Bobbie's Chicago Fire & MLS Predictions

Greetings Sanforders. The new season is here, complete with spotty TV coverage, week-long gaps in the schedule, some new teams, an even dumber playoff format and a bunch of new import stars. The KC Wizz changed their name to try to banish memories of their sole championship and Fat Tony Meola, Toronto ripped it all up and started over for the third time in 3 years, Jewel of MLS and NJ Soft Drink once again cornered the market on dumb rumors and condescending BS from management. Without further ado here are my predictions:

1. Fire management finds out that selling tickets on Groupon doesn't actually land you loyal fans.
2. Nobody starts trying until August.
3. Some new team enters the league and immediately claims to have the best fans in MLS and at the end of year will claim to have enjoyed the most successful inaugural season in the history of sports.
4. Toronto fans go ballistic when the team starts out mediocre and trash the stadium at least once.
5. Bruce Arena is still a fat prick.
6. NJ Sodapop talks to whatever young player is lighting up the league about how much more money they'll make in the NY media market and then tries to trade a bag of beans for him.
7. The Fire sign one washed up Mexican and/or Polish star in August to try to put some butts in the seats, and one former player from the El Salvadoran National Team who can't crack the bench.
8. Fire miss the playoffs after failing to win a single home game all year but Technical Director Frankie Klopas says he's satisfied with the progress of the team and Carlos De Los Cobos keeps his job.
9. A bunch of teams play in various CONCACAF cups and nobody cares.
10. As always I predict that a team with a losing record enters the playoffs in the wrong division as a 5 seed, gets hot and plays in the MLS Cup final.