Who You Should Buy: Chelsea

In fairness most of the players connected to Chelsea in the transfer rumour columns do make sense. They do so because the club has two major problems: the squad has been allowed to get too old and they overpaid for Fernando Torres, meaning they must now build around him. Doing this will require lots of cash. Fortunately Roman Abramovich has plenty. I'm also sure Chelsea fans will be desperate for the club to once and for all move away from their functional style. When I look at Chelsea I think of someone who's won the lottery but instead of using the money to buy an Aston Martin or a classic sports car, they've chosen to buy a Range Rover. It may be the most expensive Range Rover out there, but it's still a fucking Range Rover. Bludgeoning the opposition to death hasn't brought Chelsea the CL, so why not try a different approach and win some admirers on the way?

Signing No.1: A creative midfielder like Fabregas/Sneijder/Kaka [but Modric will have to do]. If you've Torres in your team you need someone to give him the ball. Any of these three would fill this role perfectly. What makes them stand out is the way they always look for a forward pass. Chelsea's chances of getting any of them look slim, though. Modric would be an adequate alternative, Eden Hazard a younger option.

Signing No 2: A young forward. Chelsea have two in their sights: Lukaka, as the new Drogba and Neymaar, as, er, the new Torres.

Signing No. 3. A right back. Boswinga was good at attacking, Inanovich at defending, Zhirkov at neither. If you want to win the CL your full backs need to do both. Reports that Holland's Van der Wiel is being targeted make sense.

Signing No. 4. Needs just needs to be young, anyone young who's half decent. Eden Hazard, Kevin de Bruyne, Alexandre Pato. Alexis Sanchez at 22 would be great, but maybe too expensive even for Chelsea