20th: Hull
It's inconceivable that any team could be as woeful as Derby were last season, right? But unbelievably there are two teams this term that could maybe emulate them, Hull and Stoke. In fact one of the players brought in by Hull for their first time at the top table is Craig Fagan, a player who spent much of last season bench-warming at Derby. That, and the fact his strike partner will be the 176yr old pensioner Dean Windass, about sums everything up for the Tigers. Geovanni is an interesting signing, but unfortunately manager Phil Brown has failed to renew Frazier Campbell's loan from Man U. You have to think most of the entertainment at Hull this season will come from Windass - but probably for all the wrong reasons.
Key player: Myhill
Player to watch: Geovanni
Young player to watch: Windass
Team Dickhead: Brown [he's actually probably a nice guy, but his tenure at Derby was personally painful]
19th: Stoke
Stoke have at least signed a couple of players people may have heard of in Sorensen and Kitson, but they're hardly players certain to stop a team going down. Even worse, the Potters play the worst football imaginable - meathead manager Pulis seems to have two elements to his style of play: 1. kick the ball as high as possible and 2. kick the ball as long as possible. Only winger Liam Lawrence provides any real source of creativity. Stoke versus Bolton does not promise to be the highlight of the season. It's doubtful either Hull or Stoke will fall as far as the Rams, but they'll surely both fall back into Division One.
Key player: Lawrence
Player to watch: Kitson
Young player to watch: Shawcross
Team Dickhead: Pulis [Bristol City fans listed him as their most unpopular manager of all time and he was sacked for gross misconduct at Gillingham]
18th: West Brom
Unlike the other two promoted teams the Baggies at least have a whiff of quality about them. This comes mainly through their manager, Tony Mowbray. Despite being the most dour man ever in the history of mankind, his team certainly tries to play attractive football. With luck they'll continue to do so in the Prem and maybe do a Reading and stay up. But their lack of player quality means you wouldn't put money on it. What's more, for some mad reason they've sold their top scorer to Birmingham and their best flair player to Fulham. Who've they've brought in for the tough world of EPL soccer? Scott Carson and Abdoulaye Miete, that's who. Two signings which make you think they're already planning for life after relegation. It's hard not to see the three promoted sides going straight back down.
Key player: Carson
Player to watch: Brunt
Young player to watch: Worrall
Team Dickhead: Greening, so many people dislike him, I don't know why. Maybe its the Robbie Savage style hair.
17th: Wigan
There's very little to write about Wigan. Their best piece of business over the summer seems to be in holding on to Palacios and Valencia. Apart from Kirtland the rest of the team looks pretty sub-standard, which speaks highly of Steve Bruce's skills in keeping them up last term. Kapo is a pretty good buy and according to the manager new signing Zaki is the world's best [whatever you say Brucie]. What's certain is that Wigan need a good start to their campaign, otherwise a relegation battle looms. In fact, it probably looms regardless. Expect plenty mad Steve Bruce style buying during the mid-season transfer window. It has to be said if they do go down they wont be missed. Brazil could be their opponents with Salma Hayek doing a striptease before kick-off and Springsteen as half time entertainment and the ground would still remain half empty. I'd gladly see their place go to a team whose fans would appreciate EPL football like Wolves, Derby or Forest.
Key player: Kirtland
Player to watch: Palacios
Young players to watch: Zaki
Team Dickhead: King
16th: Bolton
It's tough to write about Bolton because I really don't like them. Any team that bores the hell out of everyone, but finally gives their fans a bit of joy with a European campaign only to field a 'b' team deserves fuck all. I'd like to see Bolton relegated, but more than likely they'll bore their way to a couple of spots above the relegation zone. They've made two questionable signings: £11 million for a guy from Toulouse, Johan Elmander, who sucked at the Euros [though playing out of position] and Mustapha Riga. Riga interestingly bought a $100,000 Hummer in the midst of a wage battle with his old club Levante, while claiming he wasn't earning enough to pay his rent, so he seems a man of real class. Allegedly he plays with a bit of flair, so expect Megson to have stamped that out by of him by Xmas.
Key player: Nolan
Player to watch: Riga
Young player to watch: Tope Obadeyi
Team Dickhead: Megson
15th: Blackburn
There's good news and bad news here. The good news for football is that an EPL team has signed a black manager. The good news for Blackburn fans is the manager they've signed looks to be pretty good: instead of doing it the easy way like others ex-players he's earned his stripes through lower league success. And the good news for Paul Ince is that he's got a job in the top league his apparent talent deserves. But here's the bad news: just as all those pieces of good news were falling into place Blackburn started selling their best players: Bentley to Spurs and Friedel to Villa. And they haven't even got that much money from the trades as a fair share of the Bentley fee has gone to Arsenal. If Santa Cruz goes they could be well and truly fucked. Okay Ince has brought in Robbie Fowler, but he'll probably prove more useful in finding accommodation for his team mates rather than finding the back of the net. Ince needs Samba to reproduce last season's form, Gamst Pedersen and McCarthy to start playing like they did two seasons ago, and for his only real signing, Carlos Villanueva, to show that being Chilean player of the year actually means something.
Key player: Rocky
Player to watch: Villanueva
Young player to watch: Treacy
Team Dickhead: Fowler [especially if you're late on the rent and he's called the bailiffs in]
14th: Sunderland
Roy Keane's management policy seems to run a little like this: buy a group of mediocre players and shout them into a team. If this doesn't work buy another group of mediocre players and try again. And this seems to be case this term, too. Malbranque, Chimbonda, and Tainio weren't deemed good enough for Spurs, so Keane, pouncing like tiger, fought off the multitude of other managers lining up to buy such average players, and spent millions on them. What's more, if the Sunderland's physio is really lucky Keane will also pay over the odds for Louis Saha. In fairness, if Saha stays fit, Jones returns from injury and Diuof decides he wants to play football [Diuof and Keane - not much of a combustible situation there], Sunderland could have a half-decent forward line. But the rest of the team just seems drenched in mediocrity. So expect a lot of ranting and raving from Keane throughout the season.
Key player: Jones
Player to watch: Jones
Young players to watch: Waghorn
Team Dickheads: Diouff and Keane [surely there can be only one winner,though Diuof is pretty good at spitting]
13th: Fulham
It would be nice to see Fulham do well under Roy Hodgson, a manager who's always encouraged passing football. Everyone's favourite player, Jimmy Bullard, seems to be both fit and staying, which is a big plus, but Brian McBride's move back to Chi Town will be a loss, especially as his replacement is Bobby Zamora. Signing Johnson looks a good move, especially as he seems like someone that thrives on playing week in, week out. As does bringing in Zoltan Gera and Mark Schwartzer. Ultimately everything could depend on what Hogson gets out of evergreen Danny Murphy and unknowns Hangeland, Stoor and Kallio. Above all they're unlike to be a dull outfit, so let's hope they do well.
Key Player: Bullard
Player to watch: Johnson
Young player to watch: I've no idea [sorry]
Team Dickhead: Davies
12th: Middlesbrough
Boro never seem to pull in a decent crowd, and when you consider the multitude of other attractions the town must have to offer, that can't be a good sign. This is what will happen this season at the Riverside. They'll finish mid table. They'll have some great results against some of the top teams. They'll loose some games heavily against some of the crap teams. Everyone will praise them for having the league's best chairman. Everyone will praise their youth set up, which constantly produces good players without ever really producing anyone of exceptional quality. One game Gareth Southgate will look like a young, quality professional who knows what he's doing, the next like Bozo the clown. For Southgate you could substitute Afonso Alves, Tuncay Sanli, Stewart Downing and most of the Boro team. Apart from the keeper, because they don't seem to have one at present.
Key player: Alves
Player to watch: Digard
Young player to watch: Walker
Team Dickhead: Mido [unless you're the local McDonalds owner]
11th: West Ham
Everything at the Irons looks a bit messy. It's as if one board member suggested using Portsmouth as a template but was out voted in favour of using Newcastle instead. One minute they're being relegated, then they're staying up, they're in a player registration affair, they're spending crazy money on mediocre talent, they're strapped for cash, they love Alan Curbishley, they hate Curbishley. What the hell is going on? Not only are things being run a'la Newcastle they have plenty of ex-NU players: Dyer, who's always injured, Bowyer, who's always a thug and Bellamy, who's a bit of both [this summer he hit a charity worker - classy]. But they do have some real quality in the team with Green, Ashton and Parker. Added to which the promising Faubert is back fit. But for me they lack direction under Curbishly, who could be the first manager to get the chop.
Key player: Parker
Players to watch: Ashton and Faubert
Young player to watch: Sears
Team Dickhead: Bellamy and Bowyer will battle it out over the season for the title
1 comment:
I can't wait for the El Hadji/Keano explosion.
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