared out a lot of The Bruce's dead wood but he failed to find any suitable replacements. They feature the best strike tandem in the league in Jozy Altidore and JP Angel but they lack the midfield and defensive personnel to play Coach Osorio's possession oriented defensive game as well as the midfield playmaker to get the ball to the forwards. Unless Coach Poacher can come up with the reinforcements the team needs they will find it tough going in an improved Eastern Conference.

Chicago Fire: The Fire had a typical playoff run, (dump DC, lose on the road to New England) and a brutal offseason. As mentioned in the FuckBulls preview, we lost our coach of 4 months and he's still trying to poach our best defender. The hiring process for the new coach shed light on the massive ineptitude of the Fire's front office, as they settled on Houston's Jon Spencer as the new coach only to have him reject their lowball offer. Nice one Guppy, that's the kind of leadership we've come to expect of you. They made an offer to assistant head coach Dennis Hamlett who considered leaving it on the table, (it was the third time he interviewed for the position) but ultimately accepted. Along with newly hired Technical Director Frankie Klopas and Assistant Head Coach Chris Armas we now have a nice core of original franchise stalwarts running the sporting side of things so Guppy can concentrate on alienating the fans and fucking up sponsorship deals. The Fire also have new ownership after a long tenure as the red headed stepchild of the AEG empire. Let's hope they can rapidly identify a new President! Oh, yes also the Fire are a soccer team. They lost their starting keeper to QPR but most of the other starters are back. Aztec God Chuathemoc Blanco returns to lead the attack from midfield and new marketing tool/striker Thomasz Frankowski joins the attack. Hopefully Frankowski will do better that last season's tally of zero goals for Wolverhampton. They still don't have a right winger and if Conde goes (or refuses to play) they'll have issues at the back. I expect the Fire will both score and concede more than they did last year, but they'll be a safe pick to finish in the middle of the pack and make the playoffs where they'll beat DC and lose to NE.

Kansas City: KC are an easy early pick for most improved, though I guess if the Galaxy can win 30% of their games they'll lock it up. Eddie Johnson is off to accolades of unfulfilled potential at Fulham and Argentine legend Claudio Lopez arrives to take his place. Why didn't Fulham just sign Lopez? We'll never know. With second year MLS player Carlos Marinelli hopefully a more useful player they should see a dramatic uptic in scoring. But will anyone notice?

Columbus Crew: Pity Guillermo Barros Schelotto. I guess the money looked good at the time or maybe he'd never eaten at Olive Garden before. Perhaps he and Frankie Hedjuk can give the Crue the backbone they need, but if the Crue had a motto it would be, "don't get your hopes up." Maybe in 10 years after all of the new stadia are built they can host the All Star Game again.

Toronto FC: Last year they had the fans but not the squad. And that plastic pitch in their soccer specific stadium (why?). This offseason has seen few significant additions to the team, though rumors have MLS bad boy Amado Guevara making his return to the league. If Toronto knows what's good for them they'll bring in Bruce Arena as a special consultant to poison the locker room vibe; it wouldn't help on the field but it would be funny as hell. But things are looking up for the Toronto fans because, a) they're always drunk, b) there's a new expansion team for them to condescend to and c) they're guaranteed to finish better than Columbus.

Western Conference

Houston Dynamo: The team of choice for all Ukrainian Soviet military veterans took home a second consecutive MLS title last year and aim to keep at it. They lost Nate Jaqua to Europe (this will help their scoring) and brought in Bobby Boswell (read all about it on his blog!), as well as MLS debutante striker Francisco Caraccio. They're counting on Dwaye DeRosario to run the offense from the midfield and Brian Ching to knock in the goals. Simple formula, I know, but it seems to have been working.

Chivas USA: The Goats posted the best record in the west last year but lost to Kansas City in the playoffs. Wait, you say Kansas City is in the East now? Oh do shut up, this is MLS we're talking about here. Anyway goal machine Ante Razov is back and determined to prove that .... he's a dick? I don't know but he's out to prove something. Jesse March will provide the yelling and the hacking David Beckham, U23 star Sacha Kljestan will handle the Ronny Wood haircut and the midfield playmaking duties and Brad Guzan, still smarting from his failure to get a work permit and a job at Aston Villa, will keep the sheets clean. Brad, look on the bright side: where would you rather live, LA or Birmingham?

FC Dallas: Dallas still has a soccer team? And they made the playoffs last year, you tell me? Pull the other one, no I mean the third one. Mmmmmmmmm, yes, that's it. Anyway, last year the fans of the former Burn found out what the rest of the world has known for some time: step overs are not goals, and step overs are not assists, and step overs are not even successful passes. It's true, Denilson has slunk off back to somewhere, maybe Saudi Arabia, to mail it in and cash checks. As for the rest of them, I could give a fuck.

Colorado Rockies: Arsenal USA has played like anything but. All-Overrated coach Fernando Clavijo is back for another year of mile high disappointment. Former league MVP Christian Gomez arrived in the offseason, soon never to be heard from again. Is Pablo Mastroeni still on the team? Anyone remember that sweet bicycle kick goal Marcello Balboa scored back in '97?

Jewel of MLS: The Galaxy circus never disappoints. What dumb thing will Lalas say next? Will he shoot roman candles out of his penis if nobody pays attention to him? How many pricey players can they gather on to one squad at the expense of any kind of depth? How many new rules will MLS make up to keep them on TV? New coach Ruud Gullit has worked for Kenny "Motel" Bates and as such he's accustomed to answering to buffoons, but early rumors out of LA have he and Alexi butting heads over personnel. New face/old face Carlos "9.8" Ruiz brings his high scoring and hard diving ways to the Home Depot Center and it also looks as though the Gals have signed an extra 6" of hair for Abel Xavier, hoping people looking at billboards won't notice Lando's bald spot. If everything goes right for our heroes they could truly put together a season to remember. And if not, well we've seen how that ends- with a fantastic January press conference that wipes away the bitter memories. Oh, and TomKat will be at all of the home matches so there's that to look forward to.

Real Salt Lake: The Rocky Mountain Taliban, as some on the internets have taken to calling them, have waived goodbye to Eddie Pope and Freddie Adu and are welcoming to the fold a host of new players. Who? Find out yourself if you give a crap, it's all on the web. Real Madrid's sister club is almost guaranteed to finish above the cellar if only because of the arrival of a new kid on the block.

San Jose Earthquakes: So this was an MLS team for 8 years or so but they had to move to Houston due to a lack of fan support, but now they're back 2 years later. I don't get it. And what about those old 'Quake titles, do they belong to Houston? (yes) And what about all of those great players they had, are they allowed to show pictures of Agoos and Lando in old 'Quake gear or is that out the window too? (we'll see) And will security confiscate old 'Quake jerseys at the entrance to the stadium? (I sure hope so) These are the stupid ways I amuse myself instead of actually bothering to find out anything about this team other than that they're fucked. Better luck next year.

So that wraps up the capsule but it doesn't answer any questions, so I'll do that now.

Q: What roster rules changes can I expect this year?
A: Whatever LA asks for.
Q: Who will win the scoring title?
A: Razov
Q: Who's going to be MVP?
A: Ask the Galaxy's marketing department, but whomever it is he'll be guaranteed to sell a lot of shirts in Asia.
Q: Why are the MLS All-Stars going to play West Ham?
A: What smells like shit in here?
Q: Who will win the Supporters Shield?
A: It doesn't matter because they're bound to blow it in the playoffs.
Q: What's going to happen in the playoffs?
A: The format will be different than last year. At some point you'll wonder what the hell is going on. Your team will probably make it and then disappoint you and you'll lose interest and two weeks after the MLS Cup is won you'll delete the final match from your TiVo without watching it first.

So there you have it folks, MLS 2008. Keep your eyes peeled for me on ESPN2, I'm the drunk guy in the front row by the corner flag.

- Bobbie